Help

MoxOmega · 2023-11-02T02:24:30+00:00

It’s probably how he’s comfortable in saying it, honestly it would suck to keep saying “my mom and stepdad,” then having to explain the divorce, it’s just easier for the child to say “my parents.” When I was married to my ex, she had 2 boys from her previous marriage, and I always encouraged them to visit the dad on visitations (he only had 2 1/2 days a month, which was usually Friday night and returning them Sunday afternoon), call him when they did something good in school, but I always did try to get them to have constant communication with their dad, I even tried talking my wife (now ex) into letting him keep them for a few extra days when it was his time, but she refused to budge, she was a horrible parent, she used the boys to punish their father.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-11-01T19:19:08+00:00

That’s terrible

I’m sorry

Maybe you and your son should schedule a session with a family counselor

He should know this is hurting you (esp if the divorce was not your idea)

Dlarie · 2023-11-02T18:10:59+00:00

Man, that shit hurts. Because you feel like you might be replaced in your kid’s life and heart. Ugh. That’s the worst. And if your ex is vindictive, she might even be relishing making it seem that way.
Hang on to there truths here.

1) You are his father. You cannot ever be replaced. Why do adopted kids who never meet their bio parents often long to know them? Because you are connected to your son permanently and forever in a way NOBODY can take away. And it’s not just genetic/biology in your case. You have a relationship with your son based on quality time together And showing up for him. Stand in confidence in that immutable truth. You are his father. Forever and always no matter any words or actions or anybody else in his life. Some day your son might have a father in law. This experience is good practice for feelings you might have about that future father figure who can never replace you, but will (hopefully) add to your son’s life.

2) It’s good for your son to have a solid relationship with his step dad, even if it hurts to hear about it. The more caring adults he has invested in his life, and his willingness to take direction from them, the better. It shows your son is doing well. Sometimes I try to think of the step parent like a coach or teacher at school—I want my kid to get along with their coaches/teachers. I want those adults who spend all day long with my kid to invest in them and care. I want my kid to take direction from them, because it means they will learn more from them and do better in life.

Imagine if he was rebelling and refusing to listen to his step parent, running away from home? Sure, it might momentarily feel good on that ego level, like HA! my kid sees through that bastard who can’t replace me!!! And trust me, I know the appeal of that!! But it would be a much harder road, and more dangerous road for your son to be in that headspace.

3) The pain about step parents for me is about the loss I grieve for the “together family”, the loss I feel myself and for my kids that comes with not giving them or myself that “ideal” family life that broke when we divorced. It’s okay to grieve that...even years later. and it helps me to know where it comes from, so I can put it in its proper perspective.

Keep playing the long game, man. Let the ex and the step dad have this win, because it’s a win for your son. But also know it’s in NO way a replacement of you. It’s actually a positive reflection of you as a father that you’ve not said or done anything to your kid to sabotage his relationship with his step dad. It shows what a good dad you are that his needs come first.

Reflog1791 · 2023-11-01T19:54:58+00:00

Put yourself in his shoes. The idea is don’t take it as a personal affront. It’s not personal it’s just what he wants to call them for whatever reason.

From his shoes it would suck to say “my mom and stepdad” or “my mom and Brian”. He probably doesn’t want to relive the broken family routine every time he describes the people he lives with.

So yeah while your feelings are hurt it’s just not personal. He’s still calling you dad, you’re his dad. This is one I would let go.

My buddy’s mom and stepdad got divorced. Dude was around for twenty years and was pretty good imo. Once they divorced, the former stepdad fell off the face of the earth. Maybe my friend could be more kind idk. But he has a real dad and that’s a way better spot to be than stepdad, even if referred to as “parent”.

OpeScuseMe74 · 2023-11-02T11:09:12+00:00

My ex married a foreigner who later immigrated here to the US. While he was still overseas awaiting his paperwork to move here with his new American wife, one of my boys did a country report in elementary school about his country. Their mom, of course, helped write it. Every mention of their stepfather was only as "dad". It was written as if I was the dude from another country. I was pissed, not at my son, obviously. I explained to him that in the future, when writing or talking with anyone outside the home, it is very important that the difference is stated clearly.

Before we were divorced, to be ornery, yet playful, or so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, she would sometimes get the boys to call for me by my name and not by Dad or Daddy. The boys thought it was a funny game. They were little and didn't know any better. My absolute favorite thing in this world is to be Dad to these guys. I asked her to stop every time but she just told me they were being silly and that it was just a bit of fun.

Once stepdad arrived stateside, she wanted the boys to call him Daddy because he didn't want to be called by his name by them. Sometimes, to differentiate between him and me, she would use the first initial of our names. My name starts with B and his with A. So it was Daddy A and Daddy B, in which I felt demoted.

I told the boys specifically that they should only call him Dad or Daddy or some other thing if THEY wanted to. They don't have to call him what she wants them to. I am their father. "DAD is my name to you. I earned that title. I deserve that name."

Make it clear in age appropriate terms how it makes you feel. Remind your child how much you love them and that being their father is one of the most important things in your life. Being the parent and being called Dad is very important and also a show of love and respect. You have the right to that title. Fight for it.

techrmd3 · 2023-11-03T00:35:55+00:00

eh let him say what he wants... remember teenagers rebel.... who do you think he will be the rebel to?

NothingIsEverEnough · 2023-11-04T01:39:10+00:00

Unpopular opinion here, but I would celebrate if my kids said they had two mothers or two fathers..:that’s success

I have sole custody. Mother is a litigating nutcase. How I wish that she lived in harmony with another dude that the kids loved.

Title	Help
Author	Foreign_Topic_9938
Upvotes	14
Comments	13
Date	November 1, 2023 6:07 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17liakr/help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/help.1237033 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237033

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