I often see the well meaning advice that people, especially women, are attracted to potential partners with high self esteem. So, if one wants to attract partners they should build their self esteem. A common thread among the various toxic communities like the red pill, black pill, incels, femaledatingstrategy, etc. is that they prey upon people with low self esteem.

You can see why self esteem seems so Integral to all of this.

Somewhat recently, I was talking with my therapist about my own waxing and waning self esteem. The advice I was given blew my mind a bit and I think it might help some of you struggling to find your own self worth.

My therapist advised that I should work on self compassion instead of self esteem. Self esteem is somewhat binary. Either you think you're a worthy person or a worthless person. Sometimes you oscillate back and forth, but there isn't much grey area. It's what you think about yourself or how you think others think about you or how you think others SHOULD think about you.

Self compassion on the other hand is how you treat yourself. It's being kind to yourself. It's being your own best friend. It's forgiving yourself for your mistakes instead of punishing yourself. It's asking yourself kindly to give it another try instead of calling yourself a piece of shit or something similar.

Self compassion is attractive to others, much like self esteem. But, it's a practice, not a result. Advice on self esteem looks like: work out more, try out a bunch of hobbies, talk to people more, etc. If you do all of that you'll build self esteem along the way. None of this is bad advice, but it's a bit daunting just to feel like a worthwhile person. Advice on self compassion looks like: the next time you feel yourself being critical of yourself stop yourself and ask yourself "how would I do this differently if it was a good friend instead of myself I was talking to?" You would probably be nicer. You wouldn't call them a loser or a failure. You'd be encouraging and understanding.