I’m sure you all are tired of my posts lol. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and Bible study and prayer. This has led me to see where I thought I was and where I actually am emotionally, spiritually, physically etc.

This has all been done at the encouragement of some ladies here and in /r/redpillwomen. So thank you for your honest feedback.

Here is where I am stuck: how do I stop reacting and instead pause, take stock of what’s being said, and respond?

Edit: This is one major reason, according to my husband, that he doesn’t talk to me about much. He is worried that I’ll react, make it all about me, and it will become an argument.

I will give an example: I asked my husband to purchase birdseed for a project for my daughter’s scout group. He was willing to, with the agreement that I would keep it cleaned up. There’s history to this so let’s go back a year... birdseed got spilled in the garage which made the already present mice very happy. I didn’t get in there quickly and clean it up. My husband was not happy about this. So back to present day. He asked that I either find a container to put it in or use it up quickly or throw away the rest that I didn’t use (all totally valid, right?). The kids got the bag out after I used the portion I needed and refilled our bird feeder. It didn’t get put away. I was aware of it, but it sat out for about a week. I finally told the kids to put it away - someone put it in the laundry room where the seam tore and it spilled all over the floor. It was not torn when I went in that room on Thursday, but it got noticed on Friday.

Finally to the point of this. He was walking past and saw the torn back and let out a “oh for fuck’s sake. Really?” I saw it and went “oh no! I’m so sorry...”he interrupted and said “no I don’t want to hear it”. I didn’t say anything, but I did tear up and walked away. Later we had a big huge argument over it (me bringing it up). Me, feeling dismissed by the way he talked to me and him, feeling unheard and disrespected because I didn’t take care of it in the first place.

Two days of arguing and I woke up Saturday to realize I was the idiot. I was totally in the wrong. Had I just 1) did what I agreed to in the first place with the birdseed and 2) not reacted about his tone with me, but acknowledged that I screwed up we could have had no arguing and no stress this weekend.

I’m sitting here reading a marriage book taking about how we respond to correction from our husbands. And the reality is I get super defensive and angry. I feel like he’s got it out for me and I need to protect myself instead of seeing the truth of it. Which is I made a mistake (and really neglected my responsibility and was inconsiderate). I’m working on the not being neglectful of my duties and following through on what I agree to do.

But how in the world do I stop becoming defensive? How do I stop and evaluate what is being said and not just jump to “my husband is trying to hurt me”. How do I come to a place where instead of reacting out of emotion, I can start responding intentionally?

Whew that was long ! Sorry!