A few years ago, I had a relationship with a bio-polar girl who was the hottest girl I'd ever slept with -- and in all likelihood will ever sleep with.

It hasn't stopped me from having good long term relationships, but it effects me in strange ways. I don't want her back. But looks matter to me in ways that make me feel uncomfortable and vain.

I know a lot of my guy friends would say, "Oh really? Bi-polar girl was okay but XYZ girl was way hotter." But for my predilections she's the bar. I'm 32 and I've only met one other girl who took my breath away. One other girl gave me a physical reaction to what I saw. Looks is more than looks, it's subjective, it's pheromones and chemistry and lighting, and all sorts of nonsense. My hot or not scale isn't yours. I get that. So this is just personal perspective.

I don't want this girl back. I don't even miss fucking her. Because our relationship ended a little sloppy I don't think I'd even take her back as a fuck buddy. So this isn't oneitis. At least not in a typical way.

It's more like a sinking feeling of, why do I want this thing if I know it's not that fulfilling?

Let me tell an anecdote to illustrate.

In college I was friends with the QB of the football team and he was dating this cute cheerleader. She was incredible. Blond, skinny, large breasted for her frame, super nice, smart, and in love with him. But it was very obvious to me that there were life trajectory logistics issues. When he graduated and moved on to grad school or work or whatever, she wasn't going to be able to deal. And she'd be off fucking/loving some other dude. And... My friend would never date someone that hot ever again.

(Seeing this sort of thing I said to myself at the time, I never want to date the hottest girl I will ever date. I actually forgot that I told myself that until just now. Oops.)

This turned out to be the case. Later he married a girl I wouldn't consider dating. But they were in love and he was happy. Legit happy. I wasn't close enough to him, to ask a question as crass as I wanted to. "How do you go from X to your Wife? How do you square that?" Because it wasn't like X was mean, or wicked or awful, he loved her and their relationship was in the realm of good. And now... is this settling? Is marriage that important to him? Does he want to get fat? What was going on?

From the accounts given to me by others closer to him, he learned that looks weren't important to him. It was the other stuff that mattered most. And even if looks aren't totally unimportant, they are a low priority. He actually credited his relationship with X for learning that sort of stuff. He learned the things he missed most about X revolved around how well they got along. And he found someone who he got along with better than X, and he wanted a long term commitment.

I've listend to PUAs who say very similar things. "Ehh, hot gets old. After you've had it, it matters less. Give me a girl I get along with over one who is super hot any day."

(Do you have to make that choice? In any relationship, neither party is going to be perfect, there will be conflicts, nobody is a robot. I think there are priorities and acceptable losses we need to understand and learn to cope with if we want long term/stable relationships. When a PUA says looks don't matter, it isn't, start dating sub 5s. But they are saying, don't fuck up a great relationship because your current girlfriend gets you hard but isn't on the cover of Maxim. Don't get caught up in hot or not. Get caught up in compatibility.)

But for me, it never stops mattering. I want it to stop mattering so much. At least I think I do. And I don't think it's a case of, oh I have to get it out of my system. I've dated a lot. And I've never felt like I was slumming it but I've had a couple relationships where the girl gained a little weight, or I was cuspy on her in terms of 'up to my standards' and despite the chicks being awesome people who wanted to continue dating, I couldn't deal. I found ways to drop all of them.

I want to find ways to find what I consider 6-7s attractive. I want to be into personality over cup size and frame and glossy hair, and sparkle in the eyes, and bounce in the step. I want to be into girls that don't pull dudes from across the street.

I know tons of guys who find other things sexy. Like if a girl is smart, or into the things they are into. They get turned on by that. Basically nothing turns me on accept physical beauty. It feels dumb. It feels like this isn't the way things should be. Likewise I have a much higher tolerance for bad behavior, bad or incompatible traits, if I find the girl attractive. Which also feels really really dumb.

TL;DR

How much do looks matter to you personally? How much does it effect your longterm game? Have you slept with the hottest girl you'll ever sleep with? Would you take relatively attractive + wonderful and consider it anything but a compromise?

Have you broken up with the hottest girl you'll ever fuck? Have you broken up with the best sex you'll ever have? Are you going to deal with great sex rather than the best because great sex is a better person for you than best sex was?

Thanks for your thoughts on this subject.