I remember my first girl I went on a date with I was head over hells for. We went for coffee. Talked for 4 hours. Hugged and went our own way. A week later we went bowling. A week later went to dinner and a movie. I kissed her that night… it was so beautiful. 4th date invited her over and cooked for her, we did the deed that night (unplanned on my end)

All this happened 4 years ago until present where a month or so ago I decided to end things for good. She is an amazing girl. We talked about life, a future, we made a space of our own even. There was never an argument, only caring conversations. Some of those involved me bringing up the same thing multiple times. Rarely did she ever have issues with things I was doing. I constantly felt the need to have things “my” not “our” way. I didn’t realize this about myself until we had our final conversation and I was/am very selfish. I felt things weren’t going well because we weren’t having sex that often…turns out I was just addicted to porn and it was taking away all the progress she was making to try to be better.

Anyways what’s done is done, the chapter on that relationship has been written and closed. Ahead lie more chapters, they may not be as good as the first but they’ll have their own uniqueness. One thing that I wish I still had was that sense of innocence, not knowing what to do and just let things develop naturally, almost like a high school relationship. I think about meeting someone now and I don’t know how I’ll be able to get as attached to this new person as I did the first. From what I know now I feel that I’ll constantly be holding myself back from my feelings because I have to play a “game”… it shouldn’t be a game all the time… should it?

TLDR: I never played the “game” with my first relationship and it felt so genuine and organic. It was her second and my first. Going forward I feel like I can’t be genuine and organic because this ain’t allowed in dating anymore and isn’t part of the “game” of getting women.