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[–]salvataz 27 points28 points29 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Take that fear and let it instead be your excitement. Like learning to love roller coasters or scary movies. I think what you are referring to is literally the thrill of sexual tension. Don't suppress or run away from it. Do that scary thing you're not sure about. Enjoy the following suspense in anticipation rather than insecurity. "I can't wait to see what she writes back" vs "oh shit I'm a dumbass, she's not saying anything, blaggghh".
You don't want to end up with a girlfriend that was easy because you weren't really that into her. The people you really want will always make you nervous just because you really like them.
[–]ayesee345 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Great advice, esp the vs. bit. I always tried to catch myself when thinking that way then try to make myself not give a fuck...even if it meant tossing the phone and just reciting out loud "I don't care. I don't care. IDGAF. You can laugh about this. It's funny, laugh. LAUGH. This is ALL entertainment for you anyway." and eventually my fun-idgaf approach/demeanor would return. Just don't send anything immediately after feeling that relieving switchback, I would sometimes overshoot and come off like I just snorted a line of coke or something lol. Find something else do to and just let it sit.
[–]ADP_God 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
When I try this I start physically shaking and talking too fast and stuttering. Any advice? I normally calm myself down and get rid of the energy instead of trying to channel it but I'd like to try your way if you can help me.
[–]salvataz 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Hey, sorry for the late response. I only check Reddit like once a week.
I totally understand and I'm actually kind of jealous. I would try these things.
1) Going with the roller coaster concept, when you're nervous you just make yourself get on the damn roller coaster, despite your shaking nervousness. And the next time you ride it gets better.
The idea here is to just really be vulnerable with yourself and the woman. Don't try to hide or mask it. Don't try to not feel it. Feel it. Accept it. And then do and say all the right things despite it. Women often find that vulnerability irresistible. Think about Michael Cera. They only get turned off when you let it take over. Real bravery is when you act despite your fear. And women know this. And it's a million times harder for them to do the same thing. It also tells them that you will move forward with them physically because you won't let your fear rule you. Super sexy. Plus you're complimenting them and making them feel sexy in the perfect way: non verbally.
One rule: don't say, "sorry, I'm nervous". Don't say anything about it. If she asks, just look her in the eye and say, "I've always wanted to be with a woman as attractive as you".
But you don't want to give yourself a heart attack, and you don't want to prematurely ejaculate. So if it's that bad, here are some other ideas.
2) Breathe. A minute or two of deep breathing will lower your heart rate and make you feel way more relaxed. Check out the Tim Ferriss interview with Wim Hof. Do that breathing technique every morning. But in the moment, take time to breathe deeply. For YOU. Feel good for you. Do it before your approach and when you're with her if you feel your heart rate going up.
Sometimes a single big exhale is all it takes to relieve the tension. I can't tell you how many times I've been with a woman I'm interested in, someone asks me a question I don't want to answer, and I'll just stare into space, take a deep breath, and let out one of those big horse lips-flapping exhales. Everyone can hear it, everyone's looking, and then I just say "no". It's funny, it puts the power back in my lap, and I feel better.
3) Another thing is to just think about what you see when someone talks to you. Maybe when you're watching a public speaker. Do you really care? No. Is there any reason they should really be nervous? No. Just think about that some time. If you understand this, it can really short circuit the entire thing and just let you be yourself.
I hope some of that helped.
[–]ADP_God 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
The second two points I get and I appreciate the way you've articulated them, but the first one I'm still not seeing fully. I'm thinking of the last time I was in a situation where I was having a serious conversation with a girl I found gorgeous, and my hands started shaking, my knee bumping and my voice wobbling. I feel like if I were to just go with it I'd probably throw up or start crying on the spot, and I feel like that's not the type of vulnerability you're talking about. My only other option would be to hold up my hand and show her the shaking and say "this is what pretty girls do to me," in a half joking way, but I feel like that's not quite what you mean either.
[–]salvataz 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm not sure how else to explain it tbh.
I've definitely been really nervous with girls in the past. But the worst knee shaking experience I ever had was actually talking with a male celebrity. I was like 12. But after that I really started thinking about it, and looking at celebrities as people, who they were right where they stood. I learned that the only real difference between them and I was that their profession has the side effect of everyone recognizing their face. They're just people, like anyone else. They're not better than me. And honestly they probably don't want to be. Idk, after I sat with it enough, something just clicked, I felt a load lift off my shoulders, and since then, the celebrities I've run into have had no effect on me. The one exception who has, actually, was very unknown at the time, but her product had a huge huge impact on my quality of life. I was totally shaking. But after that first time I was okay with her.
I think it's the same with women. They mean a lot to us, but they're just people. If you're an introvert, your mind is one of your greatest strengths. Use it. Do the internal work.
Here's what I'm working on that might help you out: internal dialogue. I never took it seriously until I read this article, and then started started noticing that voice in my own head: https://medium.com/@evanmagor/how-i-overcame-my-insecurities-in-dating-7f19ecc805c2#.n130fc5rv
It could just be you telling yourself some bs about how you're blowing it and being boring. If you can feel that part of yourself, then you can choose to say something different to yourself. Like, wow, this girl is really interested in me. Or, I'm thankful for this.
Another thought: maybe this is why some children go through a phase of pulling girls hair or pinching them or otherwise just annoying them. They know on some level that this person has some kind of power over them, and they want to put that power in check. Well, this can be done playfully and flirtatiously as an adult, too. I mean really that's what teasing is. Try pinching her, screw it. Go through the phase. Perhaps that nervousness is your physiological cue to pull back, take the slack out of the line, and turn the tension up. Tease her about something. Just walk away for a minute.
On the other had, you say this happens when you're having a serious conversation... Maybe breaking the tension would be a better way to look at it. A pinch would do it. A dumb joke. Anything funny. Maybe change the scenery or location. Ask yourself, "what do I want in this situation right now?"
[–]Captain__Backfire 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It matters very little what you actually say to her and more what your intentions behind those words are. This is why if you make a stupid joke to her she will likely laugh or be very reactive to it if she's into you.
This doesn't mean that she's not paying attention to the words you are saying, but it does mean that she will likely feel as nervous during the conversation as you and will be focusing more on what she's doing and not what you're doing, only really trying to figure out your intentions (i.e. if you like her back).
[–]ADP_God 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I went from no kissing to approximately 20 girls in two years and I still can't work this one out. In all my time I've only pulled one, at a stretch two (she was into me before I liked her) girls that I actually liked and tried for, rather than having them come to me. My only suggestion would be not to think about them any differently, although I know how hard that is, and to not worry about being super special or funny in the moment because the chances are that you will be without focusing on it. Good luck!
[–]Chizerz 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh come on something must have changed! Can you think what it might have been?
[–]Steezy-T6 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Well something definitely changed lol I hit her up to hang out today since I leave tomorrow and she didn't even answer. I'm thinking the best thing to do is just leave it and see if she hits me up at any point over break. There are other girls out there - abundance mentality
[–]Steezy-T 9 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Doing my best not to. Finals week just passed so every time I asked her to chill, there was something that came either studying, an exam, or work. Everything is over now and I leave campus tomorrow so I'm currently trying to decide if I should give asking her to hang out one more shot. Side note: I haven't spoken to her yet today and I'm also trying to show that I'm not some desperate fuck so I was just gonna take the day off from talking to her
[–]ADP_God 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes, say something like "I'm done packing and I've got nothing to do for a few hours, come hang out?"
[–]EnlightenedAddict 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You're not polarizing. I don't have the time to explain in detail, but basically, you need to push her boundaries just enough to find out if she's into you or not.
I'm getting very mixed signals. We hooked up last Saturday, but I haven't seen her since
This guy is basically saying you need to know if you're in or not, not wait in the centre to avoid rejection. If you've hooked up its a good sign you should just go for it.
[–]luuk0987 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
In my experience women are a lot more attracted to you when you don't show obvious signs of interested. Just think about what all the bad things about this girl are before talking to her to maybe sway your thoughts from being anxious to being yourself around girls you don't particularly like.
[–]famineofcrows 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
when I don't show obvious signs of interest, I am always friendzoned, or the girls just dissappear, and I then start regretting not being very upfront verbally (like that noobthoughts PUA guy) and just being like ''I think you're super hot! Lets go out on a date!'' kind of thing
[–]Steezy-T1 point 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I ended up texting her saying I was into her and asking how she felt about me. I think she thought I was asking for a relationship but I was actually just asking if she had any feelings towards me
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[–]salvataz 27 points28 points29 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]ayesee345 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ADP_God 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]salvataz 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]ADP_God 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]salvataz 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Captain__Backfire 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ADP_God 1 point2 points3 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Chizerz 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Steezy-T6 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]Steezy-T [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ADP_God 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]EnlightenedAddict 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Steezy-T [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ADP_God 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]luuk0987 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]famineofcrows 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Steezy-T1 point [recovered] | Copy Link