Before they cost you more opportunities.

This post is inspired by true events. Let this be a warning to you if you identify with it.

I’m not going to ramble about my past and how things came to be for me, but suffice to say my formative experiences were such that they led to two core beliefs that have plagued me to this day:

  1. Feeling fundamentally “less than” women I’m attracted to. I still fight the impulse to actively earn attraction, which is an innately backwards and counterproductive behavior. On some level, I feel that they must find me repulsive.

  2. That women are innately less sexual (or are so reluctantly). The unspoken second half of that belief is “…with me”, because of the first core belief.

I need to stress now that these beliefs very rarely are actively articulated in my mind, but they influence things anyway.

How do these beliefs manifest?

  • Feeling the need to “warm a woman up” before asking her out. The backwards belief here is that she finds me repulsive so proving (somehow?) that I’m not before asking her out is a way of ensuring she’ll say yes.

  • A complete inability to sexualize or flirt. Again, this is out of a fear of loss. If I’m repulsive and show too much sexual intent, she’ll run for the hills.

The result of these habits is a slow dilution of attraction until it’s too late - by the time I try to make a move/ask her out, I’ve friendzoned myself.

I’m currently working to actively dig my way out of these habits, but old tendencies take deep roots. I also know for a fact that these beliefs (and others) are common, so chances are a good portion of you can relate a bit. Challenge these beliefs before you waste more opportunities with self-sabotaging behavior.

What core beliefs are you struggling with?