Sorry if this is long. I don’t really have anyone I can truly trust with this situation, and I need advice. This is probably the only sub that will give me actual advice instead of “ReD fLaGs” or “YaS QuEeN” or whatever.

Let’s call these men A and B.

I have been in a relationship with A for five years and we were together since we were 18. I am traditional in the way I court men, e.g I encourage them to do most of the pursuing in the beginning and am generally laid back in my approach. I had to learn it the hard way, but it works. A was lovely and I believed we would be together forever and whatnot.

The last year and a half, he turned quite verbally abusive and lost interest in a lot of activities we bonded over. It was hard to say the least. I tried waiting, communicating what was wrong, I tried going quiet on him (this actually worked for a few days at a time but was unsustainable for obvious reasons), I tried arguing about it, and I set an ultimatum which he did not meet so I left.

I had also met B. B is also lovely. Well duh, of course he is or I wouldn’t be in this pickle. I really believe I could go the rest of my life and never meet anyone like B again. He also did most of the pursuing, he expressed he was willing to wait, he didn’t like hookups and had a history of a couple of long term relationships in his past which shows he is capable of commitment. He is always extremely gentle, understanding, and capable of adult communication. For example, one of his “flaws” is a trigger of mine, but we managed to have a very mature and reasonable discussion about what steps I should take is this issue were to happen. I saw this as a green flag and decided to overlook said flaw because of it. So far there have been no issues. Long story short, we’ve fallen in love.

When I left A after all his abuse, he was devastated. He really put effort into changing and asked for a second chance. While he was better with his communication and started showing interest in our usual activities, he still remained hostile and judgemental frequently.

I told him I couldn’t stay in the relationship. B wants to pursue a relationship with me and I also want the same. But I can’t help but wonder. A loves me, part of me still loves A, we’d been together a long time and I know he is reliable, but I can’t tolerate his hostility and temper anymore. B on the other hand is very gentle and relaxed, very understanding, has a lot of green flags I’ve mentioned, but I’m scared of the unfamiliarity of the situation. With A, I at least know the bullshit I’m dealing with. With B, things are much healthier, but I’m overthinking the future.

B is aware of the situation. He is understanding of it. A is very hostile to B.

I’m asking because I take relationships and my future seriously, and I’ve never been in a pickle like this before. And y’all give good advice with no bullshit