Even though I know I shouldn't need validation from girls, I do. It drives me crazy when a girl doesn't reciprocate the same interest I do. I really want to stop this, how can I?

EpictetustheWise · 2014-11-12T17:20:12+00:00

Years ago, when I first started being able to attract girls, I went through a similar thing to what you're talking about. It is interesting to see other guys bring up oneitis because if you did get more girls around it would indeed diffuse your attention/feelings for that one girl you hooked up with and lessen the intensity somewhat. However, in my experience it goes deeper than that, to an identity level type of problem.

I also started adding more girls to the 'roster' and while it helped to prevent oneitis, I think I became addicted to having more girls in my life. So for example, if I had 10 available to me and then 6 months later only 5 were then it would be a hit to my ego. Almost like I wasn't enough or the value of my self had taken a hit.

Over time, I realized that this was all a mental game that I was playing and it ran really deep. It stemmed from a lack of acceptance of myself and always feeling that I wasn't complete, which led me to chasing status, money, social symbols, or whatever to fill the void. If you cannot accept that you already a complete human being, then no woman or material thing will ever satisfy you and you will constantly seek external validation.

When you chase validation, whether you view the outcome of the interaction with a girl either as positive or negative, you reinforce the behavior...which sucks because then you're always on pins and needles every time you meet a 'great' girl, wondering when she's going to call, if she likes you, etc. All of which is irrelevant to who you are at your core.

One technique I use to deal with putting girls on a pedestal is to ask myself questions about my feelings and try to break whatever fantasy image that in my brain of who I want her to be instead of who she actually is! So for instance,

"If I lived my life fine before she came into my life, why can I not live it in a similar manner now? Is it some phony attachment to this girl? Is she my only option and that is why I don't want her to go? What would be so bad if I had no women, would I not still exist? Is she really all that great? Are there not literally billions of other girls?"

I will then start to think back to other girls I have been with and truly analyze what of value they brought into my life. This helps me to realize that getting girls is not a success and doesn't complete you as a person. It's like chasing a shadow. It is easy to think that once you have girls around that everything becomes wonderful but it doesn't, not until you surrender and accept yourself completely, with or without chicks.

I wrote more about this here: http://attractyourdevelopment.com/confidence-with-women/

Honestly, acceptance of myself and having standards as to what I wanted and was willing to accept in my life were the biggest breakthroughs I ever had within every aspect of my existence. I stopped worrying so much about the negative thought patterns in my head because I realized that I was enough already and my time here is short.

It allowed me to start exploring who I was as a person and to start developing my self and my interests to the maximum, which in turn made more women come to me. Once you've developed a cool and interesting life and can openly express who you are as a person, the girls who are predisposed to liking you start to flock.

There's so much more I could write about this, but it's already long enough. Seriously, stop tripping over this one girl, as I can guarantee you that she really isn't all you are making her out to be in your mind. Keep working on yourself, keep being social, and learn to let go of people and things in your life because you can't control what they do. Also, read up on books by Stoic philosophers, it'll help a bunch....guys like Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, etc. All are free to read online.

greyflcn · 2014-11-12T07:51:21+00:00

Read/Listen to this

http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/B00C93Q5KK

And this

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/B000H5UYLS

Also couldn't hurt to lose weight, gain muscle, dress better, focus on your career and social circle.

If you're getting all your emotional validation from a girl, and not yourself, your work, and your friends. You're doing it wrong.

But also realize, that ultimately unless you are significantly more physically attractive than her, there's always going to be an imbalance of interest.

Since in a Social science "game theory" sense of things, by default she comes to the bargaining table offering access to sex. You gotta have to something worthwhile to counter that offer. So essentially, you have to be superior in some way, or else she's probably going to be interested in a better offer.

Diece · 2014-11-12T06:16:06+00:00

Have you ever tried switching the paradigm? Instead of you seducing then girl make the girl feel like she is seducing you.

8sweettooth8 · 2014-11-12T13:12:46+00:00

If you come to terms with realizing that you don't need a woman to be successful or happy in life, you will quickly lose this need for female validation.

A partner is an accessory. You can be just as happy and successful as anyone that is in a relationship.

You don't NEED a girlfriend or a wife, it's certainly not essential to your survival... so why put so much VALUE on her and let it affect your life in such a way?

asiank1ng · 2014-11-12T18:16:14+00:00

Abundance mentality. I'd be careful though , when you become that man who is constantly receiving validation, it's easy to be consumed by the constant need for it. At least that's how I feel.

KingOfDaNorth · 2014-11-12T18:32:36+00:00

I used to have a similar problem. It's called oneitis. You get all worked up about a girl before she reciprocates your interest fully. These girls don't deserve an ounce of extra thought from you and definitely don't deserve that you obsess over them. They aren't bad people, they just have rightfully decided they aren't interested and the best course of action is to forget about them.

The solution? Just date more girls until you are exclusive with someone. I've had first dates that I thought went extremely well, but apparently they didn't from her perspective. I would get worked up about it, wondering what I was doing wrong. But the truth was, I was doing the majority of things correctly. But what helps me now is knowing that if I tank a date on Thursday, I have another one with someone else on Friday and so on.

At any point while chasing a girl, she could decide that you aren't the one for her. It's life. But striking out isn't so bad when you know you will get to return to the plate in the next inning.

childishgames · 2014-11-12T21:39:06+00:00

This happens to me sometimes, but it is only when I care about a girl or feel invested in a girl. You shouldn't be bothered by stuff like this unless you have been dating a particular girl for a bit of time.

The best thing I can say is talk to as many girls as you can. Try to go on dates with as many girls as you can. The more girls you have at your disposal, the less you will care about any one in particular not reciprocating your interest. Also your game will be better, and you will not be as bothered by things not working out with any one girl.

clutchy22 · 2014-11-13T10:56:43+00:00

Have you tried putting yourself into situations and activities that get your focal point off of one thing and instead at the task at hand? Not as a means to impress anyone other than yourself? I don't think you need a re-work as much as you potentially need to physically and mentally exhaust yourself, allowing you to have a different viewpoint in a fresh environment or situation. Exercise in it's many facets and productive hobbies are the best answer. Things will fall into place as they should, expanding and re-developing your mind to work certain ways takes time.

2014-11-12T16:15:53+00:00

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TheLiquidator · 2014-11-12T12:14:59+00:00

When first entering the community the first bits of advice that stuck in my head was stop putting women on pedestals and get rid off the oneitis mentality. It took some time but when you realise that there are plenty of other women out there you can learn to enjoy the seduction. Plus if you get another girl you can show off pre-selection when around the original girl and that always helps your chances. So ditch the oneitis bro!

PhilosophizingCowboy · 2014-11-12T10:57:29+00:00

Your asking a subreddit that basically revolves around pursuing women how to make the pursuit not important....

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