How to help?

AvailableCandidate89 · 2023-04-10T20:08:21+00:00

OK, so you're going to run into some problems in yourself if you try this, and you need to be prepared for that.

The main issue men have with "opening up" to their female partners is how it fucks with the relationship. It does this in primarily in two ways: Changing how you perceive him (and so your attraction to him) and giving you a social weapon against him.

In order to help him properly, you need to deal with these two concerns. This is why a therapist is often useful, because no matter what he says these concerns don't exist.

So, part 1: The image of him you've built up in your mind

It's a sad truth with men that society and women generally don't value us for us, but instead for what we can do for them. If he opens up and reveals something about himself that might affect you or what you believe he can do for you, it fucks with the relationship whether you wanted it to or not.

Men come here all the time for support after their mistake of opening up to their partner. Suddenly she doesn't see him as manly, loses attraction, doesn't want to have sex anymore, and is from then on perpetually never in the 'mood'. Often they start looking for other partners and other ways to exit the relationship. It's a horrible and common practice that women are not ever held accountable for, in any way.

If you want to be this person for him, you have to be prepared and ready to push through your own issues of seeing him weak, vulnerable, etc. Many women don't realize the visceral reaction they have to seeing a man they depend on cry uncontrollably in front of them. The disgust response is shockingly strong, and they have a hard time suppressing it. I have first hand experience on this, it's really shitty to watch someone you love, who says they love you, look at you with utter disgust because you dared to be vulnerable.

So there's problem 1. He can't actually be vulnerable because he has to manage his own feelings and your feelings and you can't be vulnerable and do that at the same time.

Part 2: The Cunts

Like it or not, female aggression is primarily social. They bully and attack people with rumors, gossip, lies, and exposing secrets.

I'm sure you're aware of this, whether or not you do it yourself. By pushing him to be vulnerable with you, you are giving yourself ammunition to harm him in the future, whether or not you intended to, or even intended to use it.

It's another common experience among men that when they argue with their women, she pulls up anything and everything she knows about him and uses it to hurt him until she feels satisfied. There are precious few protections men are afforded from this form of abuse.

Imagine if he asked you for your nudes, or to take new ones, in very embarrassing positions, and then he'd just hold onto them for you, for later. Do you understand the anxiety that creates? Now imagine you live in a society where men are applauded and celebrated for sharing women's nudes, and never held responsible and it wasn't illegal, and you have numerous women in relationships having their nudes shared with all the guy friends they try to make, or their new workplace, or with their family, or it's an ex and he wants to fuck with her new relationship, etc. You get it. It's fucked up sexual harassment.

It's the same thing when "girls talk". And you know this is true, as well, just having been through high school.

We all saw it when Amber Turd lied about domestic abuse. She used real things to prop up her lies, like pictures of Johnny taken when he was drunk and not paying attention.

Men's vulnerability is used against them in ways it simply isn't for women, because women don't face social condemnation for being vulnerable. Honestly, they seem shocked that when women are faced with social condemnation at all, like it shouldn't be possible. It is, however, the norm for men.

So you also have to manage the mental stress this puts on him, just for opening up to you. It's not just that you might intentionally use it to try and cause him harm, but given how girls act and talk with each other, you may unwittingly cause harm and think nothing of it.

Part 3: What do you do?

Don't force him to open up, that isn't up to you no matter what you think, and it's not ok to push him into it
If he does choose to, and you asked for it, you have some fucking responsibility now. You are not allowed, morally as his partner, to let this action of trusting you harm him. You have to make sure you fuck him right after (when he's ready), or some other sexual activity to demonstrate through actions that you're still physically attracted to him as a partner and that he's in a safe environment.

This is one of the scariest things for men. They need to get in touch with their "inner child" or the vulnerable parts of themselves, but doing so has the potential outcome of a similar caliber to your mother deciding she doesn't love you anymore. Yes, you're not his mother, but you're an important women in his life and you reacting negatively just to being exposed to his feelings will fuck him up. And why shouldn't it? That's the point of being a partner, right?

Like imagine if telling him about some drama at work made him break up with you. That's the level of tightrope walking you're expecting him to do, and if you want it done you need to make it not a tightrope anymore. You need to take all of the potential negatives on yourself. That's called "Responsibility" and by asking for this you are accepting you have proper ways you need to act, and tbh those proper ways are closer to being a therapist than not, which is another reason a therapist would be better (well, in an ideal world. Therapy is failing men hard these days)

You need to remember this is not about you.

Your feelings here do. not. matter. and one of the worst things you could do in the moment is stop him from sharing his feelings so you can make the conversation about how you feel about his feelings and then address your feelings.

This is not about you.

The hardest part: You need to make sure you and Future You are both grown up enough not to fuck this up, because as i mentioned earlier it's the future abuse of trust that causes a great deal of the problems, and if you want to do this right then anything he says here you make damn sure is never held against him in the future. Doesn't matter the circumstance or how angry you might get, even if he cheats or whatever other reason your brain might come up with. It is not acceptable to ever use this moment or what you learn from it to your own gain and his detriment, ever, at any time.

Anyway, there's a whole bunch of rambling ideas on the topic.

tl;dr listen carefully and keep him cumming

Tsui_Red · 2023-04-10T20:02:37+00:00

We most certainly get taught how to show our emotions and we are also taught that if you do no woman will respect you. I have never cried in front of my wife. That is not my place, we as men bave our places we go to express our emotions, but women have taken over them, forced themselves into our spaces and forced us out. It's not that we can't. We choose not to because of the repercussions if we do. My best advice is give him space he needs. I have a Buddhist shrine men only that I go to and I feel safe weeping there. Give him a space that is his to let him handle his feelings the way he needs to

IceCorrect · 2023-04-10T21:54:53+00:00

Men are taught not to hurt women and provide for them, and opening up is very much against those rules.

Lets say you never broke his trust, never used his bad emotion against him, you never put him in situations when he tell about his problem and then he must apologise you, beacuse you start to cry or get angry at him.

Maybe treat him like a puppy - dont push, just be next to him, cuddle him, rub his hair. Maybe he can work it out, all he need is rest in your arms and recharge batteries (who doesnt? :) ). Men dont get catharsis through talking, but by actions, if he have some problem most of the time you can help him by fixing something, it can be main problem or it can be other problems that take space from main problem - like cooking food so he doesnt need to bother with it.

Ive seen that you are in long distance relationship and majority of my "advice" are for physical contact. Its much harder job to get idea what can you do for him via phone, maybe pizza when he is in home? Maybe use video call to be "next" to eachother, maybe give him a visist, maybe some weekend trip for both of you. Maybe call one of his friends with job to bring food and beer so they would have some fun night.

Final_Philosopher663 · 2023-04-10T20:49:54+00:00

I would keep it simple and say that yes for sure he needs his personal space but if you don't make sure he knows you are a part of a safe space for him to talk he will just stay in his personal space and not move from that. And I mean making him trust you through actions mainly.

Edit: And well done for reaching out from multiple sources to help your bf!

hendrixski · 2023-04-10T20:55:20+00:00

Thank you for recognizing that we're not taught healthy emotionao outlets. It's worse than that: we're taught the opposite.

He's probably tried to open up to feelings to people before. Probably many times. It probably always resulted in being ghosted, or in being dumped, or called incels and loners. Heck, when I was young my mom even told me that if I whine too much then no woman would find me attractive. So, you have an uphill battle helping him with depression because it's not just that he wasn't taught, it's that he was taught wrong AND he was probably taught by people who look like you.

But you can do a lot to help. The worst thin with depression is loneliness. So be there (don't take "I don't want company right now" as an answer, invite yourself), be present, and don't judge.

SweatyAdvance · 2023-04-11T17:25:08+00:00

So I realized you (men) don't get really taught how to show feelings

First of all, stop with this nonsense. Men are constantly told they need to "cry more". It's just that those emotions are generally unwanted by women.

I honestly refuse to let him shut me out, cause I know he's not ok and I want to help.

Maybe he doesn't want your help. Have you thought about that? Why is you forcing what YOU want more important than what he wants? Have you considered that?

I understand how it's hard for guys to open up about feelings

Again, see point 1, and the comment by AvailableCandidate89 for solid explanation on why you are misunderstanding the sitiation.

you shut everything down to a point where all you know is you're feeling down but not identify the emotions inside it.

Holy condesention batman. Have you considered he knows EXACTLY what is wrong, but it choosing very specifically to NOT share it with you?

jjj2576 · 2023-04-10T20:35:23+00:00

Encourage your partner to pursue Therapy & Mental Wellness.

what_i_reckon · 2023-04-10T22:35:07+00:00

He probably doesn’t want your help, you should encourage him to speak to his friends about his issues. Or take up a new hobby or sport that can be an outlet. Let him know you’re there for him and you’re supporting him. But he probably doesn’t want you open up to you. You’re just his girlfriend, his wife for the last 40 years

How to help?

Comments

So, part 1: The image of him you've built up in your mind

Part 2: The Cunts

Part 3: What do you do?

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Title	How to help?
Author	LovelyBlossom02
Upvotes	7
Comments	35
Date	April 10, 2023 7:09 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/12hso4b/how_to_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-to-help.1213953 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213953