At what point do you stop seeing multiple women and become exclusive with one?

ShannonAnon · 2018-08-06T23:48:15+00:00

So what you’re saying is- she wants to be in a relationship. You want to be in a relationship... sounds like maybe you want to stop seeing other people haha you’ll keep having fun with other women always, but if you’re ready to settle down then go for it

recyclablebanthas · 2018-08-07T04:33:17+00:00

1

At what point do you stop seeing multiple women and become exclusive with one?

We could come up with all sorts of language like, "one ends up standing above the rest," or whatever, but it's just something you are going to feel, more than anything, and no one here can really define it for you.

It might also be that you end up not feeling anyone in the group of women you might be dating, and end up cutting ALL of them loose.

2

Started seeing a gal I met in intramural volleyball a few weeks ago.....She’s great, and for the first time in over a year of dating and sleeping around, I’m starting to develop feelings for someone.

On one hand, you seem to realize what it should look like, or at least the relative direction or territory of what you would feel like if you were going to settle down.

That said, you don't seem the least bit ready for that. And you know it. Don't you? No big deal, though it probably sucks to realize that you're going to have to cut things off with this one and she seems decent. You're just not in the right head-space for it.

3

Meanwhile, I’m still talking to other women. Had a great first date with someone else this past weekend- it felt weird at the start, given how fast things have been moving with the other one, but it ended with a very hot makeout session against a building on a side street (didn’t feel weird by that point lol). Got a few other dates with others lined up over the next week and a half, and of course dating apps continue to bring a fresh supply...

In this sort of situation, you have a choice, which in some ways, is not really a choice.

You can choose to keep dating other women, but if a particular girl is really awesome, then you won't want to. You won't find yourself going along with escalation with another girl or actively doing what you can to make it happen, if you feel something for another girl. You also won't feel like lining up those other dates.
Whatever you've chosen to do, is what's right for you. It's just on you to make peace with that and if you want to contribute to positivity in the world, you'll cut loose anyone you're dating who wants something other than casual. Because when you don't, the wreckage you leave behind causes trouble for people long after you're out of the picture.

4

Anyway, the girl from volleyball just asked if she could call me her boyfriend yet, or if that was too soon... I told her I liked where things are going but it’s too early to be at that point.

Yeah, here's the thing. If this girl was actually a good girlfriend prospect, you wouldn't have this hesitation. Period.

The way you know if you "should" stop dating other women in favor of one, is when you literally DON'T want to date other women. That's it.

And the line between "right" and "wrong" when it comes to slapping those titles of BF and GF, is that the prospect of having those titles is really just a formality and you'll end up just BEING that even before the titles are brought up. By this time, her bringing up the titles should have just been met with, "Yeah, I guess we're already that anyway, lol." Rather than, "I'm hooking up with other girls right now."

If you were ready to settle down, you wouldn't be dating other girls. (And sneaking around behind this other girl's back to do it?)

5

Now, my intention is NOT to sleep around in a never ending succession of meaningless hookups- been there, done that; I’m ready to settle down. Settle down, not just settle. With the right person.

I feel you. If this is the case though, you HAVE to find a way to get off the merry-go-round that you're on of this revolving door of girls. When you're in that mode, you're not going to be open to interfacing with women the way you'd need to in order to meet this goal of settling down.

And just because this girl looks kinda good, doesn't mean anything. You should have been ready for titles at this point if it were legit. So you actually "should" break things off with her at this point. She's just shown you that she's at a place that you won't get to, if you're not there now.

There's nothing wrong with casual, at ALL. But she doesn't want that. And you do. And if you stay with her, dangling the promise of more, when you're really not there, is going to leave a mess for other people she dates in the future. Try to leave the dating pool a little better than you found it.

9

I wouldn’t say I’m picky, but I recognize that what I’m looking for is rare. And to do that, you gotta cast a wide net.

Sure. But like many of us here, the risk in casting that wide net is that you can easily find yourself addicted to dating new people all the time. Thrill of the hunt. Which again, isn't itself an issue. Until one realizes that we generally end up accidentally doing things that make others emotionally invested, when we aren't intending to settle down, because it feels good.

10

So as a rule, I know not to bring up ANY relationship talk until the woman does. Which has now happened. In under a month, which is really fast.

Again, if there's any sort of "shouldn't" here, it's that this shouldn't feel safe, if it's right. This business of "you're not there now but you might be later, is self-deception." If you're going to be there, you'll know immediately, like within a week or two. Maybe maybe three at the most.

A month? That's par for course. That's "normal" if you've been seeing her once a week or more.

As for the "rule," there is no rule. If you want something, there's a way you could be bringing it up. It's not an issue to have a talk about relationship stuff before the woman does. The problem comes when you broach the topic awkwardly by doing things like:

Making assumptive statements about what you think she feels
Not owning what you want
Bringing up the topic at an awkward time or place. (Like in public, or like right after sex, etc.)

11

The last time I fell head over heels for someone and decided that “taking it slow” was not necessary, I got burned and it crushed me.

Different situation. The problem in that case was almost certainly that you got attached to something unreal, based on fantasies in your head, rather than who the person was.

But when a situation is legit and right for you as a serious relationship, you'll know very soon after meeting her. You can still be measured and careful, and yet know something is a good thing.

Taking it slow is not sufficient. You have to be capable of moderating yourself so you're not building it up so high that you fail to see the person you're with, as they really are.

And sometimes you do have to crash and burn, so you can recognize the signs of wrongness next time. Because while good things will be obvious almost immediately, a LOT of unhealthy things also fool people pretty quickly in the beginning.

jesuswasagaymagician · 2018-08-07T00:48:40+00:00

I don’t think there is any “right time”. It’s all personal preference and based on the feeling you two have. The goal of dating many people is to find one you want to stay with for a long time. Sounds like you found one. Try it out, shut down all these other girls you technically have on the back burner, and ride the wave until it isn’t fun anymore.

judahman8 · 2018-08-07T00:44:21+00:00

This clearly isn't a popular answer but I stand by it... Never!! Instead just spend all your time with the one girl if thats what you really want to do. No need to put a label on it. If you never get tired of being with just her then keep spending as much time with her as you want.

If you're tired of multiple girls then stop for a while. I stop talking to all girls for a while sometimes. But I don't believe in monogamy anyways. Just do whatever you want. The only reason you are questioning it is because you don't want to give up all women for one girl. But you can actually have your cake and eat it too by being with the girl you want most and never giving up all women.

That's easy for me to say because this is already how I think and view things. I've never had a girl stop wanting to date me because I refuse to be monogamous but I also don't attract girls like that. My thougts, beliefs, views, lifestyle and actions are all congruent and so they fit together like a puzzle. My life is anything but normal and you probably aren't in the same situation as me so I can't know what's best for you. Hopefully this at least gave you something to think about.

mththmhtm · 2018-08-07T05:12:28+00:00

So as a rule, I know not to bring up ANY relationship talk until the woman does

Could someone elaborate on this a bit? Rookie here

smellthatpussay · 2018-08-07T05:31:41+00:00

The questions you have to ask yourself, and dig deep inside, is that 10-20% trait she's missing a deal breaker? (You mentioned that she is about 80-90% of what your perfect match is). Could you live the rest of your life with her with this/these missing traits?

Is she the first 80-90% match you've dated? What made her go that high in your eyes. Are her missing positive traits something you can live forever with? You did the right thing by letting her know you want to take it slow because 1 month is very soon, but that begs the questions:

You mention that you've experienced a 100% perfect match.

- How long did you experience this with this person?

- What caused it to end?

Time is the great revealer. Somebody that you think you're 100% match with at first can drop to 50% after a certain amount of time. Did you live with the person that you were 100% with? Living with a person changes a LOT of things.

You should take things slow with ms. volleyball while still dating and see how you feel a few months from now. Ask yourself the questions above in a few months.

VastDeferens · 2018-08-07T05:58:33+00:00

My man, it seems that you have a good chance of being with the person you want to be with. How bout this? Give it like 3 weeks. You still feel this way about her, then cut everyone else out and give this one a shot. At some point you have to take a risk. There's that idea that something better might be around the corner. Well that something might be here. Worst case? Doesn't work out and you go back to the apps and steam rolling dates. Sounds like you're doing well anyway.

saulisdating · 2018-08-07T10:39:51+00:00

I've been with hundreds and hundreds of girls in the decade between my 20s-30s and now I'm in a serious and committed relationship with just one girl for the past 3 years.

You stop seeing multiple women when you find one who is the most compatible to you and who makes you not even think of other girls at all while with her... Plus we occasionally have threesomes so there's that :) which helps with the urge to fuck around. But even if we didn't I suspect I wouldn't fuck around like before.

hunterpua · 2018-08-07T17:29:11+00:00

The answer to the question in your title is - When you meet a girl that makes you want to give up all the other girls.

Sounds like you're already at that point and she's already asked so go for it.

Just because you went for it in the past and got burned doesn't mean its gonna happen again. That last girl isn't all girls.

Power_Leap · 2018-11-21T18:54:29+00:00

Found this thread as I'm in a similar place. Curious, /u/midnight_toker22, what ended up happening?

MrSixShot · 2018-08-07T01:19:42+00:00

In the graveyard

Tyrant360 · 2018-08-07T11:45:56+00:00

Honestly,if you feel that a girl/woman is THE ONE,then I'd say to just stick her.There's no real point in seeing multiple women unless you're not confident enough that she's the right one for you.Then again,no one has a perfect match.But if you just keep expecting your DREAM GIRL/WOMAN to just show up out of nowhere,then I'm sorry to say this,but you're never going to find true love unless you give up on what you call the "perfect female".Instead,try to focus on strengthening your current relationship.Just connecting with her will enhance the bond between you two.Just remember that if you decide to stay with the exclusive girl/woman,you are commited to her.

But hey man,it's your choice if you want to take our advice or not.I'm just a 14 year old adolescent male making my way through high school.But just know that all of us are here to help you,guide you even.In the end,the choice is all up to you.

FleshyTaken · 2018-08-07T14:49:23+00:00

a good balanced relationship includes sometimes, from time to time, some conscious extra sex
it's good and healthy for both

Alex123_UK · 2018-08-07T06:03:24+00:00

I copy from another on here: Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment, don't give up your power too easily or quickly.

yellowidiot314 · 2018-08-07T02:25:57+00:00

The only time you ever do this is when you're penis is sore from so much sex. At any other time you will regret it

smaffit · 2018-08-07T07:17:09+00:00

When your soul has been entirely crushed

fourthwallmotionless · 2018-08-07T01:54:44+00:00

Never. Always have some backup plan when shit hits the fan.

69odin420 · 2018-08-07T02:16:09+00:00

Never if you know what's good for you

Title	At what point do you stop seeing multiple women and become exclusive with one?
Author	midnight_toker22
Upvotes	30
Comments	55
Date	August 6, 2018 11:21 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/956bgv/at_what_point_do_you_stop_seeing_multiple_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/at-what-point-do-you-stop-seeing-multiple-women.1286955 https://theredarchive.com/post/1286955

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