Need help solving approach anxiety

2010-05-01T23:31:36+00:00

There is no silver bullet.

(I know this isn't the most useful thing posted here, but it's important to remember this so you can start chipping away at it rather than running around searching for the holy grail)

Sublomino · 2010-05-01T22:59:46+00:00

That's true, it is more about how you say it. There can be a number of reasons why you find it difficult to approach.

The first thing to me is that your approach should not be about impressing her. I know it's a temptation to think that your approach has to be so smooth and perfect as to instantly sweep her off her feet. If you're trying to impress, then you're already getting off on the wrong foot. Your approach should focus more on expressing. If you're nervous, don't try to hide away your nervousness, because it will just seep out as little ticks and stutters, etc. Allow your nervousness to be there, and you can even admit that you feel a little nervous. It's human to feel nervous about talking to someone - if you're not nervous it can make you seem less real, less trustworthy, more creepy. So a little bit of nervousness is OK. Expressing -- if you think she's cute and you wanted to talk to talk to her, just say that. Alot of PUAs will say that in a sincere and honest way, but follow it by saying "and I just wanted to find out if you're the kind of person I'd like to get to know better." Isn't that true anyways? You don't just want her for her looks, because that would just be about trying to impress your friends with what a hot girl you've got. Instead, you're looking for someone who meets the values of what you're really really looking for in a woman.

Other than that, there could be issues with limiting beliefs, or asking yourself limiting questions like "why do I always screw it up?". Instead ask: "what are all the reasons why I know I can(insert goal here)?" for example "meet a great woman" or "have a girlfriend", etc.

The other consideration is your state. You said you feel clueless and helpless. First of all, it's OK to feel clueless and helpless sometimes. Let yourself have that, for a moment. Ask yourself "if there was a version of me who CAN approach women, what does he look like, physically? What thoughts does he have? What are his beliefs? What states does he have? Who is he as a person?" And imagine stepping into him so that you can feel what it feels like to be him. You have that inside of you.

barcelonatimes · 2010-05-03T03:56:10+00:00

I know this sounds dumb but...just do it. I have a friend who you would think never gets laid. in shape but not overly attractive. He will point blank ask girls for dates, phone numbers, etc. I used to feel uncomfortable about it, but I finally realized that in some form, no matter how creeped out she is, she's flattered.
Once that step has been crossed you just must remember girls are dumb and if they don't jump on the wagon at that point just keep it up until you wear them down....doesn't sound like it would work, but it truly does and I guarantee you I've gotten more women through persistence than charm.
One last note. My highschool sweetheart was the girl of my dreams, we would confess our "like" to one another regularly, but I was always too afraid to pull the trigger fearing rejection. Today she's married and not a day goes by I don't think about her. If I would've been rejected by her in highschool I would feel alot better now than just thinking about the what ifs (she was probably just a dumb bitch anyways...right?)

rmbarnes · 2010-05-03T01:33:42+00:00

Use canned openers.

Some people dislike these because they are 'fake', but it doesn't really matter; you're only trying to break the ice, no harm in using a line which you know has a 80%+ success rate for this.

Google 'canned openers' to try some. Just make sure that the line fits your personality. For example, don't use something really wacky if you're a really straight laced guy.

Having a good memorised canned opener will take away a lot of the anxiety you get when approaching, as much of this stems from not having anything to say. You can also focus on how well you deliver the line, as you don't have to focus so much on what you're saying.

A good opener will get the set talking, and then if your a good conversationalist like you say you are, you can take it from there.

People say, "What you open with doesn't matter". This is true insofar as how you open is much more important than what you open with, but not all openers are created equal. Some openers bomb far more often than others.

When you read certain canned openers, you could well think, "OMG, they'll just stare at me blankly if I say that!". Thing is, women are very different to men. Many of the canned openers seem really stupid to men, but when women hear them they react really well.

When it comes to overcoming approach anxiety, you just have to make lots of approaches. The feeling of anxiety will probably never go away, you just learn to ignore the bad feelings.

Here's an example opener I've been using recently, which seems to get a good reaction:

"Hi guys. Can I just quickly get a female opinion on something? It's something me and my guy friends were talking about earlier. My friend Chris has been seeing a girl for about 2 - 3 months. Last night she went out for a girlie night out. This morning she's telling him about it, 'We went here, then there, yadda yadda yadda, then I got off with a guy on the dancefloor...'. She was just really matter of fact about it, and said she didn't consider it cheating. My guy friends have all said it's a dumpable offence. So what do you think, is kissing cheating?"

roxxe · 2010-05-02T00:26:10+00:00

just shutdown that inner voice and go for it

GreatBarrierReefer · 2010-05-02T02:49:08+00:00

AFC: "What should I say? What opener should I use? What should be on my mind when I approach a woman?"

Tyler Durden: "Nothing."

Trust yourself, and your brains' evolutionary drive to put yourself in situations where reproduction is possible. If you are confident in trusting yourself, the right thing to say will come out naturally. Just like how when you are having a comfortable conversation with an old friend, you are rarely "thinking" about the next thing to say - it just happens.

m0nk3yb0y · 2010-05-02T02:52:52+00:00

I have no idea what your background is. If you aren't familiar with open openers vs. direct openers then google around for them. There are probably more than a few youtube videos showing various approach ideas in action. There some good stuff on TPB too. If you want specific links comment here and I'll hunt them down.

Title	Need help solving approach anxiety
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	18
Date	May 1, 2010 4:20 PM UTC (16 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/byrhg/need_help_solving_approach_anxiety/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/need-help-solving-approach-anxiety.1310265 https://theredarchive.com/post/1310265

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