Building Frame

First, forgive me if this is overly theoretical. I really needed to write this out. For me the conceptual frame is the first step to me following a programme. I think I have some mistrust in myself and following my own frame. I don't want to just adopt somebody else mind on it, like I have done in the past, but I'd like some feedback on my understanding of frame and what I can expect moving forward. That would help reassure my plan is not self-destructive. I've shut the fuck up, read the sidebar and lifted just enough to know it does works. I'm anxious to understand how. It's kind of like, to look for side effects. I think taking it further means understanding what I'm working with and what to expect. I also want to avoid any major pitfalls, counter-productive things and manage unintended consequences.

I've split my effort in understanding and using frame as something like "organisation". As an organising principle, thinking for oneself, following ones own path, making your own way, being your own man, making your own rules. I kind of liken frame to the Chinese concept of Qi, which helps me understand it, right or wrong.

Define means to describe. And like a lot of concepts in Chinese, it's described by how it feels and what it does.

I've found the last year that trying to grasp what frame "is", has been counter-productive. And more a stalling place than anything. I always know what I am dealing with before I do it. This is because I lack frame, and have no place of reference for trusting myself. Since I cannot understand this by grasping it's parts (because it's not a thing) I have tried to understand it by what it does. I've only explored frame in order to understand it. The more I do, the more afraid I am of having one of my own. Maybe I'm not the only person who is afraid to think for themselves.

I find it is not, no matter how much I have searched, a thing to be found inside ones own being. Nor is it something you lock into on the outside. After a year of trying to locate it, I've found nothing like the other centres of being you can find this way. It's a strange frame to come from, based upon fear and a total loss of confidence in my own competence. It reminds me of a story about a man who is shot with an arrow. A doctor is called by his companions and the doctor begins asking a bunch of questions like, who shot the arrow, etc. By the time the doctor is done he has asked over 100 questions, while the injured man dies. I was that injured man and the doctor. And I understand now that the way I see the doctor asking, is because he is terrified of making a mistake.

I don't write this question so that anyone else can fall for this kind of cerebral fixation on the elusive and esoteric. I've come to give up on finding something that isn't there. And to ask for help. I'm scared to trust myself.

I think frame is a faculty. And this faculty can be used. Just like thinking isn't a thing, but you can do it, have it, use it and there are benefits and drawbacks. Likewise, as thinking organises reality into thoughts; frame organises reality itself. I am afraid that I don't know what I'm doing and I will organise reality in a way that will hurt myself. Unfortunately, it's a new concept. It's a hard concept, and not fully mature. So it's hard to grasp what happens doing it. Not having it is a terrible, slow death. But having it is a risk as well. I think separating reality, internal and external, the faculty that organises it, and that faculty into self and mind, is important in applying the concepts for me. I can do it. I'm very apprehensive.

You can't organise something on it's own. It has to be against something else. So, it makes total sense to me why it's said here that building a self is paramount to starting to have frame. I've built one, reluctantly and at no real speed, and I use it. A self is what you measure the internal and external environment against. A self is an organising principle. And a superior one to changing emotions, whims or somebody else's certainty, all things we fall back on when we lose a structured self through, say, some major event.

By having a clear sense of my self, I have split my work into two sections; Internal, and external. My internal environment includes everything, from what is called physical/emotional/mental frame. And the external is the external, plan/mission/purpose in action. The problem I think I'm having is that I have a weak self. So I'm finding I have no reference on what to do for a lot of internal and external things that are happening. You can tell me if you've been here and if I'm travelling something expected. But my grasp is that moving forward, I will have to decide on an organising principle. I've enjoyed the benefits.

An example I can give is, just now I was in the shower. I was thinking about a violent confrontation I had with a neighbour yesterday. It was unprovoked aggression. I knew where I was happy with the way I dealt with it, and I knew where I lost frame. I needed time to "screw my head on straight", because I had no certainty in how I will respond. But I found myself internalising his judgements in the shower and becoming anxious. I decided that, no, I'm not going to allow other peoples thoughts into my internal environment. Then I went to do some chores or whatever, and I found myself rushing. I decided that I am not going to allow myself to rush externally, and this calmed my internal environment and organised things nicely for me. I'm finding myself now realising that I'm seeing a kind of emptiness and uncertainty with literally everything I do. Placing my attention inwards doesn't help. Placing it outside, and towards my ends, I feel uplifted. Motivated. I feel above the petty concerns of people who do not share my values. I want to move forward. I'm zoned in on my meaningful work, and improving my circumstances. Instead of building my own frame, I wanted to do MRP right. My organising principle was "do things that make me an MRP man". My goal here was having to avoid what's I'm staring down now. What I've been avoiding for a very long time. Making my own decisions again.

Up until the age of 16 I had complete trust in myself. Nobody could break my frame. I didn't know at the time why that was, I just thought I was a good talker. Age 17 I had exercise addiction and an eating disorder. I didn't recognise it and it put me into serious illness for 3-4 years. Although I pulled myself out against all odds, and by myself, I still don't trust myself to make decisions. To lead my own life. How can I, when I almost killed myself? I've let the people around me down. I've failed my friends and my family, and I did and said nothing when they failed me. How can I lead my own life? Or ever trust myself again?

The best I could accomplish is using outside help to make sure I have a baseline. But to move forward in my own life... I suppose the alternative isn't pretty either. Maybe it's a black and white, lead or be a slave. But I'd like to follow for a moment. I'd like to listen. I'd like to know what other peoples reasons are for leading their lives. Maybe listening to that I can find a reason in myself.