Help! Any tips on how to handle dating / sleeping with multiple women?

40_year_old_playa · 2012-10-24T13:41:11+00:00

The biggest problem is scheduling. It's hard to see more than three or four women on a regular basis while still having time for yourself outside, and seeing them often enough to keep them on the hook without feeling left alone.

On the other hand, you have more flexibility in a way. I had a date with a new girl set for Friday but she ended up postponing. So I was able to call up one of my other friends, and she's coming over to my place "to watch a DVD." (We never make it all the way through the movie, but women think they need an excuse to come for sex.)

It seems to work fine if you see them once a week & text every three or five days. They just have to feel like you're interested in them to keep their own interest up. Women who need more contact than that are dependent types and the relationship question is going to be hanging over you like crazy.

Since they're asking the player question, and are already involved with you, it's kind of a yellow flag. That's jealousy flaring up-- they want you to themselves but are beginning to see they can't have you, probably because you're not available exclusively to them all the time and they know it. Every time you skip seeing them on a Friday or Saturday night, they immediately assume--correctly--that you're seeing other people. No way around that.

So if they think you're a player, own it: you don't want to act like a relationship kind of guy if you're not, because you'll inevitably bring the situation down on yourself. Besides, women who are looking for a relationship are trouble, and you should drop them fast if that's not what you're looking for to avoid hurting them or bringing their hurt drama into your life.

But if you're trying satisfy both women and build loving relationships with both, maybe you should be asking in /r/polyamory or /r/relationshipadvice since you've already accomplished the point of this sub.

Docster87 · 2012-10-24T15:17:24+00:00

Do NOT date two girls that live across the hallway of each other in a dorm. Might work for several months but at some point they will either talk to each other or they will both be in the hall when you approach.

You are likely beyond that tip but I still ask myself why I didn't think of that before shit hit the fan.

liquidhandle · 2012-10-24T12:50:31+00:00

What works for me: Be honest about what you want, and don't act from a place of fear or scarcity. Always be upfront and encourage them to do the same. I wouldn't bring it up specifically if they don't ask though. It's really none of their business if you're being safe and they're not under the impression that you are exclusive.

Girls calling you a "player" is just another shit test to suss out insecurity. Don't fall into the trap. Just laugh it off, you have nothing to be ashamed of. "So you'd rather date a virgin? Is usually my frame, but it rarely comes up in reality. You might be building up worry in your head when there is nothing to fear. Most women are mature enough not to care, and are adults about it --assuming you've been forthright with them.
Get to know them. Learn what they love in life, where their passions lie, what gets them up in the morning. Go to an event or a museum together, take mental notes on what lights them up. Actually listen and contribute to conversations, instead of just waiting for your turn to speak and changing the subject. Not only will you learn a ton more and be a better rounded person, but you will have a deeper connection. As for relationships, yes, they should all be passionate and loving! Why would you want to spend time with someone you don't like? Different people give you different things, that's the whole point of juggling MLTR's. Otherwise its just extra work. People tend to want to put labels on things, however, so just be clear and firm, and ready to walk away if its just not working out. You are coming from a place of abundance, you can always meet new people and you shouldn't act badly because someone is forcing their belief system down your throat, or vice versa.
Keep in touch but don't be needy. Pace your texts with hers. Fairly simple. Be the one that brightens her day, the exception. I love random/funny/cute picture messages. Like squirrels with lightsabers and goofy shit like that. Seeing a person once a week is fine, remember, the goal is not to maintain a relationship that isn't working just to say that you are in a few, they should be naturally evolving- strengthening or dissolving, and overall the pool should get stronger as a result.
Answered above.

Hope this helps!

R3DR0CK3T · 2012-10-24T15:36:02+00:00

Wrap it up B!

yournotright · 2012-10-24T14:23:31+00:00

Wow- a couple great comments already. If this is your first time really getting into dating multiple women at once, I have a couple practical warnings for you.

Clean your sheets/room regularly. This seems like a no brainer- but nothing kills sexy time like a girl finding Jewelry/hair clips that are not hers on your bedside table. This goes for your trash cans in your bathroom too.

Keep an active lifestyle beyond just the women you see. Make sure you leave time for your guy friends and your hobbies.

Do not be surprised when women get frustrated with the situation and your dis-interest in committing to them. Usually, the women I date only stick around 3-6 months, and then it will devolve into a much more casual and infrequent thing. That could be on me, but I feel like its probably just result of them wanting more/something different. What all this means is I go through cycles of women, where I'll be dating 3 or 4 and then a few will back off and I'll be down to 1-2, which usually motivates me to start pursuing more women. I'd be curious to see if other guys experience this.

Anyways, I hope this helps a little. Good luck, have fun, and be safe!

Only_A_Username · 2012-10-24T15:12:07+00:00

Number one is DON'T LIE TO THEM.

If they ask if you are seeing other women, tell the truth, even if it's something they don't want to hear. The moment you start playing girl's emotion and using them is when you degenerate from a Casanova to a Don Quixote. Word will spread, and you'll be known as "that douchebag who plays women."

Frozenlight · 2012-10-25T05:22:30+00:00

Give/get them the same perfume.

puaCurveBall · 2012-10-24T17:54:23+00:00

This should just be handled by your general outlook on life. Don't accept frames that paint you as a player.
The same way you make a girl in monogamous relationship feel special, just give her some person-specific validation
I see some women once every 2 weeks, but I'd say once a week is good, if you aren't trying to make things too serious. I try to text / fb every 2-3 days, sometimes every day but not expected.
Just be honest, tell them how you view relationships and that you really enjoy what you guys have but wouldn't want any more at this time.

I've been dating a minimum of 3 girls for last 1.5 years, with 5-6 serious ones ongoing for a couple months.... when it was 5 it was very hectic, but still manageable.

One thing that made this possible, was that I generally date poly bisexual women, so there are a lot of weekends where I can hang out with 2-3 at the same time.... that is a huge help.

titanicx · 2012-10-24T13:49:57+00:00

Don't sleep with them at the same time, unless they let you, then do.

backtothegame · 2012-10-24T20:22:02+00:00

What are specific things in terms of physicality and emotional interaction that you DO do and that you DON'T do with these multiple women. Physically I'm a pretty affectionate guy and I definitely just on some level seem to make girls feel like "they're the only one in the world" when I'm with them. Which seems to always make it complicated even when I say things like I'm not looking for something serious and we can both date/are dating other people.

Really interested in specifics. You always greet them with a kiss, you hold hands, you don't hold hands, etc. (on later dates after you f-closed).

themanbat · 2012-10-25T04:29:04+00:00

Whenever possible make it at her place. Not yours. Unless you really are super player and trying for a threesome, you probably don't want one girl showing up while you are entertaining another.

You can try for a threesome if you really want to, and you just might get it, but just make sure you really don't care if both girls break things off for good.

FrederickDebaucle · 2012-10-24T15:08:33+00:00

1) You are a player. That doesn't mean you have to call yourself that. You're missing the point here. You aren't what you do. You're how you do it. If you sleep around, do it classily, and it works. Do it like a slutbag, and you're a slutbag.

Some girls simply cannot get their head around not being the center of your world. It's just an unfortunate part of sleeping around. You can either hide it for a time, (They usually find out eventually.) or just accept it and move on.

2)Treat them special. When you're with one, treat her like she's the only one. Don't lie to her, but give her your full attention while you two are together. As long as you don't let your attentions bleed outwards while you and her and spending time together, there's no reason she shouldn't feel great when she's with you. Besides, that's why she's with you, right?

3)I don't personally believe there's a time restraint on when you can see/text a women. If she's into you, and you're into her, go get that shit. Otherwise somebody might beat you to the punch. You like her, go out on a limb, a little bit. Don't gamble your rent on her, but taking risks is sexy as hell.

I've got a girl I only see on weekends, and then a lady I see a few nights a week, and then a third girl I see on Friday and sometimes Thursday - as long as you keep them interested, and enjoy their company, once a week is fine. Make that day the best part of her entire week. Texting is up to you. Communicate as you see fit. I've noticed I do much less "tell me about your day" type texting when I'm busy. I just don't care, and that's what her friends are for.

4) Then I would explain the situation, and see if she still wants in. If so, I would probably tell her that I simply don't have the time in my life to pursue that, nor the interest, and that the ball is in her court - if she wants to continue to be friends and sleep together, I'd be happy to oblige.

But I'm certainly no game expert, so what I say is just musings.

sormenkynsi · 2012-10-24T14:32:49+00:00

This is something I have been battling with recently as well. In the last month, my game has suddenly flipped a switch. It has evolved to a point where abundance is now my main concern, not scarcity.

Like you, I have 2 girls who I see about once weekly. In contrast to what liquidhandle recommends, I have openly told both of them that I am not looking for anything serious, and that I will probably be dating other girls (and I am happy for them to see other guys). I figure the more open you are about what you want and what is going on, the less chance to mislead them.

But I also have another 4 girls who I would like to see more of (2 I have done day-2s with, the other 2 I have yet to do so).

I am finding it difficult to fit it all in, and as 40_year_old_playa says I think 3 or 4 is probably the maximum before things get a little out of hand.

As far as your questions are concerned:

I can't really help you, because this hasn't really happened to me. But as others have said, I wouldn't sweat it.
When I am with each girl, I make sure that my attention is fully focused on them and enjoying their company. I am new to this sort of thing as well, but I believe you can have passionate, loving relationships in a non-monogamous situation.
I probably end up texting the girls once or twice a week (although that might be multiple texts on the one day), and I see them about once a week on average. It seems to be workable and no one has complained about not seeing me enough. That said, there are a couple of girls who have flaked on me recently and it may be because I wasn't keeping in contact enough.
The way I have been playing things, this hasn't been a problem. Although one of the girls is starting to show more relationship-like behaviour, so I think I am going to have to talk to her about that to make sure she is still cool with a casual relationship.

This kind of thing is in the early days for me, so I can't claim any long term success. But so far things haven't fallen apart on me.

2012-10-24T15:16:10+00:00

Season 3, Episode 23 of Charles in Charge "Runaround Charles" addresses this situation perfectly.

kid320 · 2012-10-24T22:39:19+00:00

A few years ago, I was talking to a female friend of mine. I was desperate to settle into a long term relationship with someone and got hurt a few times because I would ask a girl to be exclusive too quickly. This would normally lead to them freaking out and ignoring me for a week before finally telling me they weren't interested.

In talking to my friend about it, she gave me an entirely different point of view on things. She told me that she was in her mid-20's. While she isn't old, she realizes her 30s are quickly approaching. So, before committing to a guy, she needs to make sure he is worth it. She told me that it took her current boyfriend something like 6 months (and asking multiple times) for her to finally agree to be exclusive with him. During that time, she wasn't necessarily going on dates with other guys, but she was keeping her options open until he was able to prove himself to her. Just for full disclosure, I happen to know her very well and she would've likely freaked out if this guy had thought about going on a date with another girl during this time.

Now, seddit can break this down and analyze this however it wants, but it really doesn't matter because I am not attempting to tell you to be that guy. While I think she is a great girl, and I think they have a great relationship, telling a guy to emulate him would be pretty horrible advice.

What I am trying to have you take from this is an adoption of her attitude. One with the slight alteration of having the knowledge that any girl you are seeing is also free to see other guys without your permission or jealousy. This is a very dominant attitude to have, and it demands respect. It shows that you aren't afraid of commitment. In fact, it shows the opposite - that you are so serious about commitment, you need to make sure someone is right for you before you commit to them. It shows the other involved party that they have something to prove to you. It shows that this isn't a sure thing, and if they fail to prove themselves, someone superior might come along and put them out of the picture.

This is not a sign that you aren't capable or even willing to settle down with one girl, but rather a sign that you are VERY picky about who you choose to be exclusive with. If a girl realizes this, and you eventually choose to be exclusive with her, she will feel like she had to attain to something. It will make her that much more serious about her commitment, and make her realize how much you truly do think she is special and unique and you appreciate her for that.

Say you have 3 legitimate options for girls that may be worth dating. If you were to do the exclusive relationship with girl 1 and that doesn't work out for you, it may be 6 months down the road. Girls 2 and 3 might already be long gone into committed relationships of their own. Maybe not - maybe you'll get lucky and make contact with one of them again, but it will likely be an uphill battle to get them back. Looking at it this way, dating a few girls at the same time makes perfect sense. Girls might call it being a player, but if you explain it to them like this with the justification of, "Hey, I'm not getting any younger and I really don't know who my perfect match is. It is hard to tell if anything is going to work out a few weeks into it. So, why am I going to waste years of my life commuting to one person who may or may not be worth that time while the one who is perfect for me gets away? That would be unfair to both parties. I am not afraid of commitment, but I need to make sure you are worth it. If you can prove yourself to me, you will be my one and only, but it takes a lot for that to happen."

I'm really no expert on this whole seduction thing, so please proceed with caution. That being said, I think it is a great attitude to adopt and I'm curious to see what seddit thinks.

dodspringer · 2012-10-24T18:44:43+00:00

Don't.

kundrrr · 2012-10-24T14:48:48+00:00

[permanently deleted]

TofuTofu · 2012-10-24T13:17:41+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Help! Any tips on how to handle dating / sleeping with multiple women?
Author	kundrrr
Upvotes	57
Comments	38
Date	October 24, 2012 12:11 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1202k3/help_any_tips_on_how_to_handle_dating_sleeping/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/help-any-tips-on-how-to-handle-dating-sleeping.1341680 https://theredarchive.com/post/1341680

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