LIFE SUMMARY (optional)

I just graduated high school, going to college to study Software Engineering. I chose Software Engineering because it used to be a hobby when I was a child, nowadays I don't really mind doing it as I'm at my PC most of the day anyway, and it's lucrative. When I was at elementary I was considered gifted but as soon as I went to middle school that instantly vanished and ended up average, so I think my elementary school wasn't very high quality and my "giftedness" is illegitimate. My appearance and social skills are slightly below average. My intelligence isn't anything special either, I think it's actually also slightly below average if I'm being honest (had a hard time accepting this before, as the idea of being special was something I had in most of my youth). My work ethic is garbage, I always rush things at the end. Never had a girlfriend, or even someone showing interest in me. And by the way, I'm a white western European born in a middle class family. I'm 6'0 and naturally skinny, don't need to think about food to stay thin.

As for my family, the relationship between my parents is usually normal, sometimes they fight, the fights usually are my mother raging and swearing and my father just ignoring it and walking away until my mother starts destroying shit, then he'll say "wtf are you doing". Parents aren't really role models. The relationship between my parents and me is distant, I'm considered the easy child of the 3 sons, they often praise me for not having the rebellious teenage behavior. To be honest, I'm not a very affectionate person, and neither are my parents. I don't have any people I'm close to, really. I've been reading TRP for almost a year and accepting the concepts wasn't difficult.

Am I beta? Yes, I'm most certainly not alpha, and I wouldn't be surprised if I fit the omega label. Am I blue pill? I know the red pill but I don't act on it, so I am in behavior.

THE PROBLEM

I don't know what I want out of life. My sex drive isn't as high as when I first discovered fapping. Now that I'm in a long holiday, where I just sleep and sit behind the PC at the most random times, I sometimes go a couple of days without wanting to fap. I don't think that's a bad thing, a sex drive is useless if you can't use it.

I know how the world portrays romance unrealistically, but it's the same for passions. I haven't experienced anything like passion in the last couple of years. The older I get the more mundane video games are, I don't even play them that much to kill time, I just browse the internet.

In short, I don't have a mission, everything I want like money, women, close friends etc. is more like "it'd be nice to have" but I don't have the drive to go out of my way to pursue it.

SOLUTIONS I'VE TRIED

I've tried to find an answer to "why" I live. I've looked into nihilism. It's the truth, but I don't want it to be. I'm still blue pill on thinking that life is supposed to be a treasure, but really, it's all pointless when you think about it rationally. When I saw solipsism I thought "this isn't wrong either". Hedonism? Also correct, but I don't have the drive to pursue a hedonistic life.

The other objective reason I've thought through is procreation. But I don't want to raise a family. I've thought about everything to get an answer to "why" but no matter what angle I attack the problem from the answer is still unknown.

So I've thought about just doing something, without thinking about "why". I've attempted to just make a todo list for every day, with activities to advance my body, mental state, future career, and trying out hobbies. I also forced myself to think as an optimist, act and eat optimally, the typical self improvement stuff etc. I've done this for 2 weeks a couple of months ago, but then I just quit because I didn't see the merit.

It hit me: why should I improve myself if there is a significant size of the population who are born at the top regarding appearance, mindset and intelligence? I'm below average in most aspects but I can maybe get above average (take appearance for example, if I were to be shredded I might be above average). But why should I? It kills all your drive to see people born beyond your maximum potential, or people born like that & hard working on it too. This is the essence of evolution, people born better will thrive more than you ever will.

I don't have a drive and purpose. My thinking isn't objectively wrong, but that's the worst part of it.

So what would you recommend for me to do?