How do you stop second guessing yourself? I read 'Models'. And man.. There are books, and then there are BOOKS! There are books you go into thinking nothing much, but they end up changing you. I'm currently going through No More Mr. Nice Guy. And looks like even this is one of those books.

But here lies my problem. I'm afraid of outcomes. Not just in matters of women, but everything. What will happen if I say this? Will my boss fire me? I think, that all this talk of being polarizing is good in books, but I'm too afraid to apply them in real life. I'm too afraid of what can happen if I tell this co worker that I don't like them and ask them to just stay away from me. Will they go to the boss about that? What will this do to the impression people have about me? I don't 'hate' my job right now, but I don't love it either. Sure, it's not something I want to do in the long term, but it pays the bills, so it's fine.

I have had my share of would've, could've, should've moments. I wanted to ask out this girl from work, but every time I came up with stories of why I should not. Mark Manson covers this concept in a chapter entitled 'What are your stories'. These stories went along the lines of, "I'm fat", "She won't go out with me", "I'm not a fun person to be around with", "This is wrong", "I don't have a life. I'm just a nerd who spends in weekends poring over books, playing games, fussing over TV shows; while she has a life outside of work", "She has so many guys fawning over her, with their six pack abs and expensive haircuts and I'm nothing".

Now I know what most of you guys will say. That I'm putting her on the pedestal, that I need to love myself more. But how do I do it? This behavior is hard wired into my brain. How much ever I read the same thing again and again and again (Models, No More Mr. Nice Guy etc), I just don't seem to be able to apply what they are saying. I guess there is this fundamental belief inside me that I'm not worth loving. Sometimes I think that I would be willing to trade a part of my intelligence, my academic inclination, to just be better socially. To have friends who matter. To have that someone. I don't know why, but as I write this, my eyes are watering.

I'm too afraid to cross these boundaries, and don't have too many 'safe' people (as Dr. Glover puts it in his book) to confide my thoughts. I come to subreddits like /r/seduction and feel at home with similar minded people. While many of us are here to master pick up, most of us here are just average guys, who are socially awkward and just want to find love in some form. And I wish I could have a friend. People who I can confide in without the fear of being judged. I just wish I could physically meet you guys, and give and take help as I need it.

I want to come out of this mental state of mind, but I'm afraid I can't do it alone. I want to stop second guessing my every move and be able to do it without guilt, and without the fear of outcomes. This is another thing. Guilt. I fell guilty for almost every action I do. Should i have talked this way to my friend, my co worker. Will they leave me and I'll be alone? I can see the way this can be done, but can never seem to be able to go on it as I'm too afraid.

Do you know what my greatest fear is? Ending up alone. No alone like without a girl. But alone on my deathbed with no one on my side. No friends, No family. This puts me into depression sometimes.

Basically this is a rant. I just wanted to get this out of my chest. I'm sorry if this is not as interesting as any other posts that generally come to these places.

TL;DR: Have read books by Dr. Glover and Mark Manson, but still can't come out of my old behavior as it's hardwired into my brain, and hoping I had friends I could confide my thoughts in.

edit: grammar