Ho to get over direct/indirect rejection?

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-02-19T18:39:40+00:00

OLD is a cesspool, and you are clearly very vulnerable and insecure right now which makes you especially open for manipulation, gaslighting, and general toxicity. Your self esteem needs to come from within, and you shouldn’t be dating until you can work on that, whether it’s through therapy or taking steps in your life toward becoming a HVW. When you begin to become confident and self assured, rejection doesn’t phase you because you start to realize these men were time wasters to begin with.

I would stop OLD, stop picking up men at bars and other places where “hookup” culture is the norm. You should work on yourself and focus on building a support group, and when you’re at a better place in your life you can start to out yourself out there again.

Summerisle7 · 2021-02-19T18:57:21+00:00

Girl, I see you've been on FDS but I recommend reading the handbook if you haven't yet because it seems you don't follow FDS principles at all. I'll start from the end with "What do I do in these situations that are just blatantly disrespectful". The first step is: STOP PUT YOURSELF IN THESE SITUATIONS. First off, do not, and I mean DO NOT, ask men out!! That's right there is setting yourself up for disappointment, failure or/and getting used. Men do not appreciate anything or anyone they don't work hard for. If he isn't approaching, it's because HE DOESN'T WANT TO (or doesn't want it enough). You throwing yourself at him devalues you in his eyes. However, because he is a man, he will have no problem sleeping with you and throw you out the next day (eg your coworker). The result: you feeling used, your self esteem is down, he is acting distant at work and probably brags to others how he banged "that cute coworker of his" (you) . Was it worth it? Second off, FDS overall recommends against OLD but it's up to you if you still want to use it. The problem is - it's even harder to detect men who are really truly interested in you, so your vetting needs to be even harsher. Do you know that most men on OLD swipe right on EVERYBODY, and I mean it literally! A lot of men confessed this to me as they have a hard time getting matches, so they try everybody to see if someone will be an easy fuck. Luckily, you already identified some negative pointers: "long times no response, no follow up, too sexual too soon, awkward look sideways, lazy superficial convo, face buried in menu/phone/talking to someone else in front of me, lukewarm, etc.". This is good. You getting the right drift! Stick with it. Don't message guys on OLD. If you are having a good easy conversation with no red flags, proceed to FaceTime. What's with: "they got annoyed that I asked them to pay for dinner". Do not ask them to pay. Sit there, hands down when a bill arrives and sip your wine/lemonade. If HE himself musters the audacity to tell you to pick up your half, pay and leave. Block and delete right after. Overall, just read read read the handbook. Do not chase men, never ever ever, no approaching, asking for numbers, asking to hang out! It's a huge no-no. Seems you've been putting a lot of effort into trying to find someone. Don't. My bf found me after I stopped even trying

Villanelloh · 2021-02-19T18:55:43+00:00

You need to stop seeking validation from lowlife men and start taking care of yourself. Start doing things for YOU.

Read the handbook to learn how to vet men. You will soon start noticing red flags and cutting toxic people out of your life.

dollymyfolly · 2021-02-19T20:18:18+00:00

Don’t ask men out! 😣

wildprincessxxx · 2021-02-19T18:52:13+00:00

Caveat: I'm new here, just trying to learn as well! :)

I've come out of a long relationship with an LVM and wanted to jump into dating, my self-esteem was on the floor but I wanted to seriously date someone...

I don't know how to respond to being denied in a healthy way because my recent disappointments started to affect my self-esteem at this point.

What I've learned from FDS is that you also need to be a HVF to attract a HVM and for him to see you as commitment or relationship material. And that means building yourself up and working on your self-confidence in the meantime, instead of looking for someone to date. Know that if you are at the top of your game, the right people will come along. A HVF knows her worth and should definitely not be disappointed if LVM cannot see her value and fail to treat her well.

Your experiences with OLD are terrible and on the balance I don't feel that this is your fault - you withheld the sexual talk, screened them over video calls, projected serious intentions and made them initiate. All FDS-approved behaviours I believe! But doing all of this with the intention of pursuing the man will only lead to your disappointment if he rejects you. Rather, you should do these things because it will help you weed out LVM and find HVM who are willing to put in the effort and are chivalrous enough to deserve you for the HVF you are.

Then I said to myself that I don't want anything serious and ended up asking a coworker out, drinking with him and hooking up with him. The next day I realized he cut all contact with me to a minimum, after a question if we're still friends he said "sure" but never initiated anything but late-night texts that nI di't bother to respond. The sucky part is I realized that I LIKE like him.

HVM want to impress and want to wait for a HVF. That's why FDS cautions against having sex too early on in the relationship because if he's a LVM and only wants you for the sex and doesn't actually value you, then he has no reason to continue pursuing you. You also lose the opportunity to vet your men for compatibility and commitment! And he is definitely not worth your feelings if he cuts contact with you after hooking up. If he disrespects you once he will do so again, and trying to get his attention may only lead to you being in this on/off situation where he hits you up for sex but doesn't give you the relationship you want. Why? Because you've allowed this disrespectful behaviour once, you've shown him that he can put in 0 effort and still get you wanting him back.

Also have lukewarm guys coming back (they're not asking for dates) and it's hard not to slip into my old ways. Is it time to use block button? Some of them I still like and I'm scared to loose my value again.

You have followed a lot of FDS advice well but I think the next step is treating yourself like a HVF internally :) Realise when a man is treating you badly and cut him off. Don't have rejection anxiety because you're better off "when the trash takes itself out". And don't give them what they want straight off the bat to get them to like you, because a HVF should not need to pursue if she is confident in her value and confident that others worth her time will recognise it.

What do I do in these situations that are just blatantly disrespectful or what do I do in those that are more subtle ghosting? How to get over the rejection anxiety? Should I try something else other than OLD?

We're in difficult times so OLD does seem hard to avoid... I would say there is NOTHING WRONG with ghosting somebody who treats you badly on a date, who doesn't seem to want to spend time getting to know you and investing in you. But how you do it depends maybe on factors like how long you have been talking for, how many dates you have been on. If you know him a little better you should be more direct, along the lines of "it's not working for me" instead of just disappearing.

Good luck, OP.

Title	Ho to get over direct/indirect rejection?
Author	Previous-Focus-2013
Upvotes	13
Comments	12
Date	February 19, 2021 5:49 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/lnly6s/ho_to_get_over_directindirect_rejection/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/ho-to-get-over-directindirect-rejection.792574 https://theredarchive.com/post/792574

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