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[–]pureboy 55 points56 points57 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I have made this mistake many times right away when I meet a girl and it all have super failed.
[–]ajinomoto213 15 points16 points17 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Its hard to notice until its too late. Honestly I'm glad I finally realized it. I need to learn
[–]Winterlance7 5 points6 points7 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I am with you both on this one I think we all get caught in the trap of thinking... time to put my cards on the table and tell her how I feel only to find it would have been better to keep the mystery and challenge going. Live and learn. Remember you are the prize not the other way around.
[–][deleted] 22 points23 points24 points 8 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
Sad but true. A good rule of thumb is reciprocate as much or slightly less than the feelings she expresses to you. You don't want to be eternally cold, because that can ruin the relationship as well, but something in most girls' internal wiring simply gets turned off when they suspect a guy may like them more than they like him.
[–][deleted] 54 points55 points56 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Why the fuck do people have to play these stupid mind games with eachother.
[–][deleted] 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]Blargagralb 11 points12 points13 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Actually it’s how women feel out how safe a man is and how he’ll treat her. It’s her subtle way of making sure you’re the one she should commit to. It’s not feminism, it’s just female psychology. Women can’t be direct bc the world is literally more dangerous for them than for men. Women evolved physically weaker and less able to provide and this was nature’s way of solving that, and yeah it sucks in modern society
[–]SocialCupcake 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Good points.
they also want mystery, strength, allure and tension. The minute you become a sappy lovey poet you lose that facade. yes its a game, the same as the game for any species, hence male birds having the pretty feathers and doing a courtship dance to attract females.
TLDR: Learn to court a girl, not gush to her like shes your mom.
[–]ajinomoto213 5 points6 points7 points 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
This is exactly what she told me basically. She was sad because she felt that I liked her more then she liked me.
[–]theosamabahama 18 points19 points20 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Why can't people be happy with what they have ? God, humans are complicated.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I think it has to do with people needing to feel like they've acquired something valuable, and to human beings, "value" is a purely relative concept. So if the person you value seems to value you more, they are essentially implying that they are less valuable than you.
This dynamic has implications for most other facets of dating as well. What's particularly fucked up about it, from my experience, is that one has to master this primitive and backwards thinking in order to get to the truly fulfilling, "real" stuff.
[–]theosamabahama 7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Which is pretty counter-intuitive, because this turns game into a power contest where both parts are slowly walking away from each other maintain their value.
[–]UnclePutin 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The way I've heard it described is that the one who is less invested always holds the power. I suppose that's true, although the corollary would be that you have the most power when you don't allow yourself to be invested in anyone, and that seems to be self defeating.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yup, this is the key point and thing to avoid.
[–]bugxter 10 points11 points12 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Honestly, man, if she loses all her interest because you showed yours, that means you were just a game to her. It's exactly the same as when you lose interest in a girl because you already 'won' her over.
Why do we hold women to much more lower standards than us?
[–]not_the_irrelevant 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If i was in the place of OP, i would think "good riddance". Why wait when you like someone? It seems like i would never get this shit understood. I always start obsessing over a girl when i like her and after 2-3 weeks when i have stopped obsessing, i tell her i like her because i stop caring of the result and at that point even if she says no, i am glad that i at least tried. I dont want to wait 2-3 months and waste so much time to then get to know she "thought of me as a friend". I am clear in my head who i want as a friend and who i don't so it's better if i make my intentions clear. It's easier this way because then i can focus on improving myself.
[–]whatnololyea 19 points20 points21 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
What do you mean by "emotions"? I mean, if I'm having a happy, fun, vibe, I can't help but let it permeate through me for better or for worse (believe me, this makes me say a lot of stupid shit so it's not 100% good).
[–][deleted] 44 points45 points46 points 8 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Can't speak for OP, but I think he means expressing them verbally, his feelings for her. Absolutely nothing wrong with acting on your emotions, be they fun, affectionate, or otherwise. Women respond much more positively to non-verbal manifestations of feelings than verbal ones. In fact, it's often the factor that can take things to the next level.
Added: On the other hand, if you feel irresistibly compelled to express your feelings, there's also power in doing so with obvious hesitation. It's funny, but any time I've started to say something about how I feel, then pulled back, the girl gets obsessed with getting it out of me. The more I struggle with not wanting to say precisely how I feel, the more she wants to hear it. Then when I finally give a muted version of it, with visible discomfort, she becomes downright grateful that I "had the strength" to share my feelings.
So weird, the psychology of women's attraction.
[–][deleted] 11 points12 points13 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think it's just more to do with your intentions behind the emotions, Going on Mark Manson's writings. It can be a form of neediness to express your emotions early, but you should always express what your intentions are expressing yourself through vulnerability.
A couple of months ago I asked a girl out and she said "I don't do dates". We did hang out and that but I never plucked up the courage to talk to her about it and she was always with a group of people. So I just called her and told her I like spending time with her and I wanted to ask if she wanted to go out or just be friends. She chose the latter as she had very little time with uni and her hobby. I'm happy that I called her and I think she was happy too. Knowing where we stand was 1000x better than being in no-mans land. And now I feel I have the confidence to just approach who I want because I feel that if I can make myself vulnerable to one girl, I can do it to others.
TL'DR: I expressed my intentions and was vulnerable.
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Expressing intentions is different from expressing "feelings" (in the sense used here, meaning you are developing feelings for the girl). Making your intentions clear and finding out what hers are is essential for the reasons you said, and doesn't require you to seem needy about it. It can be done matter-of-factly, or it can be done through actions, or by subtle means, or some combination of all of those.
Expressing feelings to an excessive degree, on the other hand, isn't necessarily about intentions. It's about how much you value her, and tragic though it may be, women can't stand feeling like their man values them more than they value him.
[–]pautpy 6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
As CCW often says, "women are attracted to men whose feelings are unclear" and (paraphrased) "women fall in love much slower than men". All of this to say, you shouldn't spill the beans until you know she's head over heels in love with you, and even then, there's a right way to go about it which is not to break your frame and vomit your emotions on her lap.
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Absolutely true. And I think much of this has to do with women's evolutionary role as bearers of children. Out of self-protection, they have a much higher threshold for attachment than men. But once they get there, it is also much harder to shake than for men.
[–]pautpy 6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree. It's a combination of various factors, but it's well known that men can engage their emotions (attraction) instantaneously upon laying eyes on a physically attractive woman. Women can be attracted by physical features, but their emotions can only be engaged through seeing the man's character/confidence/frame, which obviously takes a lot of time, verbal+non verbal communication, and shit tests. At the bare minimum, the initial process of falling in love is different between the genders.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You write well while drunk
[–]SnapSocialGuru 11 points12 points13 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Showing feeling too quick is a display of flimsiness.
Holding feelings back is a display of control.
One earns respect, one does not. We've all learned the hard way.
[–]Nonobest 5 points6 points7 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
She might’ve realized the impression she had of you in her head is not the same as who you are. It’s nothing against you it just means you’re not compatible.
[–]ajinomoto213 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah this is actually what I was thinking.
[–]MrMouse92 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I made this mistake two weeks ago and it costed me what would have been an amazing relationship. But like you said time to be a better man and move on
[–]ajinomoto213 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Man. I can really relate. I could've had an amazing relationship with this girl. As hard as it is not to dwell on the memories I'm going to miss this one for a while. But I will get through it and strive and prosper.
[–]ChironiusShinpachi 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you could have had an amazing relationship with her, but she didn't feel the same way back but gave it a shot, would it have been a great relationship? What I mean is, had you been more reserved and it went further, it sounds like it could have went the same way just after more time invested. I just feel like there's a wrong thought in there. Like she was perfect but I messed up vs it was never going to work out...idk. Just my take.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I think this needs more background. Showing your emotions is completely fine, but it seems like maybe you came off as needy. Care to go deeper? I'm curious honestly.
[–]ajinomoto213 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I probably did come off as needy but she was clingy to me as well. I probably shouldn't have showered her with affection and just taken it slow. She was very attracted to me when we first met but now that I have been showing too much interest it caused her to lose feelings for me. She says "she still likes me but just lesser" but in all honesty I'm pretty sure she's saying that to spare my feelings. I still have alot to work on. On my self. I don't even post on this subreddit too much but I thought I'd make this post to raise awareness on anybody starting a new relationship. DO NOT MOVE TOO FAST
[–]BestSC86 6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
It is not showing affection...it is getting serious way, way too fast in my experience.
Honestly, most of this shit could be handled by at the start of any dating...JUST HAVE FREAKING FUN.
It is very, very unmanly to be the one obsessing over "what are we", "where is this going", "will you be my girlfriend"...the very best course of action is just to be flirty, fun and a joy to be around to where the girl thinks..."damn, I like being around xxxx" and to increase her attraction learn to do in a way which shows or suggests to her that you are like this with loads of other chicks.....then girls usually start worrying that if she doesn't escalate her investment you will be gone for one of your other options, since you are so damn fun to be around. It is like magic on girls.
And one of the great pieces of advice I have learned is the saying that "women fall in love with you when they are away from you" meaning that when they think about you when you are gone....which falls under the above she remembers how much fun she had with you and also her obsessing over which other girls you might be having "her fun" with when she isn't with you.
So how were you showing too much interest though, like specifically? Because that could mean anything from texting her too much to telling her personal problems/ranting to her about things your life all the time. To be honest, this may not be completely over either, so long as you back off and play it cool to a T while working on yourself.
[–]cyan1618 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]answermeanything 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Showing your intention and feelings toward a girl is okay. Here'sthe paradox Being vulnerable is what makes a man attractive.
the thing about what youve done is that you put her on pedestal, became needy and waited for her reaction. Usually when I express my feeling to a girl I give her time to digest. Just act normal as if nothing happened.
[–]PrinceOfDubai 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I have also made this tragic mistake recently as well. About 2 months ago.
[–]SamuelArk 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My man, keep grinding buddy.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
crap I am making this mistake right now. I've known them for 5 years, only started getting to know them a few months ago, only met twice in three months, Regularly talk via text, i think ive revealed too much already, we might meet next week ....Can I salvage this?
[–]DJDankist 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Get a new girl, abundance mentality should be used in this scenario.
[–]PileHigherDeeper 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The first rule of relationships is....
Love is always a secret.(Keep it a mystery.)
[–]mydogfartzwithz 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Always keep your intentions a secret. Be the mystery. If you want to take a girl out tell her to come out with you, take her somewhere. If you want to be a bitch boy and get denied then "ask" her out.
[–]ShinobiKrow 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Looking very emotional is never good for a guy. Makes you look weak. The best way to deal with a women you're still meeting is acting calm, cool and distant. Don't talk about what you feel about her, don't act like you miss her very much, don't freak out about random shit. It's pretty simple. Be cold.
[–]euphoric_misanthrope 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Did you want a monogamous relationship with her? Maybe she did not want that?
[–]daninthelionsden2010 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
well, thats fucked man. a healthy relationship requires authenticity on a real tangible level. a guy with real integrity and ambition and honesty and goodwill is incredibly attractive.
[–]ludodownnow 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What did you say to her?
I learned to remain the same person as I was when she crushed on me in the first place.
It's hard because you are happy that she likes you, and you like her because she likes you.
I learned because I got curved by a girl who was like a 5 in looks. Then I realized I only like her because she liked me and that was messed up of me.
[–]Sad_Sleeper 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Well you should overcome these stuff. First of all if you haven't fucked her, how are you getting feelings. Also maybe you have not been showing your true intentions. Did you escalate ? Did you kiss her?
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Speaking for myself, there have been many times I developed feelings for a woman before having sex with her. This requires a feeling of deep connection with her mind and sensuality that, while rare, can be even more powerful than the sex.
It's women who tend to develop feelings after having sex. There's even a proven biological basis for it, which I believe is somewhat unique to them.
Not really, lots of girls love a guy that is not hesitant to be romantic and free with his emotions. Its just when you get creepy and clingy and say wierd shit is when they want to get away from you.
[–]node202fighter -1 points0 points1 point 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fuck, this is me
[–][deleted] -4 points-3 points-2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It sounds like the problem was you didn't fuck her fast enough.
What specifically do you mean by showing emotions in this context? You mean you showed to much interest?
[–]pureboy 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Dude, WTF? He's talking about love and you are talking about Sex.
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[–]pureboy 55 points56 points57 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]ajinomoto213 15 points16 points17 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Winterlance7 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 22 points23 points24 points (10 children) | Copy Link
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[–]ajinomoto213 5 points6 points7 points (5 children) | Copy Link
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