Help, I think I'm doing it wrong

UEMcGill · 2014-12-13T05:48:55+00:00

First, never DEER.When you defend explain excuse and rationalize to a woman it only amplifies her feelings. Her feelings are hers to deal with. So when you "calmly explain" in her brain it's you trying to change what is a very real feeling and it's invalidating.

You have every right to say "I'm tired, I want to give you every thought you deserve and I acknowledge you hurt. But right now I can't give you the 100% you deserve. Please let's save this for morning" and then if she persists "please in the morning".. You don't have to ignore her feelings. Just acknowledge them and move on. The point where she tries to use them to change you is manipulation. You have every right to not engage manipulation.

newlifeasredpill · 2014-12-13T02:10:39+00:00

Things are going well....no conflict...get along great...affairs????

Care to tell us more about that?

strategos_autokrator · 2014-12-13T05:29:59+00:00

TRP is about men owning up to our shit.

Affairs shake up everything and made her insecure. Face this like man, and listen to her, and own up to your stuff. The message she is sending is that you haven't done that in a way she understands and makes her feel safe. She is crying for an oak that makes her feel safe. Do that with intent to close that chapter.

I_AMA_Naughty_Boy · 2014-12-13T02:48:31+00:00

How long ago was the affair? Or how long ago did she find out about the affair?

BluepillProfessor · 2014-12-13T19:13:47+00:00

Yes TRP takes a hard line but MRP looks to save the marriage first- assuming that is what YOU want.

If it is, what you need to do is take charge of her emotions. Own your bullshit, explain how it is not going to happen again blah blah and THEN put a stop to reviewing your errors. "We already discussed that and I have it under control."

It is NOT backpedaling to take your wife in your arms and assure her that she is the one that you chose and that you ARE going to make it work.

It is NOT "Beta" to hold your wife until the storm passes.

You need to provide Alpha for the tingles, BUT you need lots and lots of Beta/comfort especially following a betrayal like you describe.

The answer is NOT always to "ignore" her feelings. The answer is to be UNAFECTED by her feelings and emotional storms. You need to pull her into your frame and provide a refuge, not be the cold, aloof, Mr. Spock dude. IMHO. Good luck and let us know what happens next.

aguy01 · 2014-12-15T16:21:50+00:00

When she says "I'm not a sex object", you say "Oh yes you are" and manhandle her. You compromised, when your position is supposed to be rock solid.

alphabeta49 · 2014-12-15T17:08:44+00:00

UPDATE.

The next evening, after we put the kids to bed, she says, "obviously I want to talk about last night." Cue dramatic music, dun dun dun. It worked out actually, because I wanted to talk too.

It was breakthrough city for her. I used some reverse Socratic method on her, assuming her statements were true, asking questions and clarifying, and letting her explain herself into contradiction. For example, she kept claiming that I should have seen that me taking myself to bed had hurt her feelings and that the fury she directed at me was really not about me but about the bad day she had (Her words, screaming at me: "Alphabeta49, stop taking it so personally!"). Then two minutes later, she said we are responsible for our delivery, how we come across to others. I just laughed inside.

I drove home the point that I cheated on her (bad response) because of her neglect (very real problem), which had her sobbing and feeling ashamed that she contributed to our marital problems (say it ain't so!). Finally, I'm not the only bad guy!

Also, another AHA moment for her:

Me: We're going to do such-and-such this way (don't remember the actual topic)

Her: But what if we did it this way?

Me: No, this way, because xyz.

Her: But what about this way?

Me: No, this way.

Her: But what about - I'm doing it, aren't I?

Me: Doing what?

Her: Challenging you and not letting you lead.

Me, to myself: BINGO.

So all that being said, we made some breakthroughs. TRP says to start working to identify the hamster. I'm starting to see it, and it really helps me take myself out of the situation and address the real issues of our arguments.

EDIT: formatting. More details will come as I remember them. It was late and lots happened, so the memory is blurry. I wish I could have recorded it. "Can I interrupt, honey? I know you're on a roll, but I really need to record this conversation. gets out iphone I love how you're digging yourself into a hole and I want to have it on file."

spexer · 2014-12-15T21:52:54+00:00

I dont understand your problem here. You tried for sexy time with the wife, and she said she needed a minute to mentally get in the mood (because of your affair). The kids then got up and cockblocked. (my kids do that too). You left her to deal with the kids and went to bed. And then she gets to bed and you are asleep. You did not continue to escalate, you did not follow through with your buildup for sexytime. So your wife is actually waking you up and fighting with you because you did not sex her. Am I reading that right? Why didn't you just sex her when she woke you up? Why didnt you help put the rugrats the bed (teach them a bit about discipline and staying in their rooms) and sex your wife?

You then later on give an update on the next day, when you talk with her and blame her for you having an affair- because of neglect.

Did this thread not start with you wanting sex and then neglecting her?

what the hell man...

NewPlanNewMan · 2014-12-13T02:38:07+00:00

This isn't gonna end well. If you don't wanna Fuck your wife, your not in love with her. It's never gonna work. Your killing the clock. Look at what it's doing to your family.

If that's not gonna change, then you gotta be the Asshole and leave. You both deserve to be happy. So do your kids. And your dogs.

She'll never fully submit. If she was in love with you, she would from time to time. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but your kids don't deserve to be collateral damage in your War of the sexes.

Title	Help, I think I'm doing it wrong
Author	alphabeta49
Upvotes	7
Comments	38
Date	December 13, 2014 12:57 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2p4rh0/help_i_think_im_doing_it_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/help-i-think-im-doing-it-wrong.202822 https://theredarchive.com/post/202822

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