LTRs, Exes, and Oneitis

_the_shape_ · 2015-01-22T12:18:37+00:00

No no no. Setting out to make a failed relationship right by means of the red pill is mistakenly blue pill-esque. I can just tell by your post too that she was the one who dumped you, correct? And even if you dumped her, you must understand that setting the proper frame in a LTR is extremely important, and getting back together will set a frame more around the idea of compromising to be together rather than the organic, original mutual desire to be with one another. Much better to move on and find new girls than to think you're going to show up at your ex's doorstep with a chiseled physique and a red pill-coated "now I get it " swag and expect everything to harmoniously fall back into place.

I've been in your shoes before, seen and read about it a ton of times, and it always comes back to the same issue - resistance to change. You think you've changed, and maybe you have, but your blind spot is that you've set out to change specifically for her. Call me a pessimist all you want, but the odds of it collapsing again are astronomical. Learn from your mistakes and MOVE ON.

Diddlysquatz · 2015-01-22T06:44:15+00:00

It ended badly with her the first time? Please elaborate. But honestly regardless of how it ended with her you should never really get back into an LTR with an ex. She had her shot with you, and (I assume) she blew it. That's it. Game over. Plate status. Make her realize what she missed out on, and make her regret it.

Finding a decent LTR prospect is so difficult in our society, low partner count, traditional values, loyal, not a crazy bitch, etc etc. You would be insane to try for a LTR with someone who you already know, for a fact, is not compatible with you. Bonkers. Don't get back with an ex. Don't even plate an ex you might re develop feelings for. Bad idea.

thowaway8829104204 · 2015-01-22T05:22:47+00:00

I haven't ever retried with an ex mostly because they've been exes for a reason. I'm not sure about your situation everything isn't always black and white. I think you're going to have to make that call yourself, but try to distance yourself from the situation emotionally and figure it out. If it wasn't you and your ex but two strangers on here what advice would you give them? I would also like to say, I don't think it's rare for guys on this board to be interested in marriage. People act like it is, but I see a lot of guys trying to justify it too. Every one wants to find a unicorn, every one wants to become rich. Everyone wants to be live a happy life. For me it's about leverage, when you get married it's a business decision. You have to weigh your options, is this woman worth the money you'll lose in a divorce? It really comes down to what's important to you.

pcadrian · 2015-01-22T12:59:22+00:00

Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation?

Somewhat. Check out my post on "What is Your Relationship Like With Your Plate(s)", I talk about my situation here. I recommend you do the following: see her while making it clear you are not ready for LTR, and that you will continue to see other women. You are being cautious and evaluating all your options. Also, require that she doesn't see other guys, if she does, you're Gone. Do this for a while.

If she sticks around for more than half a year with these terms, and demonstrates to have incorporated RPW traits (submissive, nurturing, cooks for ya, etc - visit RPW to know what to look for), ONLY THEN it may be worth giving another chance to commitment. If you think about it before that, and before having tried a number of other chicks, then it's just your Oneitis talking. It could happen that you find someone better, perhaps a virgin with traditional upbringing that you can start something fresh with?

You may also want to bring up (after a couple of months and she is comfortable with you) how many people she's been with during the split, and what made her come back. Focus on the "why she came back" so she doesn't feel shamed in revealing the truth about her number. Use your best judgment based on her response.

My approach is somewhat tyrannical, but it has worked for me. I don't think it's the best approach, but my girl stuck around despite all my ridiculous standards.

AlfalfaStemlord · 2015-01-22T06:08:44+00:00

Ask yourself - and give yourself honest answers - why is your ex an ex? How are you going to make sure whatever it was won't happen again?

If you have acceptable answers to those questions, and you really did sleep with a lot of other women, and still think your ex is somehow a unique snowflake, then consider giving it a second chance

Clemence999 · 2015-01-22T11:40:21+00:00

Have a family, a wedding even but please don't get married. It is the antithesis of TRP. Look up a what a Parenting Agreement is - it provides all of the "structure" and "stability" needed to raise a family without putting you at risk of divorce rape.

Hokuto199x · 2015-01-22T14:48:33+00:00

Many users here have used what they learned to improve a current LTR. However, I don't hear many success stories from guys trying to rekindle a failed LTR. I think the conventional wisdom is once the relationship ends that it's probably a losing proposition to try to rekindle it as a serious and committed LTR. Most of the experienced TRPers seem to agree that an ex is always a plate at best.

Microwaved_Lettuce · 2015-02-23T04:36:49+00:00

so you currently cheat on your fiance?

Titan5000 · 2015-01-22T14:30:59+00:00

I've read the comments here and they pretty much follow the same advice that's always been given in communities like this, which is: "Never get back with an ex, they are exes for a reason. Better yet, use her as a plate."

I would agree with this to some extent, except in the case that you are ABSOLUTELY certain that this is the woman you are going to end up marrying. Let me explain:

I have never, ever, under any circumstances, ever re-initiated a relationship with an ex "girlfriend" because I know that the problems will exist, and in order to me to maintain my frame, SHE must change who she is. Unfortunately, women are selfish and will not change. They are persistent creatures, leaving you to constantly have to establish dominance and work extra to maintain your new frame, which will lead you to become stale and bored.

In your responses you claim that you were being a beta the entire time and she got bored, this is a perfect opportunity to maintain alpha frame and dominate her, but if there are problems with the nuts and bolts (ie: your personalities to match up well, she wants to control you, etc.) then you might run into some issues regardless of frame. An argument can be said that if you're maintaining frame, she will essentially bend to your will, but this is not always the case my man (it is for plates, but not for LTR that end up lasting).

I speak from experience as I have broken my own rule about getting back together with an LTR because after sleeping and dating around for a few months after our break up, I realized what madness I was putting myself through and wanted some stability. Luckily for me, the girl I love and I have reconciled and she is everything I could've asked for. She is red pill as fuck in her own regard and she is truly my equal in every way. We play off each other, share the same goals, many of the same interests, and actively live the red pill lifestyle. She is truly a dream come true for me. But it took me dating the status quo to realize how great she was, and sometimes that's just how it is.

You have to make a decision for yourself man. If you get back with her, make sure that you can see yourself marrying her and maintain frame forever. If even one thing is out of place in your assessment, I wouldn't recommend re-trying.

Title	LTRs, Exes, and Oneitis
Author	redpillhead
Upvotes	23
Comments	30
Date	January 22, 2015 4:21 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2t96t4/ltrs_exes_and_oneitis/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/ltrs-exes-and-oneitis.28218 https://theredarchive.com/post/28218

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