Was told to post this here: I know it's not manly to complain, but I feel like my life has been taken away from myself...

Illiux · 2012-08-30T08:52:18+00:00

Realize this. The majority of women in your current dating pool arent seriously looking to marry. They are still prioritizing fun over marriage. As they get older, priorities change and what they want in a man change. Stability, being able to handle your business, and being a good father will become eminently more important than looking cool and being exciting. Women start looking for a partner instead of a toy. A woman like this wont flinch at you having a kid. It may even help your chances if she sees you are a devoted father.

Be as involved with this kid as the mother will let you. He is yours and he will be with you forever. This is a good thing. With your love and guidance he will grow to be a man you are proud of.

Your life is not over. It is just different from how you envisioned. You can find great happiness, but nothing is free. You have to work for it and most of all be patient.

Nothing good lasts. Nothing bad lasts. The only constant is change. Accept this. Endure the hardships and treasure the joy you find. Good luck.

Drainedsoul · 2012-08-30T09:10:56+00:00

You're not selfish; her choice should not dictate your life, just as yours should not dictate hers.

Froztwolf · 2012-08-30T12:23:32+00:00

I'm shutting down, becoming depressed and ALMOST suicidal.

I strongly urge you to seek a counselor or therapist if you aren't seeing one already. Your post is colored by your depression more than anything else.

Men in your situation that have been able to lead happy lives and seek out further relationships, but if you let the depression fester, it will never allow you to do that and could bring you worse things. If you are willing to admit on a public forum that you are almost suicidal, I can only assume that you've contemplated it. Seek help now!

Drainedsoul · 2012-08-30T09:24:36+00:00

While you may resent your son's mother for doing this to you, remember it was the state that did this to you.

Remember that when you vote. Your dissatisfaction, your fractured life, that's what the state does to people.

squideath · 2012-08-30T07:00:04+00:00

With the family stuff i'd make sure she knows you want to see the son more if she doesn't know that already, explain to her that you want to be the version of the father you always wanted to be. Depending on the relationship between you and the girl this could open the doors to seeing your son. I mean you've got a family now if you want to be a bigger part of his life bust your arse to do buddy. as for yourself i'm not sure what you are like but personally getting outdoors has really helped me with issues in the past, gardening, hikes, camping, etc. Realising the beauty of the world around us can really help put things in perspective sometimes when we strip all the BS away. I grew up kinda out in the country and have done a bit of time in the shearing sheds. The biggest shock for me was the difference in the men between their homes (where the girls and family was) and in the sheds. In the sheds anything went, literally, it was a fair eye opener as a young man. However as soon as they went home to the family things changed, they didn't even swear in front of the family, ying and yang man. That was the first time i realised that there comes a point in most peoples life where you have to do a balancing act. It's not always gonna go the way you want it to but you can make find ways to have fun amongst the duties. best of luck with it tiger.

burritosandbeer · 2012-08-30T13:30:39+00:00

I know I'm selfish, but damnit my life is no longer my own. My dreams are dead.

You are absolutely, unequivocally, 100% not selfish for wanting to control your own destiny. If you need to vent more, I'm available in PM.

2012-08-30T10:32:42+00:00

I think men generally have to make a choice in life about whether they are going to go into middle/old age playing the field and travelling as a lifelong bachelor, or rather saving and building a future family man life with one woman. It's a tough choice, and a lot of guys try to do both and fuck it up miserably with cheating, heartbreak, divorce, and then loneliness.

Now understand that what has happened to you is horrible and fucked up. And it does not mean that from now on you can never settle down with someone (because of money and history and everything else). I really believe that is not the case at all, and you could pretty much go on dating as if none of this shit ever happened and most girls (once you revealed the truth down the line) couldn't care less - after all, it's not like you're looking after the child or anything.

But the positive way I see it is that genetically speaking you are already a success even though this turd of a human has stolen your money and is raising your son. You have passed on your genes and justified your existence on the planet with no further intervention necessary. It's a win. Your lifelong goal, the technical reason you were born, is complete.

But that doesn't mean it's the end. What it does mean is that in a way you are philosophically free to live that playing/travelling lifestyle with a clean conscience and without some of the psychological baggage that would plague others who wanted to do that but didn't because they still wanted to have a house or child down the line.

It's a matter of perspective. Seeing as you can't actually change what happened, and as cheesy as it sounds, it's now up to you to choose between a shitty way of looking at it that is going to leave you depressed, or a positive way of looking at it that can clean your (metaphorical) soul and give you a daily joy worth looking forward to.

If what happened to you happened to me, I'd be saying fuck it - work shitty jobs, save my money, go travelling all the time, and fuck everything with legs (paid or not) until one day I was dead. I would make it a life worth living and have stories worth telling rather than acting as if my life was already over.

newaccountnumber500 · 2012-08-30T13:13:06+00:00

The only way you can get out of this mess is to organize with other men and actively campaign for the male pill, equal custodial rights, fair child support etc

... that is literally your only hope. But at least its something to aim for. Equality, a new dream.

virgilwarbug · 2012-08-30T13:35:36+00:00

i'm in a situation where i moved too fast with a girl who told me (and her mother told me) could not get pregnant and lo and behold, a baby. i'm 24 now, he's 10 months old. when she was 5 months pregnant i found out that she was having drugs delivered to the house i'd bought us while i was at work. after confronting her and offering help, she moved in with her mom who bought the story that i was the drug-addicted violent asshole. anyway.

the past year and a half of my life or more has been absolutely insane. i have my son full time now only because she got in a car accident with him and though she says that was due to "a seizure", she checked herself into rehab anyway.

all i can say is... since all this, i've been totally celibate, i've been stood up, i've been rejected, i've been lonely, i've been overwhelmed, and i've shuddered and cried at the idea that this whore of a woman will be in my and my son's lives... forever.

but i'm doing it all for him. i have fought my ass off and paid huge sums of money to legally fight for him. i am broke. my parents are helping me out. but god damn if i'll let my son be raised or influenced by the trash that is his mother.

i have lost most of my friends, i have no social life yet, i'm stuck in my 9-5 office job that i figured i'd leave to go finish college but now i have to maintain for sake of financial stability. i can't travel, i can't move more than 25 miles from her, i've given up a lot. i've felt ashamed and hopeless and frustrated and depressed.

but it's all for him. and i'm lucky to have this amount of access to him. since you don't, you're in a position where your life is being stolen from you and you don't get the reward of your child's smile, of playing with him, caring for him, feeding him, bathing him, wiping his shitty ass... that's where you're stuck.

VerySpecialSnowflake · 2012-08-30T15:01:04+00:00

If you are in your early to mid twenties you have a good 10 years, give or take, of fucking around and having fun until you find the love of your life. When you do, she will love you and your son.

2012-08-30T15:13:06+00:00

Head on over to r/trees man. Seriously.

typhonblue · 2012-08-30T19:48:04+00:00

My dreams are dead. I know my son's mother is technically in the same position

If two people drive to a destination but only one of them does so at gun point, are they really 'in the same position'?

McFeely_Smackup · 2012-08-30T20:53:40+00:00

Vasectomy...it's the gift that keeps on giving.

southernasshole · 2012-08-31T15:45:59+00:00

You're not selfish, in the least, you're a slave.

You shouldn't be depressed though, YOU SHOULD BE PISSED.

You get one life, don't waste it under the boot of the system and that evil bitch who enslaved you.

ANEPICLIE · 2012-08-30T12:30:31+00:00

“Not manly to complain”??

WTF? Even if you’d said “to whine” or something, which you probably meant… Fuck that rule!

Yes, in public. Offline.

But not in private, among friends! (And yes, this here counts as that.)

rightsbot · 2012-08-30T06:36:16+00:00

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Title	Was told to post this here: I know it's not manly to complain, but I feel like my life has been taken away from myself...
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	64
Comments	60
Date	August 30, 2012 6:34 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/z2dtb/was_told_to_post_this_here_i_know_its_not_manly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/was-told-to-post-this-here-i-know-its-not-manly-to.1014680 https://theredarchive.com/post/1014680

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