When I was 15, I had my heart broken by a girl I was in love with. We were together for two months and had talked for maybe a month before that. However, I had never met someone who made me feel that way. We bonded on a different level, sharing experiences, goals, and futures. Everything seemed well until one week when she started being very dry and distant. I didn’t know why, as everything was going so well. So, I offered her space. After a couple of days on that break without talking to me, I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say. When I asked if she still loved me, she said no, and that was the last time we ever talked.

Fast forward to 16, I met another girl, and I thought we hit it off great. We were still in the talking stages, so it wasn’t a relationship. We'd talk all day, FaceTime, and she introduced me to her friends. I genuinely thought we were going somewhere. Honestly, I was in love. I told my friend about this girl and how much I liked her. One day, while on FaceTime, she was with another dude. I asked who it was, and it turned out to be my friend. I was in shock, and though I didn't take it too personally, it did hurt me. I dodged a bullet, as he got her pregnant, and now they're both single parents.

Now, at 16-17, I started to learn about the red pill mentality, and it really grew on me. I started to build a kind of hatred towards women. As much as I don’t like it, that’s the truth. I was calling women hoes, bitches, thots. I would talk to girls, get them attached, and start putting them down emotionally for my own gain. I thought it made me look cool, but now that I think about it, I know it was so messed up. I wish I could ask those people to forgive me. The story doesn't end here.

At 17, I met my current girlfriend, and we're still together. I love her to death. Unfortunately, everything I've described in the past has made me insecure, unsympathetic, emotionally unavailable, and a plethora of other things. Honestly, this girl hasn’t really done anything to me. But I’m constantly putting her down emotionally, telling her who she can and can’t talk to. When she tells me things she wants me to change, I just ignore her or invalidate her feelings. I’m always ready to break up at any moment. I suppress my love and emotions for her so I don’t get too attached because I think if I do, I’ll just end up getting hurt. I want to change that, though. She’s really a good girl, and it's from stuff I faced in the past. And I do want us to work out. I also want to be more trusting. As an anxious person, anything sets me off. I always think she’s lying, and my overthinking makes it worse. I need a lot of reassurance.