Disclaimer: In this post I will talk about the book Normal People by Sally Rooney, the spoilers won't be so important, but if you mind them, don't continue to read. Also this is a book about the queen of all pickmeisha land, it's hurtful and deep if you can identify your own past behaviours (my case), and this is not a book recommendation at all.

Well, in my FDS level up journey one of the things that got to me was the stance on BDSM. I never practiced the whole BDSM thing but I used to believe I was into choking, light spanking, name-calling, etc. I used to think that it was a FDS exaggeration, we all have our own likes and dislikes, yada yada yada.

It took me time, self-reflection, therapy and a healthier (and FDSer) approach to relationships to understand the seriousness and truth behind rule #8. It's as simples as knowing that when someone loves and respects you, they won't treat you that way AND they will make an effort to arouse you properly WITHOUT VIOLENCE. And it will feel so much better, you'll never feel disgusted or wrong afterwards. It looks simples to understand but violence is so normalized that, at least for me, this was so hard to internalize!

Which brings me to the quote that got me thinking and that I would like to share. Context: The main character is a woman that doesn't love herself and, therefore, doesn't believe she is worth of being loved by others. At a point, she starts telling the men she involves herself with that she likes violence in sex and they all happily agree to abuse her. When she finally allowed herself to acknowledge the fear and humiliation and she leaves one of those man, she thinks to herself:

“Could he really do the gruesome things he does to her and believe at the same time that he’s acting out of love? Is the world such an evil place, that love should be indistinguishable from the basest and most abusive forms of violence?”

And that's it. Love shouldn't be interchangeable with violence or abuse. Porn, hook-up culture and the patriarchy in general taught us that, but it's EXTREMELY important that we open our eyes and stop believing this is even okay, let alone something that you would WANT.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.