Is this oneitis or something different?

Reddituser7890 · 2016-02-25T02:35:12+00:00

It sounds a lot like infatuation. It was new and exciting and you'd never met a girl like this before so in your mind you're thinking this could be the girl when in reality there are probably hundreds of girls you're compatible with and would feel the same way about. New relationships are exciting. They make you all giddy inside and filled with more happiness than you're used to. If you've been single awhile, maybe you just miss that feeling and she was the first one in a long time to give it to you.

alkaplanca · 2016-02-25T02:15:22+00:00

If she wants to be alone, give her that. Don't break your frame, you don't need her to breath.

I'm pulling guys in then pushing then away when it gets heavy

Let her do that. You don't need that in your life. I've been in a similar situation and I have learned the best thing to do is keep yourself busy and date. You will forget her in time, it seems impossible now but it will happen.

shitacct · 2016-02-25T02:50:40+00:00

My 2 cents:

It doesn't matter if it's oneitis or anything else. She demonstrates a pattern of broken behavior with men, you included. I don't think that a relationship will fix her broken behavior.

Perhaps it's one of the same things that attracts you to be a Doctor and this girl - you want to fix broken stuff?

Lichewitz · 2016-02-25T03:39:48+00:00

Don't overthink this. You found a girl that meant way more to you than just a one night stand, because of all the stuff you had in common, and that's okay. Of course she will take a little bit of time to get over, but you will get through it. Like alkaplanca said, keep yourself busy and date other people.

Authentic_Ink · 2016-02-25T04:57:18+00:00

Hey man it sounds like you're having a pretty rough time right now. Don't worry about it, it's going to be difficult but you will get over her. It seems like you are infatuated with her because you are stuck replaying the start of you interaction with her over-and-over again in your head. That was when everything was going well and it seemed like you both were going in the right direction. My friends and I call this "Porn Theory" which is when you don't go as far as you would like with someone or never make a move but still think that you two would have been perfect together. Regardless of how good it looks or how sexy it may feel in your head, at the end of the day its just not real, possible, or healthy. Sorry about that.

The good news is that you can move on, though it may take some time. For her, it's her issue, so just leave it at that and try not to interact with her because you know where it will lead. Even if she says she's gotten better or cleared things up it's probably not the wisest decision, because she would be coming back to you since you already said to come talk to you when she figured it out. Chances are you are the only guy who told her this, and she may be looking for a quick fix (she might try to draw you in with snapchat, etc. again).

Just draw a line between you and her and move forward looking for someone healthier. If you are looking for a relationship find someone who knows what they want and defines it. If things were perfect with her you wouldn't be in this situation.

TheMinistryOfAwesome · 2016-02-25T08:33:45+00:00

one doesn't even need to read the whole post. (though i did)

It's oneitis .

But to a little more helpful - I honestly recommend hooking up with another couple of girls. Even if they don't have the same fire for this chick as long as they're cute and you think they're attractive.

It's easy to say "you have oneitis" but it's not a rational thing, and it's quite difficult to rationalise an irrational feeling that is intense. Time will make it better, and that is totally catalysed when you're fucking other girls.

Big_TX · 2016-02-25T06:36:57+00:00

I'm less experienced that you but here is my theory:

You left it open. You think you probably will get with her again in the future. (And probably will). That Keeps you emotionally attached.

I had a relationship that got messed up by distance. And it dragged me down. At one point I reliesd I was done investing in it. If somehow our paths cross cool, but I'm probably never going to see her again. The moment I made that determination in my mind I felt this huge weight lifted off me and I felt so much better and lighter.

I had another where she moved then ended it. And I 100% knew I could get her back, or make punish her, or tell her off. I had no idea what I even wanted to do. And was in a very low place. (I know that's not mature at all). It dragged me down for a long time. After several months I got pretty much over her but there was till a small part of me attached. One night I looked on facebook to try and add someone who's number I had. And then I saw her, meaning she Unfriended me. I then had the relization it real was over and I felt very sad that our story really did come to an end and that she was compleatly out of my life. Then I let the sadness go and went to sleep. The next day I woke up and felt even better. And totally had moved on. Then she texted me latter that day... Funny how that works.... Then she wanted to hang and I did and was now inferent. Which made her fall in love... Funny how that works...

StevieBoyB · 2016-02-25T13:14:49+00:00

Oneitis.

Bigjohnthug · 2016-02-25T03:46:21+00:00

Sometimes I love doing these, sometimes I hate them.

I'm 25, in medical school and fairly attractive. I don't have issues getting girls, but I wouldn't say I'm a Don Juan either. I've had about 12-15 one night stands, and 2 long term relationships, so lack of experience is not the issue here (just to set the frame).

You're inexperienced. This whole post is a normal thing which occurs every 20 or so girls, but you're inexperienced so you've only had it once.

I met this girl in school back in October. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous, in fact, I've been with girls that were more attractive, but something drew me to this girl physically.

Your type.

I ran into her one night at a bar, and I started hitting on her. Before I knew it, I had a date solidified for the following week. I was ecstatic, because everything went according to the plan.

Her type. It usually works both ways.

We go on the date, and we have everything in common. Music, movies, interests, travel experiences, sense of humor, wits, you name it; we connected on that level. I was blown away by what I landed on, and I felt more of a connection with this girl than any in the past (even the one's "I said I love you" to).

Fast forward, we go on like 5 more dates, and it gets better with each time, and it's reciprocal as far as I can tell. At this point, we've had sex about 3 times, and she insisted we take it slow since we go to school together (relatively small class since it's professional school). I agreed (genuinely).

The relationship talk is beta-bait. It sounds like you responded with "yes we should take it slow" ie this is a relationship and I'm yours now, but willing to do this on your pace because leading is scary. What you should have said and felt is more akin to "I just consider us friends for now... if we date we date, but I want it to happen naturally, I don't want it to be forced." This is a few weeks in remember.

The following week, we go home for winter break, and we talked intermittently while apart. The night before we get back to school, she tells me that being home made her realize that she's not over her ex (first time hearing about this, no obvious signs either), and she wanted to go back to being friends at school without it being weird. I was disappointed, but for some reason not crushed (not yet at least). I told her I was too interested in her romantically to be friends, but we could be amicable. She protested, but understood.

So she throws that frame up. You got real lucky here, then you beta'd out even harder and fucked that too. SHE GAVE YOU THE PERFECT FRAME. The friends that fuck frame is THE BEST frame for no-strings sex AND for blossoming relationships. There is no pressure, just genuine interest and if wanted, genuine escalation of the relations.

Over the next few days, it hit me fucking HARD. I had it in the palm of my hands, I had a taste, and then it disappeared faster than it even started. We went a month without talking, but then she started sending me snapchats, random texts, etc.

She wants to fuck.

So at this point I start to think she's over her ex and it's time to move back in. I hit her up one weekend to see if she's going to some class social event, and she says yes. I tell her I'll see her there (trying to gauge it at this point). We get there and she's talking to this other dude. Her friend tells me that she was sort of hooking up with this guy, but she's emotionaly distraught and ending it soon (see a pattern here?).

Yeah. She tests dudes hard and dudes fail harder.

As I got fucking hammered that night, I found myself texting her in my drunken stupor, telling her she's weak for giving me some bullshit excuse especially when we have to see eachother all the time, and subsequently getting involved with another classmate. She drunkenly assured me that it was nothing and that we would talk in person, sober.

You bitched at her and she remained calm and reasonable, then reframed... wait are you the girl or the guy in this situation?

The next day she tells me she wants to talk after class. I agree, she comes over that night, and basically tells me that she knows what she did was wrong, but that she's trying to be alone, etc, and that she realized she's pulling these guys in and then pushing them away as soon as it gets a little heavy. I told her my stance remains the same, and that she should try to get better emotionally instead of continuing this bullshit. Before she leaves, she says that she thought I would have plenty more to say, and I responded that I'm not going to get on my knees and beg, and to let me know if she ever changes her mind. We haven't spoken since.

Don't even have any feedback for this part. Shouldn't have happened. If a girl EVER says we need to talk you either a) ignore that and have fun with her, like nothing happened (right for this situation) or b) use it as an opportunity to air your boundaries (right in the context of a relationship and only then rarely). You started to do b but then bailed and did c) act like my butts sore and cry.

It's been weeks since that talk. I can't stop thinking about her. I've really given it my all to go out and talk to other girls. I've talked to girls that were more attractive, and to my dismay, I can't seem to be interested.

Thinking and obsessing over one girl ie oneitis.

I know that this whole thing was VERY short-lived, and is disproportionate to how invested I am. I want to move on, I want to regain interest in other girls. I want to find someone better. Except, I just....can't. I know everyone is different when it comes to this type of stuff in terms of timeline, but I feel like this has been dragging on for far too long.

What happened here is you had 0 other sexual options (you've had sex with <20 girls and gathering from this had zero fuck buddies at this time) and found your first ever niche girl. These girls are uncommon however not non-existant, but given your lack of experience you instantly think she is the one because how many other thousands of girls have just as much in common with you, are biologically compatible with you and attractive? Probably only several thousand thousands, which is like, not that much...

kennyle66 · 2016-02-25T17:25:27+00:00

I am also in a similar situation. Would like advice too.

nowheretoday · 2016-02-25T08:39:32+00:00

I'm probably the last guy that should be giving advice in this sub but here it goes:

Do what you want to do. which is, being with her, it if takes begging, chasing her and all those things that for some egotistical or social status reason you don't want to do so be it. You like her, do what you gotta do, if she likes you, she'll follow, if not, what is not needed will fall away. By resisting or trying to overcome what you really want to do, which is chasing her, it just creates more of that and it will not go away until you realize that chasing her is not what you want at all, but it takes living it to learn. Be honest to your feeling and desires even if they are not "the right thing to do", like I said, that which is not needed falls away.

Title	Is this oneitis or something different?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	38
Comments	23
Date	February 25, 2016 1:51 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/47gka3/is_this_oneitis_or_something_different/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/is-this-oneitis-or-something-different.1403067 https://theredarchive.com/post/1403067

Comments