Hi redpill. This is the last place I have left. Nobody ever bothered to comment on my other posts I've made in the past and I really can't do this alone.

All my life I've been depressed and lonely. All my life I've tried to change that (Therapy, anti depressants etc). It hasn't worked.

I'm 19, 6ft 245 pounds and climbing. I've eaten nothing but pizza and chocolate for this whole week.

I have bad teeth, bad skin, anxiety, depression, a very strong sense of hopelessness. A tiny amount of job experience (Food service) and I didn't finish high school, low self esteem, poor concentration, low motivation, zero discipline.

It's so bad that I don't care about anything. Other than my girlfriend and my cat.

I love my girlfriend, she's done some shitty things, but so have I. We're both just trying to cope with being alive.

I can't comprehend how people want to be here, want to do anything etc etc. My only interests are good food and a lifelong dream of backpacking overseas. Other than that, nothing.

Most days I sit and play lootbased videogames. You know the shitty ones that fuck up your dopamine levels? I play 14+ hours a day, rarely sleep, eat really bad etc.

I do this because I cannot cope with the outside world. I've never really had a father figure. I've had to learn to do everything myself. Half the time I have no idea if what I'm doing is right,okay,acceptable, whatever.

My daily process is like this.

  • Wake up
  • Video games
  • Eat shitty food throughout the session
  • question why I live like this
  • realize I have little to live for
  • sleep for 5 hours
  • rinse/repeat

My cat was rundown last night on halloween. Further cementing my want for not being alive.

She was my best friend alongside my gf. That cat loved everybody, would actually talk to you if you said her name, would lick you and follow you around. Best damn cat I could have asked for.

Some piece of shit ran her down and left her to die in the road.

Only for me to find her in the morning, not 20 meters from my house. It was gruesome. Blood smeared on the road, her eye popped out, she was laying in a pool of her own blood.

Furthermore, I had to now carry her back to my house to show my girlfriend and mother, and the cats son.

My girlfriend is a mess and is likely to be so for several weeks alongside me.

What really gets to me is that some piece of shit left her. She didn't deserve that. It's likely that they came fast around the bend too.

She wasn't even an outside cat. What really kills my heart is that had I gotten up 5 minutes faster, I could have shut the window by an inch or two preventing her escape. If I had left my dog outside, she would still be alive. If I went to check for her when I awoke, she would still be alive. etc.

I feel guilty, angry and upset. The universe decided to put the most unfortunate events in play, all 6 or 7 of them. Had she been in a different spot by a few inches, same thing. I would be still patting her.

I have very little to live for. Only one person cares about me and my best friend was killed. What do I do? At the current rate I'm on, I'm going to kill myself. No doubt about it.

I can remove this if It's violating some rule, but please don't suggest going to those "help subreddits" because nobody every reads anything or provides actual advice.