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[–]UpstairsAnalysis 20 points21 points22 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
The answer will always be the same...just stop wasting your mental energy on it. All of that flirting stuff means nothing bro. Even if it happened in person it would be negligible. I've been there before and it sucks when you like them, but you will just give yourself a headache/heartache depending on how much you care lol
Put her on the backburner and start looking for girls that show higher interest. Keep an open line of communication but don't go out of your way to earn her affection. Just stay patient and wait for her to circle back around. Most likely a guy she likes more came along.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
100% this
[–]southpaw5 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I completely agree 100%. Very well put
[–]caesarfecit 7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
Girls can act hot and cold for a variety of different reasons. They could be playing the field, they could be not sure if you're into them or vice versa.
Point is, the root cause of hot and cold behavior is always the same: insecurity.
People with healthy self-esteem don't play these games because they find them unnecessary and counterproductive. Even people who play the field embrace honest communication because it keeps things simple and above-board.
Now how do you deal with it? Cultivate options and hold yourself in high regard. Chasing people who blow hot and cold is a waste of time and plays into the games. Whereas if you hold yourself in high regard and frame yourself as the prize, one of two things happens:
They continue to play games and demonstrate themselves to be a waste of time.
They internalize that if they want something with you, they need to drop the bullshit and come correct.
Trust me, you do this right and the hold and cold girls start chasing you. This happens because they're used to high value guys behaving this way with them. Internally, they believe that a high value guy won't put up with their wishy-washy and a low value guy will, and that's how they categorize guys.
Sure they may wonder why the only guys they seem have something with are guys who just aren't that into them, but if they are self-aware enough to come to that conclusion, then they ought to be self-aware enough to realize how self-defeating their behavior is.
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for the reply.
So what do you suggest? She already accepted the drink, I told her that I'll tell her when and where. That's why I intended to call her tomorrow. Keeping it short and brief - telling her when and where we will get drinks.
We haven't talked since thursday. And if we are to meet up, are you suggesting that i tell her straight up - no more bullshit? Since you are telling me that I should hold myself in high regard.
[–]caesarfecit 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like you have a sort of casual dating/FWB thing going with her? I take it you guys are hooking up?
Sounds to me like you are in danger of overthinking things. So she doesn't blow up your phone. Is the vibe good when you guys do talk, do hang out?
It could be she's insecure and unsure about what you guys are, what you want, what she wants etc.
The wrong thing to do in this situation is to be super direct and start talking about your feelings and intentions. If she wants to know, she hint/ask. Key thing is to not rush her into a commitment. My advice was more general, dealing with girls who are flaky or distant earlier on.
In this situation, your move is to just be cool, enjoy yourself, and don't get clingy. Act like it's no big secret how you feel, without feeling the need to shout it from the rooftops.
Sooner or later, she'll initiate the talk. Just don't rush her. If you guys are hooking up, you're already doing something right.
The real key to dealing with hot and cold is not to psyche yourself out and start reacting to it. If it's bothering you to the point where you need to say something, then do so, but don't let it troll you. People are just incredibly avoidant about their feelings these days.
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (8 children) | Copy Link
We are colleagues at work. We went out only once before this, and that was two weeks ago. That was are first "date". Me, my friend and her roommate all went out to an event in the city (she invited me) and we made out and the vibe was very good overall. Before that we were really flirty and it was a matter of time before something happened honestly.
She was with one other guy after our make out session, they went for drinks last week and he even invited her to go to the sea with him and she is thinking it over (i'm guessing her answer will depend on whatever happens with me, that's why i'm doing that drink this week before she goes on her vacation.) I found it out but she didn't directly tell me. (I didnt ask her about it though, no way)
She was still the same after that drink with him though. We talked a lot and still flirted a lot. Situation didn't change at all. I actually teased her that her boyfriends will be jealous of me and her going to drinks and she said that she doesn't have boyfriends, that she is completely single.
The vibe is always good when we talk and she is never cold directly when we talk. Almost all the time she is very flirty and direct (teasing how we will be husband and wife etc.) We are definitely not just colleagues from work. She only seems cold with the text initiation sometimes. Mostly we talk every day at work, but sometimes she doesn't contact at all. Like currently. I'm at my vacations though, I'm pretty sure if I worked that she would contact me through Teams, but still...
This drink will be the first time that we are out alone. So it can be considered our first real date. I do realize that I am probably overthinking it and that I should just keep it fun and show that I am a high value guy.
[–]caesarfecit 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Yes, you're overthinking things. Yes she has options, but it sounds like her focus is on you.
Just keep being the guy she made out with, be non-needy, yet bold, and things will progress. Just don't fall into the trap of feeling like you have something to prove.
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I guess yeah. You could be right...
She did seem a bit reluctant to go out for drinks though. When I invited her she said: why? What will my boyfriends say about it? I'd have to ask them. Of course, completely jokingly. She was laughing and was sarcastic. And then later on when i mentioned drinks (a few days later) she once again asked why and if her rommate and my friend will be there. Which I said no to and that I would like for only the two of us to go. She ultimately accepted.
I guess that she might be fearful a bit. Me being younger and a work colleague. So it might be a bit strange for her. Which is why it is important for me to not be creepy and needy yeah.
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Sounds to me like she's not sure you're into her, or at least is feeling insecure about that.
Teasing her is good, but you need to reward her with some affection when she plays along.
A good rule of thumb with women is to positively reinforce the positive things she does, and either ignore or negatively reinforce the negative. This what people mean when they say "you teach others how to treat you".
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh I definitely did do that yeah. I do tease her but I am also affectionate and give out "rewards"
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Then she's just insecure. Act accordingly.
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Sorry to butt in again but you two have an amazing way of conversing. Rarely do I see this on Reddit. And Ceasar I must ask for clarification you are male yes? Because a female very well could provide the help you are offering.
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Lol yes I'm a guy. I'll take that as a compliment :)
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And rightly so...
This is one of the best written responses. I'm a female and I agree with his points. I'll add a little more after reading the rest of the posts. However you...Ceasar are very well written and convey in a very clear and connected way. Kudos my friend.
[–]potatochwip 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
When a woman reaches out to you, you have to assume she wants to see you. Ask her when she is free next and set up a date. The problem is that you are so focused on having a textlationship, that when she reaches out to talk to you it ends on the phone, rather than ending in a definite time and place to physically build a relationship. She knows what to expect every time she texts you so there's nothing to wonder or talk about, instead of filling her in about your week or vice versa, over drinks or dinner at a restaurant/ her place or your place (high attraction and emotional connection with a woman ends in seggs) all that can be talked about is done through the phone and now she's feeling off about you.
what to do:
wait 3-4 days (if she hasn't reached out to you yet) give her a call saying "hey so-so i was thinking about you and I wanted to see how your week was going". She'll give you an answer and ask about you. You will reply I've been working on a lot of (XYZ) and it has been really exciting, I don't have a ton of time this week to be texting because (XYZ) when are you free next so we can catch up. she will give you either "I'm not sure when next I'm SOOoooo busy" or "THIS DAY!" or "THIS WEEKEND/WEEK"
Responce to "busy": Great well it seems to me you have a lot going on so reach out to me when you are free next! I gotta run it was great hearing from you. (then you forget about her and starting dating other females)
Response to "THIS DAY/ THESE DAYS": Great I'm free on ( SPECIFIC DAY @ SPECIFIC TIME) how does that sound? Her: Great me too. You: OK let's do specific day @ specific time @ specific place, let me know if anything comes up in the week so we can reschedule, I got to run! on the date take her to 3 different places in the evening practise the 80%-20% principal and you are in the money Hang out, Have fun and Hook up should be you mission and goal every time.
damn this is long, hopefully it helps
[–]AndroidProject 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I know the principles of Corey Wayne. She did reach out today with a meme and asked me how my vacation is going. Instead of texting i called her, we talked and set up the date on Thursday.
[–]Big_BossMGS 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
UPDATE:
She rescheduled the date that was supposed to happen on Thursday and asked me if we can do it next week. I'm going on my vacation on Wednesday so I told her that I can only do Monday or tuesday which she replied to: "Okay, we will talk then" So I just said: "Cool, no problem. Hit me up and we will work something out." And I left it at that. I don't plan on contacting her again.
And today (3 days after that) I saw that she is with that guy on vacation. So, this is pretty much done.
I'm moving on.
[–]Legitimate-Lies 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Any girl that has played hot and cold (game or not) was either a waste of time or bat shit crazy
Then you must think a lot of girls are crazy or a waste of time. Yes hot and cold is annoying but to some extent it also comes with the territory. Women are always trying to react to their man, so sometimes their message gets a little inconsistent. I've seen much much worse when it comes to hot and cold.
[–]0161mcrB 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Wow, get a grip, you’re not in a relationship - she is not obliged to speak to you every, single, day. She’s not being cold towards you when you do speak so I think you’ll find that it is YOU needing something more from her that she either doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to give you right now
[–]AuraCor3 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's tricky cuz I dated a girl who's hot and cold and have a 5-year relationship but downfall we didn't share any BDSM traits so when she felt cold she could order me around and still keep me. But before I had to lock it down quick before she gave up but if you're not that type of person then don't bother
[–]Yisusbe 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I do think you're been needy and I absolutely understand it because I believe we have a wrong idea of what a relationship should be.
We believe we should talk every day and when there's a moment none of us have something to say, we should still talk because that's what we MUST do, we feel like it's our responsibility to talk every day and entertain the other, even if it's just "hello, how are you fine ok good night". And if that doesn't happen then we feel we're going cold and this relationship is dying.
But that's not it, that belief is one that comes out of neediness, and we're all wired to believe it. So what I do these days is to try to not act that way, and break that circle.
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is just an opinion. And since you stated your age I'm going to give you some thoughts from someone a little older than you who's been thru this before.
Being a female we are brought up with the notion that girls mature faster than guys. At 33 she's most likely in a different mindset. A 25vyear old is going to set off a nagging feeling in her. If she is insecure then this will bother her. How Can I introduce my new bf who's 8 years younger than me?
Most likely she may be looking for husband material...babies..all that stuff. And she could not imagine you at your age would be interested in that. And why would you be? If I had to guess you are probably an attractive nice guy...and that may be the reason she's drawn to you.
Who wouldn't be right? Ok so on that line of thought...you provide her with something she desires....something she needs. It could be your relaxed style, your charm, sex with you...who knows? But when reality slaps her in the face she realizes no way would this guy want the same things as me....long relationship marriage etc
Yes I'm taking a lot of liberty assuming things about the 2xof you. But that's why we all post....to get different ideas from different perspectives yes?
So this is just ONE other perspective. Could be wrong. But of all the females I know...something definitely changes in us when we hit our 30s. Remember....females in their 30s...let alone 33 ...she may be thinking she only has a few years to accomplish marriage and more so...having kids. Because after 40 it can be very risky to do so.
Ok enough advice from me. You do what your head and heart tell you. Sometimes we just need to go thru it to understand it. Wishing you the best.
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for the great response.
Well, I've hinted that I am ready for a relationship and that I have had enough of fooling around. For these past 6 years I've done everything (trust me) and now it's enough. She knows I'm not just there to fuck her.
I do agree that age is what will probably fuck it up eventually. She likes my devilish vibe and she said I'm super fun to talk to. That's what drawn her in. But I definitely get her point of view.
If I had to say something about our situation looking at it objectively it is this:
She likes me, she is attracted, and she is there to have fun with me and enjoy until she becomes more serious with that one guy.
[–]blck_mambaa 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You’re not in an exclusive relationship so don’t stress to much about it. When you guys do have fun together make it enjoyable so she’ll remember it and she will think about you. Do you, don’t over think.
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[–]UpstairsAnalysis 20 points21 points22 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]southpaw5 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 7 points8 points9 points (12 children) | Copy Link
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 1 point2 points3 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 2 points3 points4 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]potatochwip 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]AndroidProject 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Big_BossMGS 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Legitimate-Lies 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]caesarfecit 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]0161mcrB 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]AuraCor3 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Yisusbe 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Gotthesunshine 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]AndroidProject 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]blck_mambaa 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link