Feeling sorry for ex

dadplup · 2024-01-01T21:03:31+00:00

I was married for nearly 19 years, she had 2 boys and together we had one daughter, I saw lots of abuse in her past from her exes and specially from her family, I thought by taking her away from them she would change and feel better, then over the years I realized that she was using it as an act to justify the things she did, I tried getting her help, but refused to go when they diagnosed her as a narcissist. Her life after the divorce has become a nightmare for her, last year she became alienated from all her family, the kids and homeless, only difference is that this time I wasn't there to take the blame for it,I used to take it her family didn't like me because I wouldn't let them take advantage of her or me, I feel sorry for her I do, but not enough to take her back, we get time I think about reaching out I remember the things she did to us and how many years I wasted talking this abuse from her.

I have forgiven her, I will not forget it though

Gattsama · 2024-01-01T16:13:03+00:00

Sorry you are going through the drama. Your feelings are very common and normal. They are in fact a sign that you are a healthy person (ie you worry about other people). While the feelings are normal, what is important is the actions you choose to take based on those feelings. And that action needs to be = nothing / grey rock.

In my case together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. I worked, she didn't. She also had a horrible childhood with lots of abuse. I worked my ass off to provide us a great life and lifestyle. I'll skip the details, but I ultimately filed. And when I did I would get hit with these waves of guilt: is she going to be ok, who's going to take care of her, who's going to look out for her, this is going to be a huge change in her life/lifestyle, what about the pets, etc.

However! I choose to grey rock and have zero contact. Because while my feelings were real, the logically part of my brain also knew not to listen to them. Nothing good comes from trying to maintain entanglements or supporting her. You have kids, so you have to maintain that entanglement, but aim for nothing more than what's necessary to co-parent effectively.

Allowing her access to your resources: time, money, help, support, etc. is setting a bad precedent; it's just prolonging the coming pain for both of you. If you want to play nice until the divorce is over maybe; but long term you want to create a NEW and SEPARATE life.

FUMoney · 2024-01-01T14:59:22+00:00

I see nothing wrong with your perspective. This is your soon-to-be former wife with whom you’ve spent seven years. It’s a good chunk of a human life. Of course you care.

It also is appropriate to conclude that, while you may care for one another, one or both of you has also concluded marriage is no longer what you want. So long as the split is amicable and fair, sounds as though you both are doing the best you can in a marriage wind down.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2024-01-01T13:17:27+00:00

Why on earth would you let her use your card still lol thankfully she isn't a monster cancel those immediately, my friends ex had a card with his name on it and went on 20k shopping spree on her way out the door

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-01-01T12:34:52+00:00

Trauma bonds are powerful and often lead people to stay in a toxic situation far longer than they reasonably should.

It’s ok to have empathy for your ex, that just means you’re human. Mine did everything in her power to destroy me after her affair and divorce was filed. I do feel sorry for her - she’s chasing happiness im not sure is possible for her. I feel sad for my children who had their family ripped apart. With that said I have accepted the cards in life that have been dealt and am laser focused on making the best of it.

Good luck brother.

Title	Feeling sorry for ex
Author	Grand_Alps9214
Upvotes	12
Comments	7
Date	January 1, 2024 9:04 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18vsyra/feeling_sorry_for_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/feeling-sorry-for-ex.1242019 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242019

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