Thoughts on marriage?

roharareddit · 2023-05-06T00:46:34+00:00

First agree to, no insist on, a strong prenup agreement. This protects you as well and will go far in easing his mind. Then tell him you will insist on getting a paternity test for every child you have with him.

bluewater778 · 2023-05-06T01:05:20+00:00

Help him get a prenup and sign it.

Dirty_Purity · 2023-05-06T01:54:31+00:00

As an immigrant from Eastern Europe I find one thing about marriage in the North America completely ridiculous - why the hell people have to pay alimony to their ex-spouses in case of divorce? I can understand child support (and it exists in my motherland as well) but ex-spouses are adult people who can earn their own money and alimony for them are utterly unfair and unjust.

WhereProgressIsMade · 2023-05-06T03:33:15+00:00

Why do you see marriage as necessary if neither of you want kids?

There are three states with "covenant marriage" if you happen to live in one of them. It basically takes away the option to have a no-fault divorce. So many seem to file just out of boredom for no good reason, so if that's an option, it might reassure him. Hard to say without knowing him.

pilotlet · 2023-05-06T00:11:17+00:00

Welcome, I hope you find wise answers.

which tbh made me a little scared that my bf will think that way or get second thoughts for said reasons (we've discussed it and we both would like to get married in the future).

Remember that fear does not exist if you are not afraid of losing something. You are both rational people and marriage is a decision, a life project that is taken by the full will of both people. The most sensible thing here would be to ask your boyfriend what he thinks about it, rather than scaring yourself.

I would like to know if you have any advice on how can I reassure him when it comes to these fears on marriage so he knows it won't turn into an abusive one.

The best way to deal with any social relationship is to put truth and genuine intentions first. Marriage is a long-distance race. At first it's magical, with time it's fantastic and over the years it's routine. People change, they have experiences, they are disappointed, they are happy, they go through easy or difficult times, but... in this type of relationships and human projects, the most important thing is to understand that you want to share your life with that person based on a genuine understanding, understand the reasons why both of you enter into marriage and build that project based on common ideals.

For practical purposes: respect his property, respect his autonomy as a person, and respect both of you when you don't like things. The truth always ahead, verbally spoken and actionally, even if instinct goes against it.

I wish you the best of success.

63daddy · 2023-05-06T01:25:27+00:00

At 20, he probably doesn’t have any assets worth protecting with a prenup. While offering to sign a prenup could help show you aren’t after his money, it might also get him thinking more about the biases.

I think your big advantage is that he’s young and probably hasn’t considered the issue too much. In my experience, the older men get, the more clearly they see and think about the biases inherent in marriage, divorce and other related family law. I think your best overall strategy is to keep the whole bias issue off his radar.

jokerfriend6 · 2023-05-06T01:53:02+00:00

If there are possessions that belong to him, and to you especially land and property a prenup is good to have.

Date solidly for at least a year or long enough for the lust and infatuation to disappear for both couple. You need to be together long enough to see the person in their true light. If someone is putting on a front and your with them 3 or 4 days a week, they cant put on that face forever. There is no reason one needs to get married right away.

No-Knowledge-8867 · 2023-05-06T02:56:21+00:00

Just show him this post. Most men are anxious about marriage because they are aware that society doesn't consider the male experience as worthy of concern, and because of this, when marriage fails, men routinely get screwed over. Most men want a loving, committed relationship with a woman who treats them well and wants to understand their experience. The fact that you have sought out understanding separates you from most of the women that men have concerns with.

Rude_Shock343 · 2023-05-06T03:38:08+00:00

Biggest fears ( and rightfully so) are: 1) divorce-raped; 2) infidelity; and 3) baby-trapped.

2-3 can happen in any relationship but 1. only hsppens in marriage.

If you don't want kids what exactly is the benefit to marriage? vs just a mutual committed relationship?

With the "free-exit" of dating, people tend to behave better. Marriage, causes complacency and encourages bad behavior becsuse there is no free exit for the man.

MaximumYes · 2023-05-06T03:52:40+00:00

Make sure you build him up. Let him be him; you won't change him.

You will also need to defer to his boundaries, he should be telling you what he will allow in his life now and you should listen carefully and make sure it is for you. A smart man will care about your actions, not your words.

Take care of yourself, take care of him. Marriage really is a promise to be there for each other, no matter what, so be sure he is the right one.

And if he ever decides to be vulnerable with you, for any reason, no matter how trivial it may seem, do not, EVER, tear him down for or weaponize it against him. He is a human first and your husband second.

Best of luck.

Academic-Complaint12 · 2023-05-06T04:15:39+00:00

It's a difficult discussion to have because the law doesn't really care about or consider your personal reassurances. Heck, there are even cases of prenups being thrown out.

And for men its less of a "that could happen to me" and more of a "literal coin toss whether it does happen to me"

IceCorrect · 2023-05-06T07:22:17+00:00

You both are young and both probably have no assets yet, so what would prenup do, when it only protect assets acquired before marriage. Probably clause about cheating would mean nothing in court

You both dont want kids, so there is less risk of you becomeing SAHM for infinity which can be risk for a men so this problem go out, so thats a plus.

Problem is that law would always give power to you, even when you say right now that you are for equality, at any given time you can change (like many women are) and divorce him despite you see marriage as union right now. "Person you marry its not the same person you divorce". Any discusion before marriage mean nothing when you can change rules of relationship while still being protected by laws to do so, while he is not.

IMO only reason to reasure him is to be good partner thats all you can do, beacuse in the end he have shorter stick so make him this deal worth it.

Far-Salt-6946 · 2023-05-08T15:37:01+00:00

There is really no way to reassure a man about marriage with the current legal setup of the marriage laws, the disadvantages arw far too great and i would be a horrible person if i encouraged any man to actually get married today. It really depends what you're looking for in the marriage aspect of your relationship but if your seriously set on marriage for perhaps religious reasons then consider discussing a marriage without the courts or any legal papers involved. The reality is that you don't need a legal contract to prove commitment to each other and the aspect of marriage which men are genuinely worried about is the legal aspect so if you're able to solve that somehow, you should be fine.

LovelyBlossom02 · 2023-05-08T16:07:49+00:00

Update: In case anyone was interested or curious. I had a long conversation about it with my boyfriend, we both went on why we are or might be afraid of marriage. After going through how we could get over them or what would help us to reassure each other. His last (and final, he said) statement is that he's afraid yes as it's a big step in life, but he thinks it's worth it.

Thank you for all the advices and recommendations.

DoctorStorm · 2023-05-06T04:20:09+00:00

"[...] made me a little scared that my bf will think [...]"

If you don't change your mindset, he'll be an ex-boyfriend soon enough.

And good for him.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-05-06T12:17:20+00:00

Just ask yourself that if you went skydiving and were told there was a 50-60% chance the parachute wouldn’t open….would you still jump? Hell no you wouldn’t!!! So why the hell do women complain when men just want to protect themselves from financial and emotional ruin? Do your BF a favour and drop the subject, because we sure as hell won’t. It’s in every man’s best interests NOT to get married under the current legal framework. If you really want to show him that you love him, how about you protest for equal marriage rights, against paternity fraud, equal child custody and protection against false accusation?

lumen-lotus · 2023-05-06T17:14:20+00:00

MRAs are not the people you go to for marriage advice. This place is as bad as the worst feminist subs. I know one Redditor told you to get a paternity test for each child you have, but that is an outstanding display of distrust. He thinks you are promiscuous because he does not trust women, and you, by virtue of being a woman, cannot be trusted. You're not your husband's dearly beloved, his other half - you're just a potential liability. That is an awful way to run a marriage and a lethal way to deal with trust. Escape this sub; these men are not right.

IronFang1991 · 2023-05-06T10:50:59+00:00

Marriage ? You mean where you risk 50% of your assets for fun ?. Where asking for a Prenup makes you an asshole ? Where you are in handcuffs if she decides you're abusive without any evidence? Where your children are used against to ? No.

Title	Thoughts on marriage?
Author	LovelyBlossom02
Upvotes	6
Comments	46
Date	May 5, 2023 11:54 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1395puy/thoughts_on_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/thoughts-on-marriage.1218212 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218212

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