What are the biggest problems with grewing up without a father?

Self-Making-V2 · 2017-07-21T11:06:10+00:00

impulsiveness
Male mother need
Repeated bouts of depression
Lack of identity

Just a few that spring to mind

ElCthuluIncognito · 2017-07-21T11:37:24+00:00

Skip to the third paragraph if you just want answers to your questions.

Whoo boy I've been where you are my friend. Should you be interested in learning more about issues normally arising from absentee fathers in a very easy to digest yet incredibly informative form, do read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

What you mentioned you noticed about yourself is certainly at least influenced by your absentee father, and is definitely covered in detail in the book. If youd like to learn more, give the book a chance, or look up studies on the 'mommy' issues. If you want to work on these issues and address the aspects of your life arising from it, you would be doing yourself a grave disservice not reading it.

I'll give a quick answer to satiate your curiosity. Common issues include what you mentioned, and also difficulty forming masculine relationships with men. By masculine I mean stuff like breaking each other's balls, hyping each other up in risk taking, and just having a very jovial time with them. Good barometer: notice how much time together is spent gossiping or complaining. The more, the more effeminate your group.

Some solutions presented. Stop doing shit for women and people in general for a period of time, like a couple of weeks or so and see how that feels. About to reach a door and there's a girl walking 5 feet behind you? Don't hold it open, let it shut on her. The only thing nice you should do is speak in a friendly manner. Everything else is off the table. Be completely selfish with your decisions for a limited amount of time (I say limited because the other end of the spectrum of a doormat is the asshole no one wants to be around, and while you need to be able to be that asshole when the situation calls for it, it can't be your baseline attitude)

Another recommendation is make more male friends. If you already have some, it doesn't matter, find more. As you do, determine which ones have qualities you would like to have and which ones have mostly qualities you would want to avoid. Gravitate towards the former. Goes without saying that if you're not fucking or intend to eventually fuck a girl, don't go out of your way to spend time with her. This part becomes incredibly easy and comes naturally when expanding your male friend group in my experience, so I wouldn't focus on 'cutting out' female friends.

chachaChad · 2017-07-21T12:17:31+00:00

Spealling

hstabley · 2017-07-21T13:21:04+00:00

Hi there.

I was 4 when my parents divocred and we moved cross country. Ultimately, it was not a good enviornment. My parents would fight over child support a lot. Often i would walk in to my moms room and see her yelling and crying on the phone. I didn't see my father often. Maybe twice a year. He was from california and im from conneecticut so it wasnt realistic anyway. I didn't have much of a male role model growing up. My grandpa was around which was nice, but only once in awhile and he didnt show me much since i was just a kid.

My mom ended up remarrying when i was about 8. The second marriage lasted for about 7 years. My step dad wanted nothing to do with me. He didnt like me. Losing my step brothers was tough. Its funny how one moment someone is so close to you in your life and the next they are gone. I wish I had reconnected with my step brother when the divorce happened, but my mom forbid me from having a facebook and adding him.

I grew to hate my father. I would lash out at school. I often was stuck with the guidance counsellor because i was crying or throwing a fit. These trips and my outbreaks lead me not to be very popular. I rememer one of the counsellors had me write fake letters to my dad. I ended up changing schools and didn't have many friends because of this.

I had low self esteem for a long time. It wasn't until my second year of college that I felt confident. I was pretty beta during highschool and i think part of it was I just didnt have a real male role model.

I spent most of my childhood playing videogames indoors like runescape and world of warcraft. When my mom divorced a second time, she had to sell the house. We ended up moving into a condo and she had the basement remodeled for me. I didn't leave the house much after that. All my neighborhood friends were now gone, and i was miserable at highschool. I think it was this point i became depressed.

I always felt jealous of the other kids. Especially during the little league days. Seeing the other players and their dads just made me feel so much hate.

My mom is now working on her 3rd fiance. My sister got married last year at 20 and is now divorced at 21. I don't know what to believe really. I watched a lot of disney movies as a kid and i romanticized the idea of being married for the rest of my life to someone special. Heck, it worked for my grandparents. Theyve been togethered 60 plus years.

But i can see now that marriage is flawed. It doesnt work. It can ruin your life.

My father did try to be a part of my life. He would send gifts in the mail. Toys and letters with hand drawn illustrations and messages about how much he missed me. He worked in the film industry so i guess it made sense why he didnt move here to connecticut, and its probably because their was no chance of work.

I was just a kid during the divorce settlement. I dont know how much my mom took from my father. But im sure making child support payments and trying to support yourself in LA is tough. I dont know if he understood the resentment i grew for him.

My mom lived pretty well for awhile. When she remarried i would say we were upper middle class. We had a lot more luxuries in life. Wed go to a lot more events and parties and shows. I don't know how much my dad struggled because he never told me.

A lot of what i said is scrambled and out of order. I kind of just dumped my thoughts. 22 years old now and this stuff is still tough for me to think about. I hope maybe someone finds what i said to be helpful to the topic.

Idunnowhy2 · 2017-07-21T13:50:16+00:00

'No More Mr Nice Guy' pretty much nails them all. Read it.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2017-07-21T15:02:50+00:00

Things My Father Taught Me: Advice for guys raised by single moms

Mobiiz · 2017-07-21T22:33:37+00:00

I'm not going to talk about the flaws... other people have already covered that. What I will talk about is how you can move past them.

Realize you aren't a special snowflake. Mothers tend to give their children nothing but praise. Fathers are more "judgmental"/realistic. You have flaws. We all do. You need to take the role of your father and point them out to yourself. Then you need to work on them. Be honest with yourself.
Forming bonds with men is difficult. So inevitably you'll tend to conform to others' beliefs to fit in. Stop that. You know what's right and what's wrong. Stand up for what you think is right and call people out on their bullshit behavior/actions.
Be willing to get your ass kicked for the right reason/aka/stand up for yourself. You have the right to be on this planet just as much as the next guy, and taking shit from someone isn't acceptable. If someone talks down to you then call them out. Don't instigate a fight but fight with your words. If you must fight then try to walk away first. Fighting isn't worth anything and it only shows that someone is insecure.
Respect yourself. Above all else, you need to love yourself before you can contribute to the world.
Set goals. Write them down if you have to. Work towards SOMETHING. Otherwise you will feel empty.

mrHappyPotatoe · 2017-07-21T12:23:34+00:00

Get an axe and go live in a woods for few months.

Title	What are the biggest problems with grewing up without a father?
Author	KiseKaze
Upvotes	15
Comments	21
Date	July 21, 2017 10:59 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/6on6pm/what_are_the_biggest_problems_with_grewing_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/what-are-the-biggest-problems-with-grewing-up.94474 https://theredarchive.com/post/94474

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