Setting Boundaries while Gray Rocking

trampledrosetrampled · 2021-09-01T15:23:30+00:00

I'm very interested in the conversation this will hopefully generate.

I'm in the exact same situation, even this morning, where I have raised a boundary and my ex ignored it, only to have my children get mad at me for not breaking it. The situation never changes but now I'm the bad guy for some reason. An example being when she brought her parents to my house to see the kids, on my time, 2 years after the divorce for her cheating, hoping to catch me in an altercation. Fabricated conflict to harm me, my custodial time and my children.

The plan going forward is to grey rock, always keep the boundaries and now I've hit up family reconciliation services two try and meditate an understanding that she's harming my children. This will likely fail but then at least when I take it to my lawyer and to a judge, I can say I tried everything.

CarlsJrPaysMe · 2021-09-01T17:54:18+00:00

This is my opinion only, so take it for what it's worth.

Grey rock does not mean letting go of boundaries. It just means you enforce them without emotion. Instead of giving her an earful, you state your boundary clearly and assertively. If your ex is anything like mine, she can't be reasoned with, so any explanation is wasted energy.

I state my boundaries for 2 reasons - first, to have it documented via email or text and second, to make sure she knows what is expected of her. It is not to try to convince her of anything or make her see she is wrong.

This usually requires a few drafts because the first one or two are filled with emotional words.

An example:

"Do not change the schedule anymore through our daughter. If you want to change the schedule, contact me directly via email or text. The way you handled this was unacceptable."

Any pushback and I send:

"The process is you and I communicate schedule changes via email or text. I expect you to follow the process."

My first draft or two looks something like:

"WTF is wrong with you? Be an adult and communicate. You're really dragging our daughter into this? Are you insane?"

pegleg_legal · 2021-09-02T08:53:11+00:00

I guess the first question is about the dynamic of the relationship - does she need things from you (money, information, anything) or do you need things from her?

If she needs things from you: Carrot and stick. Reward the good interactions, punish the bad ones with silence.

Also, sitting on the defensive and never contacting her - if you're doing that - can create some build up that ends up with fighting. A little pro-active communication, without passive aggressive tones or whatever, from time to time can be helpful. If she responds back stupidly, fuck it - no response. Every once in a while you'll poke the bear - but it's on your terms and maybe that will save you from some random blow up down the road.

The bottom line, which you know, once you lose it - she wins. Because all she wants is to know you have some emotions for her, no matter what they are.

And I'm far from perfect in this arena! Last advice, don't kick yourself too hard for slipping back into the bullshit.

47omek · 2021-09-01T19:04:03+00:00

You've got to quit letting her know where you keep your goat tied up, otherwise you're just encouraging this behavior to continue. Unless it's an issue immediately harming the health and safety of the children, do not get involved in a spur-of-the-moment back and forth. And if it is something that you'll need to go to court to prevent, you're going to need to establish a clear pattern of behavior before anything is done about it. One instance probably won't be enough. So fully document this instance but otherwise do your best to not rise to the bait in the future.

Chip512 · 2021-09-01T22:25:38+00:00

Don’t be afraid to send your attorney into battle for you - if the response your ex gets for being stupid is a trip to a family court judge they will stop (or at least do stupid less often). Getting you flustered may be your ex’s goal - grey rock and/or attorney (had to look up grey rock - https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock ).

Title	Setting Boundaries while Gray Rocking
Author	walkingdisaster4046
Upvotes	3
Comments	17
Date	September 1, 2021 2:33 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/pfv4tn/setting_boundaries_while_gray_rocking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/setting-boundaries-while-gray-rocking.1066589 https://theredarchive.com/post/1066589

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