Trying to make it work

NoLawfulness8554 · 2024-05-23T19:23:28+00:00

You've voiced your concerns. She understood them. And is doing nothing. She won't change because you want her to, but only when she sees it in her own best interest. Talk to your attorney, and let go with love. Move on - you have done what you can, and the rest is her choice.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-23T08:20:10+00:00

If she's no longer taking any action to become well, then you'll be with her until the day you die. Have you considered leaving?

Misled-Heat · 2024-05-22T11:15:42+00:00

I just told my wife of 31 years I am done. Similar, she needs help. As much as I have tried to get her to see a therapist she always said she was fine. My thera9told me the same as another post, I can't go to therapy for both of us and she needs to be accountable for her mental well-being.

She did go a few years ago for 2 sessions and stopped as she didn't need it.

We have tried couples therapy as well, nothing changed and everyone was picking on her, she said.

After I told her I wanted a divorce guess who wants therapy now. Unfortunately too little too late. I'm so far done with trying and don't believe it will help at this point.

So I feel for you. You are not weak. I struggled with that too. It is just time to let go was where I got to.

Hope all turns out well.

Gattsama · 2024-05-22T10:27:22+00:00

In my case, together for 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, she has abuse issues from childhood, was my first love, and I was a virgin when we meant. The last 2+ years were dead bed, but I didn't care because the emotional intimacy was lacking. I started off with self-esteem issues (regarding women) and was simping hard.

As I slowly woke up and saw how dysfunctional and even toxic we were and how she needed help; I went through a lot of different emotions.

One of the biggest was I took a vow to stay with her in good times and bad, sickness and health, until death due us part. And neither of us was dead. I felt guilt and responsibility. It didn't matter that she was emotionally abusive or we lacked intimacy (or functional communication) it was my duty and my role to stay, and just work through it. Divorce was a failure, and I don't quit.

It took me years to accept that was a stupid thought process. She wasn't workable, and I can not control her. Staying was harmful to my emotional and mental health. I had to step way back and ask myself:

why did I choose this person
why did I choose to stay
why do I make choices against my own best self-interest

I came to accept that we were not healthy together, not workable, not safe, and our best lives did not include being in a relationship together. I accept my role in the relationship (I was simping hard, turned into a caretaker and did not set strong boundaries) but ultimately I filed.

My life is exponentially better post divorce. I owe a ton of spousal support, but I can always make more money. I can not make more time, and the peace on the other side is indescribable.

I don't know your circumstances or life. This "I'm not happy so I left" stuff is BS. But if shes not workable, there is no intimacy, no communication, no likely future where she chooses to change, you are not safe, and things are unhealthy; there is no failure in leaving.

Failure would be choosing to stay and deliberately harm yourself. If someone is an alcoholic, quitting drinking isn't a failure. It's an admission that their current lifestyle is fundamentally broken and needs changez they need to remove alcohol from their life.

And while it sucks to accept this, sometimes the same holds true for people...

rhett342 · 2024-05-22T07:07:00+00:00

My manhood says I need to stick with her till she gets healthy.

Her mental health is not your concern. You can't change her or anything about her no matter how hard you try. The only thing you can control is how you deal with all that.

Title	Trying to make it work
Author	Ok_Cat5539
Upvotes	8
Comments	6
Date	May 22, 2024 6:10 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cxtdm4/trying_to_make_it_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/trying-to-make-it-work.1519183 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519183

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