I figured I might as well post here....

IneedHelpNowPlease · 2011-09-20T00:11:03+00:00

Look I'd say just read the posts I've already made,not here but on other forums. Anyways,long story short, I'm depressed,on meds,in...

[–]heckz 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link

[–]drumdance 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link

The meds have greatly helped. A little while back,I switched over to ones that last for 24 hours, and it's been really good. Well,we've tried developing coping skills,and there somewhat working. I don't know if it would be best to see where the feelings of worthlessness come from, not that it's a bad idea, but with where it seems to be heading, that seems to be something we're not trying to get into and more so move into something positive.

Yeah. Like I said,we've started these coping skills,looking for warning signs,etc. They have helped somewhat.

I have done all that I can to try and make myself happy,3 times during the day or more. For a long time,it was drinking,but I've stopped that,watching tv,going online,listening to music,shopping,work when I was working,talking to people,anyone around,online or in person,about anything,and trying to find or have that connection. All those things I would say have produced mixed results,some negative,like the drinking, and others just enough to where I could feel good for a while.

What's really been bothering me,has been this lack of romantic/sexual relationships over the years. I mean, I've felt so lonely,and isolated,and inadequate over this,and gotten so hard on myself over it, it's like, how did I end up like this in the first place? I'd get more into detail, and I can if you'd like, but I just figure for the time being I'd keep it short and simple.

I mean, I see something like this:

http://boston.craigslist.org/search/cas/?query=mw4w

People posting adds with there gf's or wifes,looking for other girls for threesomes,and it's like,what the fuck is or has been wrong with me?

[–]drumdance 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link

[–]drumdance 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

So it sounds like you're doing all the basics well.

But just to be sure, ask a female friend for advice on the fashion. If you don't have any female friends, go to a department store and ask the women working there. They have a much better eye than guys.

Also, I didn't mention grooming. Get a cool haircut, brush your teeth and get a tongue scraper (don't overlook this - it helps prevent bad breath)

The way for a guy to not look average is not to act average. As long as you're not seriously overweight or have really bad acne, you've got everything you need. Add some fashion and you're in the top 20% of men.

Conversationally, focus on really simple stuff at first. Ask directions, or suggestions for a good restaurant. The first few times you will be scared, but after a while it's not bad (you'll still always have approach anxiety, but you'll train yourself to muscle through it).

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

Basics? I don't know about that. I'm not working, I still live at home,and haven't had sex in a long time, which or may or may not bother me more than it should.

Idk, I don't like the idea of asking people for fashion advice. I boil it down to,and just hear me out, I don't like being told what to do, I really don't care about fashion, not that I dress like a slob, but the whole obsession over it has always bugged me and come off as really superficial. I just don't care. Sure I like nice clothes,and see lots of different types I'd like to buy, but here what I'm saying?

I groom well. Bathe daily. Brush teeth and make sure I always gum or mints. Smell good/clean. Keep hair cut well usually.

I'm not seriously overweight and have lost alot, and never had an acne problem. So that's not a problem.

"Conversationally, focus on really simple stuff at first. Ask directions, or suggestions for a good restaurant. The first few times you will be scared, but after a while it's not bad (you'll still always have approach anxiety, but you'll train yourself to muscle through it)."

See,that's where I've struggled/gotten frustrated, starting off with the simple stuff. I tend to see things on the big scale so to say, and feel I should be at a certain level and that sort of thing. I'm trying not to do that as much,but that's the dillemma. I mean,I want to be able approach more and such. I also have a tendency to be too in my head at times,zoned out and daydreaming and such. I mean, I have a friend who's younger than me, and while I wouldn't call him a "natural", he is not as in his head so to say,and is more in tune with that sort of thing I'd say. He has some "afc" tendencies as well. But when I've been with him, maybe it's his style, he's into the whole "hipster" thing, he's not a douche at all, he bashes,well not bashes,but doesn't like that sort of thing, and well,girls seem to like that. I don't know about him,but his style.

And me? I just don't care about things like that. It's not something I judge people on. I mean sure,there's somethings I see that I think are dumb, like NASCAR shirts and shirts with dumb sayings on them,so yeah.

[–]drumdance 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

If you don't care about fashion, fine. But don't go after girls who do. Or think of it another way: you probably don't LIKE brushing your teeth, washing the dishes or taking out the trash, but you do it anyway. Fashion is kind of like that. Here's a good article about it: http://www.practicalpickup.com/shut-up-and-dress-well

If nothing else, talking to girls at the department store is a great way to practice. It's their job to be nice to you, and they often have very good fashion advice. Also, they're bored as hell standing around all day and happy to interact with someone. Just say "I could use a woman's opinion about shirts" and that's all you need to get the conversation going.

Last week I got asked on a date by a hot stripper, and I'm convinced that half the reason is because I was the best-dressed guy in the place. I wasn't wearing an Armani suit - just jeans, decent shoes, a dark t-shirt and a cool jacket.

I don't like being told what to do if it's unsolicited (I'm an entrepreneur). But if I ask for advice I usually like the feedback process, even if I don't always agree with the exact advice. It helps me clarify my thinking.

It's easy to get focused on the wrong things. Big picture thinkers in particular. But you have to take baby steps. Make a list of challenges and do one per week:

Week 1. Ask 10 girls what time it is Week 2. Ask 10 girls to suggest a good restaurant

Also, your friend sounds like a good person to hang out with. Spend more time with him.

We ALL judge people, except perhaps the Dalai Lama. It's an evolutionary adaptation.

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I do like brushing my teeth, that's rather important. Don't go after girls who do like fashion? I see what you're saying, but they're the materialistic ones and not me. I mean, if it's easy for to me not give a shit, I don't see why it's so hard for anyone else.

I agree about dressing well,that's a good skill to have. It's the constant judging and overanalyzing and the idea of always wearing the "right" thing that's always gotten to me,and how people can be so easily well,manipulated, into thinking that's super important. I mean, what can I say? I still have a little bit of the pissed off 16 year old in me.

I mean,no one really judges contractor/construction types. Hell, I'm sometimes jealous that they don't get shit for it.

"Last week I got asked on a date by a hot stripper, and I'm convinced that half the reason is because I was the best-dressed guy in the place. I wasn't wearing an Armani suit - just jeans, decent shoes, a dark t-shirt and a cool jacket."

That's usually how I dress. I misread it at first and thought you said you were wearing an armani suit. To which I was going to say, not to be a dick,but duh! Haha. I mean, I dress well and clean up well when I need to, and often get complimented on it, which yes, feels nice to hear. But do you hear where I'm coming from on the other end as well?

"I don't like being told what to do if it's unsolicited (I'm an entrepreneur). But if I ask for advice I usually like the feedback process, even if I don't always agree with the exact advice. It helps me clarify my thinking."

Yeah see,that's where I've been a bit stubborn. I'm working on that. See,I used to work in a place where you were always being told what to do, and they'd get on your dick over every petty stupid little thing. Not something that you could see getting disciplined over like a bad attitude,swearing at or in front of people,threatening people,no. It was basically if you didn't wipe the customers ass for them after they shit and hold there dick while they piss, this is all a figure of speech and not literal of course haha, they'd get on you for petty shit like that, and if you told them to go fuck themselves, the managers, it was basically, if you don't like it,there's the door and don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out,so while I would say I am a good listener, I tend to have this defensive thing where if it feels like someone is trying to tell me what to do, or trying to do every thing for me when I can do it myself. So,while I try to heed advice, this is an issue.

"If nothing else, talking to girls at the department store is a great way to practice. It's their job to be nice to you, and they often have very good fashion advice. Also, they're bored as hell standing around all day and happy to interact with someone. Just say "I could use a woman's opinion about shirts" and that's all you need to get the conversation going."

Yeah,see,that faked niceness, I don't like it. I mean, I know it's there job and all,but there's some part about that that just doesn't sit well with me. Lemme tell you a story: My friend just finally had sex for the first time with a hooker. I mean, after finally talking and talking about it,he did it. I'm not judging him,he can buy all the hookers he wants for all I really care. Now, he has aspergers,and is a bit naieve when it comes to these sort of things. The other night, he's telling me how she was all sweet and nice to him,and he claims she said she loved him,he also claims she said she would see him outside of work so to say, and I'm trying to tell him,yeah no shit she said that, that's there job, that's what they're supposed to do, and if she does see you outside so to say, while I'm sure she will provide favors, it's more than likely she's just trying to milk you for money. I mean, I'm not trying to crush his spirits, just being realistic. I haven't bought hookers,and I don't judge those who do,but yeah. Just an example.

That was slightly off topic, but I feel I would say it anyways. I mean, I want to be able to be naturally conversational,which I would say I am,but this is a specific thing. I mean, and maybe this is over confidence, but I rarely like asking people,esp girls,about there opinions on things like fashion. My attitude is, I like it,fuck do I care what anyone else thinks? And isn't part of this whole thing the not seeking validation from others?

"I don't like being told what to do if it's unsolicited (I'm an entrepreneur). But if I ask for advice I usually like the feedback process, even if I don't always agree with the exact advice. It helps me clarify my thinking."

I know what you mean, I think that's well and good, but I still have some stubbornness to me. I like the feedback if it makes sense to me so to say.

"It's easy to get focused on the wrong things. Big picture thinkers in particular. But you have to take baby steps. Make a list of challenges and do one per week:"

Yeah,that's been the struggle, and stuff I've heard before. I think it's hard for me cause of this sense of compensation. Something feels like it's been missing, and I want that one thing or things that will help get to where I want to be/go cause it didn't coalesce sooner so to say.

"Week 1. Ask 10 girls what time it is Week 2. Ask 10 girls to suggest a good restaurant

Also, your friend sounds like a good person to hang out with. Spend more time with him."

Something like that with the girls. Getting out and asking questions. See, I've gotten it mixed up as how do you be the one they go after/come up too/chase, cause that's how I thought it's supposed to work.

Not to diss my friend, but maybe I explained it wrong. See,he tries,he def does, but at the same point, he is uh, kind of a spaz in all due respect. I mean, he told me he met this girl recently,only to get friend zoned, and the way he described her and his feelings for her, to me, you see that movie youth in revolt? Remember him at the beginning where he,mmm,how do I put this, not that he, my friend can't or wouldn't stand up for himself, but he has that sort of manic pixie dream girl thing,know what I mean? Like that scene at the beginning of the move where he's at the music store, talking to the girl about this foreign movie, then her bf disses him and calls him a fag or something,not the best example but it's all I could think of at the moment. I mean, if someone did that to him, my friend,I'm sure he'd go and fight the guy, even though he's not the tallest or most built guy,he's rather skinny, he definitley won't take any shit from anyone and I def give him that.

And we have different outlooks. He's a little more into trends, I'm not. I've never cared for or believed in following trends. I either like or I don't for this or that reason(s). I've always rolled my eyes at those who follow trends. It's just how I've seen things.

"We ALL judge people, except perhaps the Dalai Lama. It's an evolutionary adaptation."

I try not too. Not to sound or get all holier than thou,I try not too. Least not on petty things like fashion. I try to judge more on who the person is. I've said it myself before: Sometimes a little bit of judgement can be a good thing.

[–]drumdance1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Re: fashion and women - it's not superficial to be attracted to someone who dresses well. Women are most attracted to success (I didn't say money), and clothes are a quick filter on that. Like I said, you don't have to dress like you work on Wall Street, just dress like you give a shit what you look like.

All niceness is fake until it becomes real. No one except your mom you unconditionally. Everyone else you have to cultivate a relationship with, and that starts with superficial banter.

But note that when you chat up a chick working retail, it's not fake because she is bored and would love something to distract her. It's only if you act like a douchebag that she has to pretend.

I wouldn't dismiss your friend about the hooker. I've been with a few and none of them offered that. People with Asperger's are often weirdly attractive to women because they frequently say outlandish things. I dated a women with Asperger's and that was one of her most attractive qualities.

Self improvement is never easy, and only you can decide whether you want to improve in a certain area. Good luck.

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

"Re: fashion and women - it's not superficial to be attracted to someone who dresses well. Women are most attracted to success (I didn't say money), and clothes are a quick filter on that. Like I said, you don't have to dress like you work on Wall Street, just dress like you give a shit what you look like."

Define success. What type of it? I do dress well I would say, but feel I am above being judged on what I wear. I mean, it's easy for me to not do it, why shouldn't it be easy for everyone else? I mean, what's the line between dressing well, and just being an appeaser?

"All niceness is fake until it becomes real. No one except your mom you unconditionally. Everyone else you have to cultivate a relationship with, and that starts with superficial banter."

Mmm, not nec.so. Perhaps are definitions of superficial are different. How does niceness go from fake to real exactly?

"But note that when you chat up a chick working retail, it's not fake because she is bored and would love something to distract her. It's only if you act like a douchebag that she has to pretend."

I hear what you're saying, and it's a great idea. Well, it is kind of fake cause she's paid to be nice to everyone and make everyone feel good. I worked in retail for 4 years, so I know how it works. And this is my odd sense of humor, not that I would do this, but I think it would be funny to be douchey to a chick in retail just to bust her balls a little haha. But in all seriousness, treating those who work in retail/restauraunts etc well is big in my book. Maybe I am too idk,insecure I want to say to do it.

"I wouldn't dismiss your friend about the hooker. I've been with a few and none of them offered that. People with Asperger's are often weirdly attractive to women because they frequently say outlandish things. I dated a women with Asperger's and that was one of her most attractive qualities."

I'm not dismissing him at all. I mean, I've known him since we were kids. He can be a bit of a story teller at times, so I have to take some of what he says with a grain of salt. I know he's not lying about the hooker. I'm just trying to tell him the reality of things and don't want to see him conned/taken advantage of. I mean the other day, he thought there was a good chance the girl he saw was going to leave the job and come live with him and be in love. I had to burst his bubble on that one saying it's a slim chance. I mean, I told him no shit she said those things. That's what they do and what they get paid for. Oh he says outlandish things. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes I can only take so much.

"Self improvement is never easy, and only you can decide whether you want to improve in a certain area. Good luck."

Is it really never easy? What makes it not easy?

[–]drumdance1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Success just means you have some goal you're working toward, or a passion you're exploring. It doesn't have to be money, but it has to be meaningful to you. If it is, it will show in your conversations. You'll be enthusiastic when talking about it.

Niceness from fake to real? Pretty much all conversations start like this:

"Hi, how are you?"

"I'm fine, how are you?"

How much of that is sincere? Superficial chat only stops being superficial when you find an emotional connection. It might be a realization that you both have a common interest, or you might bond over a shared experience (positive or negative). But unless you initiate the superficial part, you'll never get to the substantive.

Self improvement is hard because you very often are trying to change a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors. We all have unconscious patterns the govern our daily lives. When we try to change those patterns, it often feels wrong, as if the way you've always done it is ipso facto the correct way.

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]drumdance1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

"I've also become more adventurous and more interesting. A big part of this is just adopting a more interesting lifestyle, which leads to more opportunities to meet women and more interesting things to talk about when you do."

What do you think I've long wanted to do/have? What do you think has long been this sort of struggle for me? Like a more interesting lifestyle being? See, I've always had this, as best I can put it, stubbornness, that started sometime around back in high school, in that,mmm,how do I best put this?, everyone else is a follower and I'm not, I don't belong because of everyone else/ they're too this or that,shallow,stupid,superficial,care about things I don't etc. And it's been frustrating that people would judge me on such things, and I feel I am above that. It's like I don't want to give into them. Know what I mean?

Well,what do you do? You work? In school? Still live at home? Active social life? All those things that lead to such opportunities with women? How old are you? When did you start to/did things start to change and how did they? How many women have you been with in all?

My confidence,is, as I can best put it, limited in many ways.

[–]drumdance1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

People aren't judging you on whether you do/or do not follow a trend. The truth is, most people aren't thinking about you at all. This is all in your head.

Who cares if you're a follower? Not me, nor do most people. All that matters is if the activity or subject matter interests you. So what it there are a million other people doing it?

I'm 43. Here are some of the things I've done this year:

Thai kickboxing class
Samba dance class
Marched in gay pride parade
Went to several tech conferences
Adopted a new diet based on the Paleo Diet (good conversation topic)
Played drums in an amateur samba group
Visited Australia and went scuba diving
Did several hikes (I live in Colorado)
Aerial yoga class
Took books to coffee shops to read
Salsa dance class
Started training to do 100 pushups without stopping (I'm up to 57)
Started reading more fiction again

Basically, I just kept my eye open for opportunities to do something new, and ideally in a situation where multiple people would be there. Classes of any kind are good for this.

Not all of these are social, but they're part of my identity and make me a more interesting person.

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]RedErin 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]iznou -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]IneedHelpNowPlease[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]iznou -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Title	I figured I might as well post here....
Author	IneedHelpNowPlease
Upvotes	1
Comments	23
Date	September 20, 2011 12:11 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/kl1bo/i_figured_i_might_as_well_post_here/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-figured-i-might-as-well-post-here.1322763 https://theredarchive.com/post/1322763

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