I’m in a situation. I struggle with some anxiety and adhd and sometimes that leads to an obsession with optimizing every little detail or being paralyzed with decision making. My boyfriend is better at executing and taking action, but doesn’t often throughly plan. He believes “everything just works out” and his winging it makes me feel more anxious and more inclined to struggle for control.

The other night we walked home from a park near his neighborhood. I trusted him to get us there and he didn’t look up the way over a certain bridge and it added almost two extra miles of walking.

The same night i had asked earlier in the week for him to plan a date for us. When i was on the train in to see him he sent me two options last minute, neither offered food and it was dinner time. He asked me to just pick a place in the end.

For Christmas he promised me a trip in august. I was so thrilled. It’s June and nothing has been booked and when i asked if he needs to rethink the trip he said “yea maybe” but hasn’t let me know.

He works so hard at his job and is often in a leadership position and has managed teams with many people under him. I can’t ever imagine him winging a presentation without research or preparation. I don’t know why he can’t look up a route home or google a restaurant. I’m so disappointed about this trip but feel I can’t say anything because he has been tight financially and a work opportunity that would have been a windfall fell through. He’s been very down about it, and since then has been very insistent that he take charge on plans, actively saying “I’m in charge. Stop fighting me on this.”

But I couldn’t hold my tongue, he made a plan by making a random choice with no thought that added significant hassle to us.

I’m really frustrated and I’ve told him I could follow better if he lead with more planning but it came off as backseat driving. We’re both just stuck in this dynamic.

Weirdly he’s been asking me to initiate intimacy more, I’m always game typically so I don’t know if he just needs more reassurance after feeling like this work opportunity didn’t come through but it feels bizarre to at the same time be told I need to be more submissive in life (despite gaps in the leadership) and more assertive in bed.

He’s a wonderful caring supportive generous thoughtful loving man who I ultimately trust to put my needs first, but the admin things and micro choices of the days feel lacking. Do I just let all this shit go? Are all men like this to a degree? Idk.