Cold Approach Full Rundown

COLD APPROACH 101

Hi guys,

So I'm not here to ask of anything, rather I'm here because I want to share my own insights into cold approach. After reading this post, do what you will with this information.

I've heard some backlashes about cold approach and it goes along the lines like this. "Don't cold approach, you're chasing a woman and giving her validation, let them chase you", "Don't cold approach, they'll see you as a pick-up artist creep", "Don't cold approach, that's beta", etc.

Cold approach itself doesn't make you any of these. Depending on how you go about cold approach, you could be chasing women, you could be a pick-up artist creep, you could be a beta male doing cold approach. But if you do cold approach with the right mindset and the right process, you won't fall victim to any of these statements.

Required knowledge (these aren't really required knowledge, but it would be beneficial if you knew exactly these topics on some level in order to understand what I'm talking about)

-Attraction levels

-Indicators of interest

-"It takes women a few minutes to decide weather she likes you or not"

-Always assume attraction

-Be a risk taker!

-Be yourself (Ik a lot of you heard this before, but after I explain it it'll make sense later in the post)

Before the approach!

There are things that play into the approach before the actual approach, and it's the following factors

-Facial looks. This is when you groom your beard, groom your hair, apply facial cream to your face.

-Body shape. This is your overall body. Do you have fat in your belly, do you have a chubby body, are you fit, or do you have some muscle with some belly fat.

-Fashion. Does the pants compliment the top you're wearing. Does putting a good piece together give you a certain style. You don't have to dress super flashy for this one, just know the basics of fashions (matching colors, appealing designs, etc)

-Body language. This is normally an indicator of your behavior and mindset. A lot of people's judgements about one's self-esteem, confidence, and behaviors comes from the body language being displayed. You can fake it here and there, but if that's all you're doing then you need to address what's holding you back.

-Voice tone. Goes hand in hand with body language. This is key to communication confidence as well as one of the crucial fundamentals to giving you that sexy vibe when done right

-Mindset. Probably the most important one here. You do need to put yourself out there to help develop a proper mindset. You would have to endure a good amount of rejections before you could build up a solid mindset. Another way to do it is if you're lacking information that you need to help you make your approach, do that first and that too could also help build your mindset enough to get started.

1. Make the approach

When a woman takes a good look at you, all of those come together to create a baseline attraction in her for you. If she has some attraction for you, that means she's interested in you and want to see what you're like as a dating prospect. If you put yourself together and you find that the girl you're talking to doesn't like you (not every girl will like you), then no amount of game or strategies will change this. I remember a female friend has given me this advice "A girl will only see you for a second to decide if she'll friendzone you or not" at first that wasn't the advice I understood at that time, but this was because I was lacking in other knowledge to fully understand it but now I can say it.

The expression "It takes a girl a few minutes to decide weather she likes you or not" actually talks about the baseline attraction a girl will have for you. So that means a girl will decide in seconds or minutes weather she likes you or not. No game can generate attraction for you, she already has it for you or she doesn't. But just because she has decided weather she likes you or not within the first few minutes doesn't mean you're the one who's going to know right away. The only way you'll know right away if she likes you or not is is she's been repeatedly eyeing you, or she's in your proximity to make it easier for you to talk to her, or she seems very friendly and open towards you. She may even start the conversation herself. In other words, she's chasing you herself.

So you make the approach (direct, indirect, whatever your approach style is do exactly that).

2. Open her

A lot of guys here will ask "What do I say to her? How do I get her to talk?" Once again this goes back to the "It takes her a few minutes to decide weather she likes you or not", so use this bit to your advantage. If attraction is generated from her looking at you, you may not know right away if she's really interested in you, but you'll know right away if she's not interested in you, even if she doesn't tell you herself. If she gives vague one word answers, makes excuses, walks away, or just say anything that feels like the conversation is shutting down, trust that feeling and walk away. Some guys will insist that some girls will play hard to get and that you just have to keep pushing it to show her how much of a man you really are, passing her 'shit test'. This is not a shit test. If a woman is showing signs of disinterest early on in the interaction, this is not a chance to prove to her you're high value, she has no interest of finding out. No strategies, no game, no amount of mystery, intrigue, or anything like that will get her to change her mind. It's not on you, it's on her. In a situation like this, there's nothing wrong with your game. Count this as a loss and move onto the next one.

With that said, you don't have to come up with anything fancy when you want to open her. In fact, a simple 'hey' is good enough to catch her attention. Once you catch her attention, just tell her whatever comes to your head to keep the conversation flowing and keep it genuine. This bit will be addressed in the next point.

Note: Some women will have an interest level of 5-7 towards you, which means she will seem interested but not by much. With women who are really interested in you, all you need to do is say 'hey' or 'hey I think you're cute' and that's about it. With women who are interested in you but not by much, you'll want to take a different approach. This is where saying the right thing is required to do this. When you ask "what do I say to her? How do I get her to talk?" this is the bit you'll want to pay attention to. You do have to say the right things, but that doesn't mean you have to monitor every single word coming out of your mouth. My tip here is to observe. Observe her and find what you find interesting about her, or if you just are attracted to her you can tell her that, or observe the environment you're in and see if you can comment on it. Figure out how you feel and what not.

A couple of the situations I've been in, if I see something on a girl I find interesting for example her coat or her necklace, I could say "Hey you have a nice coat." or "Hey, that's a very unique necklace. Where did you get it?" or you could comment on the environment as if you're making a conversation i.e "This place is pretty dope?" or a good neutral opener "You come here often?" If she engages you in conversation then you're good. If she's engaging you in a conversation, take this as a good sign.

3. Conversation/building repartee and rapport

Now what happens if she does talk to you and it seems like she's interested in talking to you? That means it's a good sign that she could be interest. Keyword COULD. You could be in a situation where a woman is talking ecstatically to you and it seems like she likes talking to you. She could be making consistent eye contact with you, she could be facing her whole body towards you, she could touch you, she could embrace you openly, etc. These are all good indicators of interest, which means there's a high chance she is interested in you, right? NOT ALWAYS. Sometimes she could be a social butterfly, or she could be really interested on something about you, but not really interested in you you. I hope this makes sense. Point is there's a whole host of reasons a woman could be talking to you.

So now you could be asking "So what is the ultimate sign that she likes me? Are there any little things I should look out for that indicate she likes me?, etc". It's tempting to find out any signs that could indicate she is interested in you for real, as opposed to her just being friendly with you. You could try to find more signs and find the littlest things that could say she's 100% interested in you, but you will wear yourself out mentally if you do this. If you see indicators that she likes talking to you, you may not truly know if she likes you or not, ASSUME SHE DOES ANYWAYS. Take the risk and continue the conversation. Don't focus on too much what signs she's showing to show you she's interested or not. She will show them to you on her own accord. Even if you assume her attraction to you, she'll also show you that she's not interested in you as well. Signs won't always show themselves when you want them to, so it's good to be aware of them when you see them, but don't try and look for signs when you're in a conversation with her. As long as she's engaging herself in conversation, you engage yourself in a conversation with her as well.

Now it's time for the actual conversation.

How to start a conversation? The obvious answer is you'll have to talk about a topic. Okay, what topic? What do I talk to her about? The good thing with what I'm about to share here is you don't have to memorize topics or have a list of topics with you. A good tip here is to "make the conversation about her." That means find things about her that you find interesting, that you don't know about (work, school, hobbies, etc), or what she's doing right now at the moment you're meeting her. If you can't find anything about her to talk about, then there are other ways you could do it. You could start a conversation about your environment, you could share with her about a great thing that happened in your day, or you could wait until a conversation topic comes up in your head and you could just say it out to her just to start something (this is why silence is golden sometimes). Point is there are many angles out there that you could start a conversation. Once a conversation is started, follow the thread to the very end. This ensures a good back and forth conversation between you and her.

What are some good things to help spice up a conversation? Repartee and rapport. With repartee, this is where you have some banter going back and forth with her. A lot of emotionally charged interactions are filled with repartee. It's basically making light of something for a good laugh or to have fun in a conversation. Flirting also has the element of repartee in it, but we won't be talking about flirting here. How I would normally do repartee, is I would tease on something she would say or do. This one I can't really explain in my own words, there are other sources that cover on how to tease, you should look into it. Just keep in mind that when you want to tease, sometimes some people do it in a way where they're taking a light jab at someone, but that jab is meant to be taken as a joke by both giver and receiver. I've roasted some of my friends on something light, they would also roast me back and we would have a good laugh. However, sometimes people will mistake teasing for outright insulting, belittling, or a popular pick-up tactic, "negging". These are not teases and if you do some of these things, you'll end up hurting a girl's feelings instead and you'll look like the bad guy. The main idea with teasing is that you want to make LIGHT of something about a woman. Keep it light. With that said I would suggest to look up on good examples on repartee if you don't know how to do that properly. This will help you make light of things without leaving any feelings hurt. If repartee is done right, you could potentially increase her attraction level for you.

The next one is rapport. This is where in the conversation, you can relate to her on certain things, or you don't really share some of the same things as her, but you show you understand her and find it awesome that she does these things (granted you actually think they're interesting, not super interested, just enough to peak your interest). This is where you cultivate a connection with her by finding common ground, you understand her position, she understands yours, and just spending quality time with each other, all good for building rapport. A good thing you could do to build rapport is use the word 'we'. This sub-communicates what you and her would do i.e 'we should go to this food festival, I hear they have great food', 'oh yea we can set up a date and we could go there sometime'. This is good even when you do meet a girl for the first time. Another good word to mix in is 'together'. Basically any word that encourages inclusivity between you and her is good for building rapport. This too can also help build up attraction levels.

If she generally responds positively to your conversations, take that as another positive sign.

4. Mystery and intrigue

The best way to get an already interested women even more interested in you is to instill some mystery and intrigue in her about you. If you get her thinking about you more, the more likely she will to like you and it can lead to her investing herself on her part. A fundamental tip to help you do this properly, then we.

Be yourself! This is where I get to really address this. Now when I say be yourself, that doesn't mean wear all your facts out like a sheet of paper she's going to read. A lot of people when they read an advice like be yourself, sometimes they'll say "But I get nervous around girls, I don't really say anything sexual, I'm not somebody who goes up to women like that, I'm not a ladies man" but I'll say this. That's not really you being yourself, that's just your fears preventing you from expressing how you are deep inside, that's just you wanting to stay inside your comfort zone. When I say be yourself, I meant the self that has interests they do in their spare time, the self that has opinions on certain things they would like to share, the self also has sexual interest in a woman or man and does not shy away from expressing it. If there is anything that is holding you back from expressing yourself, then you're not being yourself, how are you being yourself if you don't express it?

Now you don't have to do overdramatic gestures like you see in Hollywood movies or wear your heart out on your sleeve, those imo are not realistic and could hurt your chances. What I'm saying is if you think a girl is cute or attractive, at some point in the interaction, just say "hey I think you're attractive" "hey I think you're cute" or "hey I think you're cool, let's keep in touch sometime". If you want to take her out on a date "Let's go out on a date sometime." If you want to seem more casual, you could say "Let's hang out sometime" but a statement like this could also be interpreted as a friendly hangout. If your intention is to take her out on a date, make sure that's clear and that she understands it.

Now, how you should apply being mysterious if being yourself is the fundamental tip here? Think of yourself like an unpeeled onion. You have many layers to who you are that you would like to share with her, but let her peel off that layer on her own. Until she decides to ask questions about yourself, continue making the conversation about her as discussed in the previous point. There are points in the conversation that you offer to share yourself here and there and it becomes natural, sharing one or two facts about you is fine. The point is you don't want to be the one continuing the conversation by sharing one fact about yourself and another right after that, because then you won't give her the chance to ask about you, you won't give her the chance to let her show she has interest in you. Let her ask questions about you. But let's say there's a point in the conversation where she doesn't really ask any questions about you, but if you had ask a specific thing about her she would've asked a question about you eventually. Do this, until she asks you any questions, always make the conversation about her. If you get her thinking about you, her attraction levels will slowly increase as well.

Even if she does ask any questions about you, that's good, make sure you don't overshare more information than necessary.

For example

Girl "What do you do?"

You: "I work as a programmer."

Girl: "That's interesting. What company are you working for?"

You: "I display results on the Google web page" (no this does not mean I work at Google)

Obviously most conversations aren't always point blank responses but you see what I'm getting at here. Just share enough information that satisfies her. Maybe throw in some bait for her to catch onto i.e "I work at a Google office that's closeby" "Closeby? Where?" "Up there, with the mountains that have a nice view" "Wow" "Yeah, you've been to that hill before?" for example. If you work your conversation this way, you can ensure that you're not losing composure while at the same time engage in the conversation naturally. Now sometimes when a woman asks you questions about you it doesn't always mean she's interest. But the more personal her questions she asks you, you could assume she has genuine interest in you.

5. Close

This is the final point of the interaction. Either you have to go somewhere or she has to go somewhere (this is valid when a few minutes have passed). Everything seems to be going well.

-She's engaged in the conversation with you in the moment. She's either interested or she's just being sociable and friendly.

-You opened her with an interesting topic. She's either interested in you or just happened to be very interested in that particular topic

-You decided to leave some room for her to ask about you and she's asked some questions about you. She's either interested in you or she's just a curious person and happened to be impressed by your background to the point she wants to keep you around as a professional connection.

Notice how even though she has shown positive signs in talking to you it's sometimes still not an indicator that she's attracted to you for real? Notice how even though the conversation went well she could've had just a friendly and sociable attitude to the conversation? That means even if you have the right signs from her, she could still not be interested. How do you find out for real?

ASK TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HER. GET HER CONTACT INFORMATION.

This is the true test weather she's interested in you or not. Now to determine if she has real interest in you is if she's out on a date with you, but we're talking about the context of cold approach. Get her contact information. If she shows heavy resistance and you don't leave with her contact information, then that means she wasn't interested in you. A woman is truly interested in you if she does things that brings you and her closer to each other on an intimate level. Women who aren't interested can sometimes fake IOIs, but they can't fake actions.

Look at indicators as a probability of their interest in you. If she laughs, her interest level is 20%, if she asks questions about you, it goes up to 40%, if she touches you, it goes up to 60%, if she's not leaving the conversation and is talking to you, it goes up to 75%. The more signs she shows the more likely it is that she could be interested in you, but it's not always going to reach 100%. This is why I say a true test of weather she's interested in you or not is to ask to keep in touch, the worst she could do is say no. Before that point, you don't know if she's going to say no, but then again YOU'RE ASSUMING ATTRACTION IN HER AND YOU'RE TAKING A RISK OF BEING REJECTED HERE. The good thing here is that acting on the signs she shows is related to taking calculated risks, so it's not like you're taking blank risks here.

The Takeaway

The main takeaways here is that you always make moves. There's a possibility to get shot down, but you know you have tried. You don't have to take time out of your day to make 1000 approaches an hour like the pick-up artists do back then. With this process, you can approach a woman you genuinely find attractive and express interest in her.

Note: You're not always going to get the chance to meet all women you find attractive. Let's say you see a woman you find attractive yet she is walking fast like she has a purpose, or a woman in a group of women who are tight knit in a circle, indicating they're not open to meeting people. Let these opportunities go. They're not in the headspace to meet somebody.

Note: There's also a game that both men and women play, and that's "Let's see who likes the other more" so they end up playing games that both try to show that they're more high value than the other, or that you are more interested in this person than they are in you. This happens after you get her contact information, not during the approach. There are people like this that will try to turn it into some kind of power struggle. You could also play the game, show her that you're an alpha male that has more high value than her, be less interested in her than she is in you, and if she shows more disinterest, show an even bigger disinterest. You could play that game, but I don't play that game at all. This is why I like this process, especially when you assume attraction and take the risk. If you make your intentions known and she comes up with excuses as to why she can't go on dates with out (stupid excuses), shows signs of being hot and cold, yet ultimately never going out with you, this woman has shown that she's playing games. You don't have to play it with her, just let her know what you're about and tell her to reach out to you if she ever wants the same thing one day. You're in this to get what you want, not to engage in stupid games. If she's not about what you're about, she's out. No questions asked.

Note: Confidence is still the number one attractive trait to a lot of women. Women love confidence, and if you show women you are confident, her attraction level for you will increase. This is provided that she finds out attractive at first on some levels. If you're confident without her attraction for you, then she'll respect you as a man, but won't want to sleep with you because she's not attracted to you. Confidence works best with women that already find you attractive.

I hope all of this helps (y)