So I'm older and I've yo-yoed through-out my life with my confidence and looks. I started out as a hard case, in my teens and early twenties I used to get called "Napoleon Dynamite" often because of my hair, glasses, and awkward demeanor, that was when I first read up on seduction and set out to improve myself and my dating life.

I've had eras in my life where I was "on", things were going my way, I looked good, and felt good, and was getting attention. Then I also have had flop eras, year-long dry spells, could just tell none of the women I was meeting were into me.

Now I'm 35, got dumped after two years last winter, living with parents, hair looking like a mad scientist, wearing essentially pajamas at all times, depressed etc. I've had a really good stroke of luck lately and landed a good job in the city. I ran out, got a haircut, bought a couple nice outfits, and boy has the world been treating me different.

Anyway, seeing as looksmaxxing and focusing on appearance is really big now I thought I'd share my thoughts on the so-called "glow up"

Observations:

  1. Appearance matters a lot, but most of it is in your control to change.

I know we're tired of hearing "just go the gym bro", but I will tell you that I have found that there is a threshold for me with weight where women are/aren't attracted to me, and it's right about the point I get a double chin. That's my canary in the coal mine. I am not winning any strongman contests, I just stay active, try to watch what I eat, and don't let my face get fat.

Clothes and a hair cut can absolutely transform how you're perceived. It's not always about looking "good" per se, but rather communicating that you're a serious person. I certainly would have fumbled that job interview if I just walked in looking like I've been unemployed for six months sitting around in my underwear playing skyrim (which might be true but they don't need to know that or even be able to picture it).

I used to really hate clothes shopping, but you need to take your time and build a wardrobe that complements your body and shows you have some sense of style and what looks good/ is presentable.

I literally had some young cashiers flustered when they rang me up which was 100% not happening a few weeks ago when I looked like a slob.

  1. Confidence can be Faked

I always struggled with confidence because I've always been insecure and disliked people with big egos. The thing is, confidence is more similar to the word 'competent' then say vanity. What confidence portrays is comfort that comes from experience.

If you take your car in to the shop to get worked on, do you want a guy with nervous energy who keeps dropping his tools and saying "sorry" over and over? No, you want a guy who knows what he's doing. That's all confidence really is, and it can be faked.

How? Say less. Don't apologize, don't undermine yourself ("I'm not that good", "I'm dumb" etc). You can still be nice and goofy, you just want other people to feel comfortable that you can be trusted to take the lead on things. That's it.

A lot of confidence is just not down-talking or judging yourself. I always remind myself that I'm within my right to exist, that I'm allowed to do xyz, and even if people think I'm weird or dumb, that's not against the law, and I'm not hurting anybody so they are entitled to think what they want, its none of my business.

  1. Location, location, location.
    You very well could be playing on hard more solely due to where you live. When I was staying with my mom in between jobs, there were essentially no single people my age who lived near by. The area is all families and old people.

I also briefly lived in Lake Tahoe, CA, which was fine but wasn't my vibe. I was just working a seasonal job there, but the locals and those who live in the area are usually hardcore fitness people and super outdoorsy. I am not that at all, I like the outdoors, but I'm not the type to go on huge through hikes and camp on my weekends. This made that area very hard for me to find someone I could vibe with.

Now, I'm back in a big city, there are plenty of people around my age who are single, and I'm getting way more attention in person and on the apps.

  1. Cooked Now Doesn't Mean Cooked Forever
    I remember wwatching a documentary about the columbine shooters and someone they interviewed said "We need to stop telling young men that if they're losers now they'll be losers for life". Of course it's an extreme context but that resonated with me.

In my early twenties I had the mentality that I was doomed for being different and that I'd never be desired, remember I told you I got called Napoleon Dynamite constantly. I don't even like the same person these days, you do have to challenge yourself though and push your way out of the comfort zone.

In Conclusion

My real take away is that we are who we seem to be. If I see you in public, and you got bed head, a shirt that looks like your mom bought it for you from Target years ago, and a pubic beard, I'm going to assume you're down bad, and I'm probably right.

If you get a good haircut, dress in flattering clothes that show taste, and don't look fearful in your eyes, I'm probably going to assume that you're a well-adjusted adult.

Meanwhile, the guy with the pubic beard might be rich working from home in tech, and the well dressed guy could just be a bum who knows how to trick people.

Hopefully you gained something from this, it's my pleasure to share