Need help getting over an affair

Scurvemuch · 2016-04-05T14:23:30+00:00

Hmmm, how to get over a Oneitis that gave your weak self some validation when you were in dry country?

First, understand that the only reason this other girl fucked you is that you fooled her into thinking that you were worth a damn.

You're not.

What you need to do is not get over her. You need to get over yourself. This girl is not special . She is just like your wife... except she doesn't know the real you. She wouldn't fuck the real you.

What does contact with her " after" the affair give you? ( Validation that maaybe, just maybe you aren't a pussy)

But thats just it, isn't it? You need validation. It wasn't about the sex. It was about feeling wanted. Thats fair.

But were you worth wanting? Are you worth wanting now?

I bet not.

over60_stupid_loner · 2016-04-05T15:20:30+00:00

But I can't get over her. I don't know what to do.

You are choosing not to get over her. You have to make different choices.

Since when are you not in charge of yourself? OK long time now.

How do I make it work with my wife even if I don't know if I want to? (Kids are in the mix)

First you have to decide what you want. Then you try to do it. Simple Yes?

You sound like the guy that robbed the store, then said he was the victim of his circumstances.

I was looking for validation from her because I wasn't getting any validation (which I craved)

Validation seeking is not healthy or attractive, then you blame your wife that you weren't getting any of this unhealthy attention from her, so you cheated on her.

I guess you showed her didn't you! (borrowed)

I still think you are a troll.

Archwinger · 2016-04-05T15:40:38+00:00

This is a really interesting situation. Usually, weak men whine about getting over their wife's affair. They were weak, lost her, and want to win her back by changing themselves.

This time, the man posting about an affair was weak in a different way. He still lost his wife in a sense. She wasn't fucking him, she wasn't validating him, he didn't have his shit together professionally, etc. And the very moment there was another opportunity, he leaped on it, and got very, very, very invested -- to the point where hew was giving her money and developed oneitis for a woman that's not his wife. And he has kids.

Honestly, this is the same situation we usually read about, except you're the woman. You're acting exactly like a woman. You suck. You crave validation. Rather than earning it, you find it outside of your marriage. As soon as you find it, you begin attaching extreme emotional significance to it. These are all things women do when they have affairs. You're not just fucking some slut because you don't have sex at home -- you're seeking validation and an actual relationship. You're having a woman's affair, as a man.

Your problem isn't getting over this one woman, specifically. Or about fixing things with your wife, specifically. Your problem is that you're a validation junkie. Like a woman. You define your worth by what others think about you and the attention and kindness they give you. Hence why even after you stopped fucking girl #2, you were still having an emotional relationship.

You need to set some real goals for yourself -- shit that means something to you. Have an actual mission. Be an actual person instead of a vessel that needs other people to fill him.

Get a better job that you can stomach. Get out of the house and do some interesting hobbies, or start some projects in the home. Do more shit with your kids. You need to find some meaning of your own instead of depending on getting meaning from others.

alphabeta49 · 2016-04-05T19:55:26+00:00

Lots of good advice being thrown your way so far, I won't reiterate what's already been said.

I used to be in your exact shoes. Cheated on my wife because, boo hoo, poor me, I wasn't getting sex. Because I was a giant pussy. Because my wife was figuring out motherhood for the first time and I didn't give her enough slack. Because I played the victim. Because I fucking sucked at being attractive. Because I followed her around like a puppy dog. Because I was scared of her. I was a fucking bitch, man. I would want that guy to fucking off himself if I saw him on the streets now. Its no way to live.

The problem? I was addicted to the validation that sex gave me.

I had to get to the point of just viewing sex as a fun activity that comes and goes. A girl letting me touch her pussy didn't mean a damn thing except that she was horny or had something to prove. It wasn't that she cared about me. We were both using each other to numb our own insecurities. Purely selfish.

You're going to get over this one chick. But guess fucking what? It doesn't matter if its your wife, or another affair down the road: you're going to have these same issues over and over and over again if you don't change something internal. A mindset. Your personality. Whatever you want to call it. The part of you that decides who gets to call your value. Right now, its not you. You ain't owning shit. You're addicted to the source of validation. Right now its the other woman. Next time it'll be your wife or another-nother woman. Its pathetic. You're shapeless. You're defined by everyone else but yourself.

All the advice about building your home, getting strong, and developing hobbies is great, but ultimately it will be about other people. We both know that, hopefully you can admit it. You'll choose hobbies that are palatable to your wife. You will pick lifting programs based on what you think women want, not on your specific goals (probably because you don't have any and don't know how to). Your choice of job will take your image into consideration.

Look, its ok and normal for guys to want to hone their image. But you're so far off the deep end that you could stand to overcorrect a little and truly NGAF. You have no image to hone.

How do I make it work with my wife even if I don't know if I want to? (Kids are in the mix)

No one is addressing this, but maybe that's because it doesn't matter right now. You're not in a place to even know whether you want to stay with your wife because you're so fucked up over this side chick. Of course you're thinking of bailing, you've got all the feelz for random Rhonda. But you're nowhere near improved enough to be able to make a call like that.

Right now, you've sucked all the value out of your part of this marriage. And you're sitting here considering whether or not your wife is adding enough value to your life now that you've found the awesome and holy red pill?

Get to working on yourself, and dig deep. Even get a counselor to help you process. Issues like this are usually linked to childhood trauma and shit, and I doubt even your closest friend (you do have close friends, right?) wants to hear that. That's why you pay shrinks like me to be your emotional tampon.

Olderpiller · 2016-04-05T14:20:56+00:00

You sound like a troll. What has your wife done to warrant your attention. If you are real then think of yourself as the prize. She needs to provide enough value in your life to warrant you wanting to fuck her.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-04-05T15:21:10+00:00

Abundance. you took the first poon thrown at you because scarcity. you can't get over it because you're still of that mindset.

Your problem is you, shelf the other decisions under you fix you. That improved guy is in a much better position to decide this shit.

its-iceman · 2016-04-05T16:09:30+00:00

The main issue is that you're tying your self worth into women paying attention to you. You're responsible for you.

screechhater · 2016-04-05T21:06:03+00:00

STFU and Lift. Reflect. Read - Lift Row- Your body should be fucking screaming from lifting heavy and rowing . It will build you and focus your direction

STFU and Decide what you want. You came here to get game and realized you are not a man. Good job. Grow a set. Move forward

bogeyd6 · 2016-04-07T14:38:11+00:00

Best sex of my life, of course. Gave her money for things.

She was a prostitute.

I suggest you put on your big boy pants, man the fuck up, and control your fucking life. Quit being a fagget and trying to keep something you don't want.

JuniperSunshine · 2016-04-05T17:32:03+00:00

'I've had occasional contact with the affair partner since then."

If you really want to get over her, stop all contact. Your hormones can mess with your brain, no matter how resolved you are.

EDIT: Does this work, or just delete?

Title	Need help getting over an affair
Author	whatdoidonext5
Upvotes	3
Comments	30
Date	April 5, 2016 2:08 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4dgki5/need_help_getting_over_an_affair/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/need-help-getting-over-an-affair.207531 https://theredarchive.com/post/207531

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