21M Virgin Struggling with Performance Anxiety – Help Please…

Exotic_Pop_765 · 2025-09-26T08:11:44+00:00

You need to lead hard. So that you force her into your own pace. And your dick leads YOU in terms of how you lead her. You need to USE her to keep you hard. At least thats what worked for me. Think of her like a bouncing ball of energy and you as a building holding the crazy ball inside the concrete walls. Thats how it should look. Once i started unappologetically USING her not only did i not have erection issues they started getting addicted to my dick too. But when im saying these things i mean them in a sexy way ofcourse. Not jn a misogynistic patriarchical way.

Most of the times people perform sex instead of doing sex. Men and women. They immitate movies, past times, porn... but it doesnt come from them being connected to whats in front of them. They re not there when it happens.

What im asking you is be there when it happens and force her to be there too. While doing that be strict with the things that turn you on, moment by moment and dont ask her to do them. Make it her only option.

krustibat · 2025-09-26T06:19:45+00:00

I think if you get to sex at like date 5, you will be much more confortable.

It's normal to be anxious about a first or second date sex

Illustrious_Size610 · 2025-09-26T11:07:42+00:00

Sex is not avoit doing it well, or showing off how great moves you have. It’s about having fun and not taking yourself or the activity so seriously.

It is like children dancing for fun… kids don’t dance because they are great dancers and want to impress people, they dance because they feel the music, and the body is asking them to move and express themselves in any way the can.

With sex it’s the same concept, you are not there to show off some crazy moves you watched in a porn video, or anything like that, you are the to align yourself with your body to do what you want to express with your kisses, your touch, your penetration, etc.

It’s not an audition, so you shouldn’t even ask her “how was it” or “did you like it” because that’s just lame asking those questions, as if she has to grade you. It’s about expressing how you feel for her with the body, and it doesn’t have to be perfect.

So just stop trying to seek women’s approval mate.

Proof-Trash-2938 · 2025-09-26T07:31:44+00:00

Just have to go after it and get as much experience as you can. The more experience you get, the more confidence you will have as you’ll know what you’re doing better.

Make her cum first before even starting sex and she will be much satisfied

FriendlyWrenChilling · 2025-09-27T09:40:43+00:00

Porn has produced many unrealistic expectations and depictions of sex. So first of all is to evaluate your expectations of what you think is going to happen.

Once you can let go of your need to put yourself to that standard, this anxiety will naturally go.

Life-Income2986 · 2025-09-26T06:17:10+00:00

lol what happens when sex is totally on the table with these many, many girls and then this anxiety happens? Do you pretend to get a phone call and run off into the night?

Dude, you make up stories for reddit. Nothing anyone tells you on the internet will make you good at sex with anyone.

mirmax30 · 2025-09-26T06:28:56+00:00

You pop 10 mg tadalafil before date and drink alchohol duening date but not too much.. even if you have anxiety tadalafil will work and you would have hard on despite anxiety and alchohol wont make you cum faster.. i do this when i have perfomance anxiety

norwegiandoggo · 2025-09-26T09:04:04+00:00

You deal with it by understanding that you need to be vulnerable to overcome insecurities.

Learn to own the fact that you're a virgin. Tell people about it. Tell people you have no experience and that you feel insecure about this sexual stuff. Own it publicly - openly. Don't hide from it.

The more you hide the worse your insecurity gets. You need to show your insecurity to others and it will go away or at least get better.

Can telling women that you have no experience ruin a date for you? Yeah. So if your insecurity was not that bad - I would say probably keep it to yourself. But your insecurity is too bad for that - so you can't progress. So in that case you should not hide it. You should tell women you're nervous. You should tell them you're insecure. And you should tell them you're a virgin. Not because it will help you with getting results that night. But because you need to shine a light on your insecurity so that your insecurity will reduce over time.

Lastly, learn to be okay with fucking it up. And stop caring so much about being "great in bed". Stop giving a fuck about what others think about you

Matter_Still · 2025-09-26T09:41:08+00:00

It's extremely difficult to avoid anxiety when your persona is built on sand--in this case, a false image of confidence that is shattered when things start ramping up. You are experiencing the major drawback of the ploy to "fake it until you make it". If true, you are fine until it comes time to make it, but then the house of cards collapses.

Furthermore, you desire to prevent the image from being shattered only adds fuel to the fire.

As I see it, you have two choices: you can attempt to connect with a girl in the same boat, a virgin like yourself--in which case she'll likely be as insecure as you, or you can admit your fears to whoever has brought you to the brink of losing your virginity. You might find out that such candor is welcome, and if a girl is into you, she might even consider such an admission endearing.

SeaEntertainer4956 · 2025-09-27T02:38:42+00:00

You're feeling performance anxiety because... You're performing. And that's the constraint our ego traps us. I believe it's more about accepting your natural "frame", be it a virgin or a guy who's willing to put the effort to make his first time good, rather than posing "cocky, mysterious expertise"

Vulnerability is powerful, sometimes even key, to seduction. It is often ignored because it's honest, and honesty isn't always pretty, but it surely is intense. It filters who desires you and who doesn't, and most people want to be desired, even by those who don't like them.

Performance is a trap, such as many other ego-related stuff. And bad conditioning over those can lead to awful relationships.

The book Models from Mark Manson has a really cool and more healthier approach to seduction than any performance based stuff I ever saw, I reccomend it!

Maleficent_Newt_5247 · 2025-09-29T15:09:35+00:00

Honesty would not ruin anything in this situation. Especially since, as a virgin, that pressure shouldn't be on you. It's your first time, there is going to be anxiety no matter what. But thinking about performance on your first go should not be a worry. Also, as a woman, I can honestly tell you, I have never been in a situation where I would say someone's performance was bad. Can I say that I've been with people who only cared about their pleasure and didn't help get me there? Yes. But also, I know how to get me there better than anyone, so I can take responsibility for not assisting in the act myself. Be honest and upfront with the lady of your choosing. Possibly have a shot, if you drink and just enjoy the experience. Also, it may last 2 nano seconds, and that is okay. Your refractory period should get you back up in no time and give it another go.

PuzzleheadedBat9463 · 2025-09-26T06:45:43+00:00

Most guys think attraction is about giving more. In reality, psychology shows it’s about taking something away. Scarcity and exclusivity are two of the most powerful triggers in human behavior—and if you learn to project them, women start chasing you instead of the other way around.

One of the most primal human desires is the urge to possess scarce resources.

Scarcity Effect: The rarer something is, the more valuable it feels.

Exclusivity Bias: Once we believe “I’m the only one who can have this,” our sense of investment and attachment skyrockets.

In relationships between men and women:

Male Scarcity: You’re not “someone any woman can get.” You carry unique value and a sense of control.

Creating Exclusivity: Shape her perception so that she feels—if she doesn’t

hold on tight, she’ll lose a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

The Core: It’s not about you chasing her. It’s about making her fear losing you.

It’s not about saying “I like you.” It’s about her fearing, “I might not be the only one.”

Psychological Anchors:

• Psychological Reactance Theory: When people feel their choices are limited, they crave it even more.

• Scarcity Heuristic: Our brains automatically equate scarcity with higher value.

• Exclusivity Commitment: Social psychology shows that exclusivity deepens emotional attachment.

Title	21M Virgin Struggling with Performance Anxiety – Help Please…
Author	HustleDrift
Upvotes	16
Comments	34
Date	September 26, 2025 5:40 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1nqt9g8/21m_virgin_struggling_with_performance_anxiety/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/21m-virgin-struggling-with-performance-anxiety.1562840 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562840

Comments