Those of you from abusive relationships: Why did you stay with her?

AnthonyZarat · 2012-12-27T15:17:32+00:00

My ex-GF was incredibly violent, posessive, and abusive. She assaulted me whenever she felt threatened by another woman (for example, if the bank teller who took my depost was young and/or attractive).

Every time I attempted to leave I was immediately threatened with false rape and/or false domestic violence.

When I packed my bags, my ex-GF would immediately pick up the phone and say "if you leave me, you are going to jail ... do you want to go to jail today?"
If I persisted, my ex-GF would grab the phone, smash the phone against her own lips, and say "do you think anyone will believe you NOW?"

I lived in a one-party state (Florida), but I eventually rigged the apartment with recording equipment, and got her threats on tape. I packed my bags and left the next day.

Why next day? This was 2000, there were no digital recorders, and my recorder made an audible "click" when the tape ran out. I had to arrange for a "tension ramp up" to get the recordings, followed by a "tension ramp down" to get her out of the house so that the recording was not discovered (I think it was a 3 hour tape). With the much superior technology availabl today, every man should make a habit of recording every tense conversation with a woman ... including in situations like joint business partnerships (false accusations are a strategic means for women to expel a male business partner and obtain sole control). Without a recording, courts will always believe the woman ... this makes audio/visual recording the most important ally for every man.

When I left, she called the police and falsely accused me of domestic violence. I have no idea how badly she beat herself up before calling the police. When they arrived to arrest me, I showed them the tape, and even though secret recordings are illegal in Florida, they dropped the case and I was free of her forever. Since the evidence of false accusation was illegal (and non-admissible in court), she was also not charged with anything.

I have no idea why men are so reluctant to rigg a household with recording equipment. It took me ~12 months of thinking about it before I finally did it ... and many men never even get that far. In virtually every situation where men and women are in conflict, the tape recording is the man's best friend. Quite simply, without a tape recording, the courts will believe whatever the woman says. Even MRAs, who KNOW that what I am saying is true, will often delay inexcusably before bringing in the audio/video equipment. My advice is, buy the equipment before you even get into a relationship. The dynamics will make it much harder for you to defend yourself later. I can't explain it, but I know it first hand. Once the violence starts, a $300 online purchase and 30 minute installation job will seem like an impossible task.

jackfreeman · 2012-12-27T13:04:08+00:00

I'll start-

My ex-wife took advantage of my naivete and genuine love for her, she would hold me emotionally hostage over anything that she wanted to get her way with, and even though I am twice her size, she would strike me in the face and belittle me in front of anyone that showed any sort of interest in me, regardless of who it was. I wanted her to love me, and I couldn't stop loving her.

Until I did.

crazyex · 2012-12-27T15:42:18+00:00

I took my marriage vows seriously. In addition, I was almost certain she would win custody if I filed for divorce.

Lohengren · 2012-12-27T17:14:46+00:00

I know of a guy in a mens group i attended years ago who stayed with his violent partner just so he could somehow protect his children from her violence.

He would effectively take her beatings, so she simply would not have any energy left to abuse the kids. He was a sad and distraught man from years and years of abuse, and we were the first guys he ever told about it.

He said, after a while he could tell the way she put her purse on the kitchen table, whether or not he had to go take a beating from her, and he would plead with her to just not beat him in front of the kids.

Very sad situation, and this man is still with her because he feels its the only way he can truly protect his kids from her violence.

2012-12-27T16:29:20+00:00

Kids make excellent hostages. Just ask the ex...

AgentJ139 · 2012-12-27T18:18:26+00:00

Physical, From throwing things to being stabbed on multiple occasions with everything from a broken light bulb to screwdrivers, Emotionally due to the fact that I was demeaned on daily basis, and had my bank account drained. ( I worked 2 full time jobs, and saw very little of it). I was a basic slave and work horse. I married her because I loved her. Stayed because her mother was a divorce lawyer. In the end I caught her with another man in bed, and she after throwing a fit and pushing me down a set of stairs (broke 3 ribs and my shoulder) had me arrested because I "scared" her with my anger at catching her. (note the non specific nature of her fear). In the end, with her mothers help, I was left with next to nothing, having to start over from basically scratch. her argument for cheating, Here's the kicker. I was never around, But if I didnt bring in the money, I was beaten and berated more for not allowing her all the comforts she wanted. She wanted her cake and eat it too, and in the end she got it all. 6 years later I have just about recovered financially and have become an advocate for abused men, and actively fight for equality in the court room.

buster2209 · 2012-12-27T19:28:33+00:00

I didn't even think it was abuse until something in me one day just decided that if I have to spend one more minute with her, well, I was going to be in prison for 25 to life. It took me a further year after that voraciously reading about feminism, mens rights, family court, etc, etc before I realised that she was the poster child for hostile dependency. What was a particular problem of mine is that I was brought up by mother with a sister and was never taught that women can be just as shitty as guys.

2012-12-27T21:34:01+00:00

I was classically co-dependent from childhood (alcoholic father and bipolar mother), so I later learned I was not only predisposed to pick an abusive woman, but I was the kind of person a bully would choose for a mate.

I stayed for more than one reason. I stayed because I had a hyper-inflated sense of loyalty (see co-dependent, above). I figured that I swore an oath to her and God, and I didn't care if it killed me. Once I make a promise, that's it.

I stayed because for a decade there was a creeping, imperceptible escalation of mental abuse before the physical abuse ever started. These women (and men) know what they're doing. They don't just wake up and punch you in the face. They spend years convincing you that you're the kind of person who deserves to be punched in the face.

I stayed because I looked at the kids and thought, "Can you deal with being emotionally and physically abused so my kids have a two-parent family?" It was sick thinking, but you asked why.

And then the games begin. When she slapped me across the face so hard it stung, I thought, "That's it. I'm gone." And an hour turns into six turns into a day and you think, "Is a little slap worth giving up all this? Besides, she's probably sorry." And you know deep in your soul you're absolutely unlovable, because after 10 years of being told so you actually believe it, and so the pain of never being loved again becomes worse than the pain of abusive love. You think, "At least someone loves me."

And when the next slap came, it was easier for both of us. It was easier for her because she'd gotten away with it, and it was easier for me because I hadn't left the first time, so in essence I'd given her permission to do it again. Besides, I thought at the time, "This is what I deserve."

After that, you stop thinking. You shut down. You survive hour by hour and stop looking up.

For a man, the psychological damage is excruciating. After she hit me, she'd say that if I were any sort of man it wouldn't have hurt at all, and she'd scream until spit flew in my face and tell me that no real man would ever let a woman hit him. And that's another reason I couldn't leave: how would I explain it? I couldn't tell anyone she hit me. They would just laugh at me and say "How could a small woman do anything to YOU?!" It would be more humiliating than being punched.

If you're reading this -man OR woman- and your significant other touches you in a way that hurts, it's not your fault. You're good and smart and funny and cuddly and adorable, and someone will love you again who doesn't touch you like that. Leave. Leave now.

EpicJ · 2012-12-27T15:02:05+00:00

Not me but an old co-worker who had married a woman who would show up at work and hit him/throw things around said he stayed with her because no other woman would love him basically he had been single most of his life and she was the first to show interest and I guess in his mind being in an abusive relationship was better than being alone.

blueoak9 · 2012-12-27T16:41:28+00:00

Because of my kid.

My ex was emotionally abusive in ways she would never have seen as abusive. Very controlling. Gender stereotypes came into play; I was expected to just suck up all her emotional roller-coaster shit and I was a thug and a brute if I tried to call her on her gaslighting.

carchamp1 · 2012-12-27T20:53:20+00:00

Why am I still staying with her? So I can be with my kid and have access to my earnings and savings. So-called "family" law is the #1 enabler of abusive women.

Coinin · 2012-12-27T19:55:51+00:00

Hasn't happened to me (yet, never I hope) but the closest example is a friend of mine's parents. Her mother used to beat her father, and their children, badly, up to the point where she was beaten with an iron bar one day.

She grew up in Ireland during the 80s so leaving your partner was practically impossible, female on male DV was unheard of and men taking custody in a separation simply didn't happen.

Eventually he left (they're separated now) but I know that at some point she accused him of domestic abuse and tried to press charges. It ended when her kids found out and turned up in court to tell the truth. Needless to say she backed down sharpish and the issue was never raised again.

ilovenotohio · 2012-12-27T21:21:11+00:00

Verbal, mental and (sometimes) physical.

The sex was really, really wonderful. She was far prettier than anyone I had ever dated, so I thought that I'd never be able to do better. She is a great mother to her children, just treats her partners poorly.

I ended up leaving, though. Too unhappy with myself to continue (but really miss the sex).

r_rships_account · 2012-12-29T01:06:58+00:00

Hope.

amazinguser · 2012-12-27T21:09:48+00:00

Hardcore white knight syndrome. We were high school sweethearts. She came from a shitty household and I thought I could save her from it.

High school relationship was fine, no real abuse or manipulation, but when she went to college about 45 minutes away things started to change. I started to get suspicious that she was cheating on me, which I found out years later she was, and she would start to manipulate me into feeling guilty for my suspicion. She would drop little hints here and there that I was not quite good enough for her, and then in separate conversations would mention how so-and-so had this thing that she said I lacked earlier. She never directly referred to it, she just let me put the pieces together, and I slowly started to hate myself.

I stayed because the sex was amazing- she was a freak- and because I thought I could sacrifice a bit of my personal happiness to help her out of a bad situation. We ended up getting married when she sabotaged the condoms we were using and she got pregnant. Once I married her, all of the crazy came out. Shouting, degrading, no physical abuse, though she threatened to report me for spanking my son, though she did it far more forcefully than I did.

Then came the drugs. And the affair(s). And the rape allegations, not against me, but false police reports filed to get attention and to cover up the pregnancy from her affair.

When I found proof that she had flown to another country to meet a guy she had met online, under the guise of flying to see her best friend who had moved, I filed for divorce.

Honestly, I thought I loved her. I stayed with her through school because of the whole white knight bit, but I stayed with her after that because I became convinced I couldn't do any better.

I learned later that I missed out on several extremely hot women in our physics department because of our relationship (one payed her way through college by working at Hooters, getting a BS in Physics). Big regret.

Sarstan · 2012-12-27T22:03:01+00:00

I had a couple of psychologically abusive relationships in my teens (which is probably unfair to bring up). Stayed with them because I didn't feel like I'd find anyone else back then.
My last relationship that went bad was with a young woman that couldn't keep her interests with just me. She was constantly displaying herself online to others, not to mention all sorts of dirty messages. All of these guys knew she was in a relationship and she reveled in it.
Ultimately I stayed for a similar reason as above: I never thought I'd find someone else. After we broke up, I changed a lot about myself, especially my mentality. I told myself I'd find a girl to go out with and I was going to have fun, no matter if she was enjoying it or not. I found someone a week later. We went out one night and I cracked jokes, said what I wanted, and didn't even consider if she liked it or not. Turned out she had a blast and today that woman is my wife of several years.

Not sure how common it is for other guys (I'd imagine pretty common), but there's always other options. Don't hold onto a bad relationship because you think you can't find someone else.

Knight_of_Malta · 2012-12-27T23:54:27+00:00

Most men stay in abusive relationships because society has conditioned them to believe that they are the problem, and that the woman is justified in all of her behavior.

That's how I felt anyways.

rightsbot · 2012-12-27T13:02:19+00:00

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THESHITISTHIS · 2012-12-28T00:51:44+00:00

I, personally, stayed in one because I didn't recognize the signs of abuse. She would break up with me roughly every week, even multiple times. Through the course of the relationship I was broken up with over 40-50 times. About half of those times I was broken up with and left for someone else.

She would be constantly hold/cold. She just played with my emotions a lot and everything was always my fault. If she had a bad day, her frustrations would be taken out on me. She couldn't differ between being in a bad mood, and being in a bad mood because she was unhappy with our relationship. So the latter was to go to fault for her bad moods. Which would lead to her breaking up with me.

She also needed attention 24/7. I couldn't hangout with my friends without her getting angry. She'd get become upset and withdrawn if I didn't text back soon enough. Just was overall a very needy and wishy-washy person. I'm glad I'm done with that. It was completely emotionally exhausting. Mental abuse is a terrible thing.

She also cheated on me several times. She constantly lied about her whereabouts. Wouldn't stop talking to her ex boyfriends. She cheated on both of them as well.

I'm a complete idiot for staying in that relationship. I did learn many valuable lessons though.

Title	Those of you from abusive relationships: Why did you stay with her?
Author	jackfreeman
Upvotes	23
Comments	58
Date	December 27, 2012 1:01 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/15imv8/those_of_you_from_abusive_relationships_why_did/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/those-of-you-from-abusive-relationships-why-did.1005673 https://theredarchive.com/post/1005673

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