Beating yourself up is actually far more damaging than we’re led to believe...

ticklemyfat17 · 2019-12-23T01:55:51+00:00

Yes yes yes and YES. I’ve had this same exact problem all my life and still very much do. The Inner Critic is another good read on this topic, as well as The Artists Way which talks about this more from the creative point of view. For me, I criticize myself endlessly for not being further along as a filmmaker, and lo and behold, that mindset keeps me from making films. I finally pushed through and finished my first short, but still I had those voices saying it’s not good enough. But I’m happy and proud of it still, it’s just that voice, the book calls it the Censor, that keeps me from creatively expanding.

With women as well I do the same thing. “I’m a virgin. I’ll never get a girlfriend”. Now I have a very good looking girlfriend, but I want something else. This issue goes extremely deep and is so important to bring awareness and compassion towards. At times I think it is good, that the anxiety and my ambition must co-exist, otherwise I wouldn’t push myself the way I do and won’t get to where I want to go. I think of that line from Eminem, “I bully myself cuz I make me do what I put me mind to.” I relate to this so much.

But in reality it is damaging and destroying to the self, to your life and people around you because it inevitably projects outward into relationships where you begin blaming others for something that isn’t going perfectly in your mind. Perfectionism is a disease not a virtue. It’s an excuse for not going ahead. It’s something we’ve internalized growing up and is extremely difficult to get rid of.

The key is to remember that every time you criticize yourself, stay aware. Don’t react. This isn’t you speaking. This is others speaking through you, saying this or that is wrong. This is the voices of others in your head. Your voice, your true voice, is still and small and never says anything you do is wrong. How could it be? What is possibly wrong about your life other than a judgment, a thought. This takes time, meditation, and awareness, but it’s the most important thing for people like us. The less energy we spent talking ourselves down, the more free we are to live, to approach others, to speak and act as we truly are. We will get there my friend. Baby steps.

BurnablesOnMondays · 2019-12-23T07:34:46+00:00

It took me three hours to fall asleep last night because I was beating myself up about not going for a kiss on the 2nd date. I saw the eye glances. I didn't have the stones to lean in for it. Or pull her in for it.

It is incredibly damaging. Even if you know this, the hardest part is controlling it, especially when your mind is idle.

NamelessJ · 2019-12-23T14:24:59+00:00

This holds me back more than anything else. The other day when I was out and wanted to approach I kept having these negative thoughts whispering in my mind. Even through I knew by experience that these thoughts aren't true, it still keeps me from being myself. I did approach one girl and the interaction was fine, but I let a lot of opportunities go by. One of the biggest things that helped me was learning about complex trauma and how it can create isolation and self loathing. I've got a handle on it now and can recognize the false discouraging thoughts in my mind now, but I still wish I took more action because I know for certain that this is the only thing keeping me from finding what I want.

Umbran_scale · 2019-12-23T15:52:24+00:00

Can't be any worse than apathy, surely?

I've lost out on relationships and had dates cut off because I simply never made a move and whenever I got called out on it I just shrugged and moved on from it.

A problem with this mentality is there's no self reflection or sense of improvement either, just deflecting, I just say 'what's stopping them from making the first move?' 'if they really wanted it they could have gone for it.'

YoungGucci66 · 2019-12-23T16:19:20+00:00

I still beat myself up for relationships I couldn't keep in the past even when I'm seeing someone new.

Title	Beating yourself up is actually far more damaging than we’re led to believe...
Author	gtrman571
Upvotes	52
Comments	5
Date	December 23, 2019 1:10 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/eedabl/beating_yourself_up_is_actually_far_more_damaging/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/beating-yourself-up-is-actually-far-more-damaging.1486742 https://theredarchive.com/post/1486742

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