Conflicted about a friend

popfriday · 2020-03-12T06:18:57+00:00

Sadly, some women have been socialized to seek the approval of men so much that they never spent any time actually developing hobbies or (dare I say it) that much of a personality (and even if they do have these things, they’re shoved to the back of their consciousness).

I have a lot of compassion for pick mes. If they ever start having a change of heart and want to stop centering their world around men, I am here for them. But in my day to day, I don’t have the time to coddle them and obsess over men with them. It’s boring. Boy drama is so fun (that’s why I love this sub) but I cannot hold your tears for the billionth time as your LVM slime ball cheats on you and you take him back.

OP, it is not your fault she is this way. It’s not even all the way her fault she is this way. But you don’t have to subject yourself to this for ever. She’s a sometimes friend. You need to go out there and spend more time with the friends who have more in common with you. Career oriented friends.

Some of my most career oriented, hobby filled friends are in relationships or casually dating around - they just don’t obsess over men like pick mes. They have lives to talk about and so do you.

Girls like your friend are lost. It will take therapy for her to wake up, poor thing. But you gotta live your life. Think of it as teaching her by example.

buddingQueenie · 2020-03-12T06:01:14+00:00

I would suggest spending less time with her, yes. Think about replacing each one of the "setting me up with men" with "trying to take me to church" or "trying to make me vegetarian". You are focusing on you right now and that's an important value and boundary of yours that she is not respecting.

Nurture your other friendships. A Pickme will get annoying after a while. I have a friend who texts me and I already know, like clockwork, that she's texting to complain about her bf (who she is planning to propose to and buy a ring for him, yet he dumped her on midnight on valentine's day). If you're being used as a counselor more than a friend or you're just plain getting annoyed, it's within your right to do what's happiest for you.

PrincessTiaraLove · 2020-03-12T09:21:23+00:00

I had a friend like this. She came from a better family than me so I knew I had to be more disciplined with my personal life as well. She was married and divorced by 24, then had a baby by a man she met in a 3rd world country. She tried to set me up with his poor friends and I constantly told her I was not ready to date anyone because I was focused on finishing college and building myself up. She’d already graduated and was making good money. I couldn’t afford to make the mistakes she was making. She brought nothing but bad advice and toxicity to my life and i could feel that she was trying to land me in the position she was in. I eventually stopped answering her texts and she got the point. We were friends for 10 years when I cut her loose. Don’t be afraid to do the same. You don’t owe her anything especially if she is trying to bring you down.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-03-12T11:25:04+00:00

I suggest distancing yourself. This strikes me as something that is bothering you a lot, but also it's an issue you don't need in your life. Focus on yourself above all else. I have a friend a lot like her and once I started distancing myself I felt so much lighter and happier. I suspect once you do the same you'll realize the toll your friend was taking on you.

She is insulting you and disrespecting you by not listening when you say you don't want to be set up with her bullshit LVM friends. If she's anything like my friend she enjoys thinking she's better than you (she isn't) and that's straight up toxic. I suspect she's quite jealous of you and is trying to bring you down to her level by telling you that you "need" a man because she's mad that you actually don't! It's sad but pick-mes have such low self-worth that it creates a void and they're socialized to fill it with trash men. She's confused and jealous that you're not like that too.

I know it's hard when you've been friends with someone for so long but distance doesn't mean cutting her off completely. Just think about how often you'd normally see or talk to her and try to cut it in half. She needs a wake up call anyway. Friends shouldn't treat each other the way she's been treating you. I would be so offended if a friend kept trying to set me up, especially with total losers.

I really hope she sees the light one day but that's her work to do. You don't need to stick around for that if her behavior is taking too much of a toll on you.

curlygirl507 · 2020-03-12T12:19:26+00:00

Other commenters have suggested how to move forward. I would just like to point out that I wouldn't take any of this personally - everything people do is about them, not about you. Likely poor Amy has been brainwashed by someone in her family (one or both of her parents) to obsess over men, and that's just how she thinks about herself, and she's also applying it to you. It has nothing to do with you really, so don't feel insulted.

radical__daphne · 2020-03-12T19:22:18+00:00

You just shouldn't have anyone in your life who disturbs your peace like this.

The fact that she's pissy that you worked hard and got into that school and she didn't, and the rest of this, is just awful. I had a friend very similar to this. She ended up blocking me from a relationship I did want to have with someone who seemed high value and then lied to me about an LVM which caused me to get into a relationship with him and have horrible fallout. She also would put me down for going to university because she was jealous she wasn't and felt insecure.

Long story short we are not friends anymore.

Don't waste your time like I did.

swangt · 2020-08-04T00:24:30+00:00

.. If you wouldn't put up with LVM, why are you putting up with a low value woman/friend?

Title	Conflicted about a friend
Author	thesleeplesss
Upvotes	24
Comments	11
Date	March 12, 2020 5:39 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fhbjh0/conflicted_about_a_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/conflicted-about-a-friend.680384 https://theredarchive.com/post/680384

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