Goldilocks and the Three Cunty Friends.

So, having previously discussed the Perils of the Fat Ugly Friend, we now move on to a more venomous snake, the Cunty Friend.

Your girl has at least one and probably a couple. The cunty friend is nearly always bitterly unhappy in her own life, or, at a minimum, doesn’t want anybody to be happier than she is. She’s also typically a uber-feminist, if not a man-hater, but she’s definitely bad news. She will act under the guise of looking out for your girl’s best interests, but she really isn’t. She’s trying to wreck things. She is the most crabby of Bucket Crabs.

Too Hot – When Your Girl Believes the BS

So I had a gf several years ago who had two BFFs. One, who was happily married, told her flat out, “Men like Vaz do not grow on trees. You need to do whatever it takes to keep him.” Her other BFF already had two divorces by age 25 – and in both cases it was the guy who bailed. Think that over. At that age, all she had to do was be half-way attractive and reasonably cooperative. It’s not that difficult. Her name was “Roxanne” and I would call her “Toxic Roxy”. She was forever pouring poison in my girl’s ear about me. Just various things that were obviously bullshit.

This was actually an LDR (but not an exclusive one, so nobody freak out) and fun while it lasted, but near the end I would have this conversation too much:

Her: “Roxanne says you…{some bullshit allegation}”

Me: “Well that’s not true, because {facts}”

Her: “Roxanne says you…{some other bullshit allegation}”

Me: “Well that’s also not true, because {more facts}”

Her: “You always…”

Me: “First, tell Roxanne to shut up. Second….”

Toxic Roxy was unhappy in her own life and didn’t want to be the last single girl in her friend group. I laid all this out for the gf, and also said, “Who do you think you should rely on for relationship advice? Your happily married friend or the two-time loser?”

It was a fun ride, but doomed because I wasn’t going to survive having to play defense all the time. We broke up and then she started dating some new guy that Toxic Roxy had been pushing the whole time the gf and I were dating. Then the ex-gf rings me: “Guess who she hates now?!” The new guy had been Prince Charming when he was the alternative to me, but once he became the incumbent? Then Toxic Roxy viewed him as the “competition” and suddenly everything he did was wrong. Me: “Hmm. If only you had someone who told you all about what a snake Roxy is and why…that would have been great, no?”

Too Cold – When Your Girl Pretends It’s Not Happening.

I dated a girl at uni whose roommate, who was sort of a short, squat, lumpy lesbian, was madly in love with her. That was problematic for the roommate, because she didn’t have a cock, and Carli was straight, and wouldn’t have gone for a short, squat, lumpy guy, either. The fact that I was (and am) exactly the type of guy that the roommate would hate: jock, in a fraternity, mildly sexist, and (worst of all) who was actually fucking her roommate, only made her hate me more.

It wasn’t all that bad other than I would get the rundown when I would pick Carli up about how the roommate hated me and how she said that Carli should “Positively, Definitely NOT Have Sex With Him!” to which I would chuckle and say “I think you should ‘Positively, Definitely’ give me some road head,” as we drove back to my place where we “Positively, Definitely” did not had sex.

So Carli just pretended that the roommate didn’t have the lesbo-hots for her, which I understand as she had to live with her. I had a policy where I would be polite to the roommate when she was polite to me, and a dick to her when she was a dick to me. Ex. I was at their flat once while Carli was getting dressed – she had gotten back late from working out and wasn’t ready yet, so she let me in and then hopped in the shower.

The roommate started in on me, and so I interrupted her: “Let’s get something STRAIGHT here…you know ‘man to man’…you don’t have a dick, and I’m not going away. So take the ‘L’ and find some other girl for the box lunch.”

Roommate: [seething.]

Carli came out of the shower, naked. The roommate told me to wait outside.

Me [to the roommate]: “Are you on drugs? You know I see Carli naked all the time, right? And we’re going back to my place to FUCK, right?” To Carli [who had just toweled off and was starting to get dressed]: “Babe, you’re not going to need panties.”

The roommate made some sort of strangled animal cry in frustration and ran from the room in tears. Carli: “That wasn’t very nice.” Me: “Oh, no, no, we get along fine. She loves me. And I love her. Y’know…when she’s not being a cunt. Which, sadly, is most of the time. But whose fault is that?” /grin

Anyway, Carli continuously ignored the roommate’s desires, and eventually just de facto moved into my place for most of my senior year, and then I graduated and moved on.

Just Right – When Your Girl Gets What’s Going On.

So the current incumbent OLTR also has a cunty friend, who is also a mega-bitch feminist and fierce proponent of the child free” lifestyle – I’m ok with that last part but what you don’t do is go on screeds at your friends when they (or their partners) get pregnant (on purpose, I mean.) That is actually one of her more endearing qualities.

So the FF (Feminist Friend) would every opportunity to trash talk me. My favorite was her telling Holly “If you move in with him he probably won’t even let you go outside!”

Me: “I probably won’t. And you’re going to be naked a lot. And collared.”

(Note: Holly knows how I am, and she’s down, because that’s exactly what she wants.)

So Holly froze her out. Froze. Her. Out. Told her that is she was going to trash talk me, then they weren’t going to be friends anymore, the end. So the cunty friend held out for about a week, and then relented. She doesn’t say shit about me now, but is getting eased out because Holly figured out that she’s a shitty friend for other reasons – also a characteristic of the cunty friend. They are inherently selfish.

Takeaways

-Recognize the Cunty Friend for what she is.

-When she moves against you, point out what’s happening, but don’t engage.

-If your girl buys into the BS, then the clock is winding down. Put a few more miles on her and get out.

-You can get by with the “Ignorance is Bliss” girl, but the “A” answer is the girl who tells the Cunty Friend to STFU. Ultimately, it’s up to her to police the Cunty Friend.