Be kind guys. Marriage is not easy and the whole thing is stressing me out. Reading all the posts in here, my heart really goes out to all of you. Stay strong!

I tend to over explain things but I'll try to keep it as short as I can. Hopefully writing this will be therapeutic for me.

So my wife has been threatening divorce pretty consistently over our 20+ year marriage but more seriously over the last 5 or 6 years. I am almost convinced that she suffers from bpd , cptsd and an insecure attachment style. At the very least (if not diagnose) she is for sure very high on the bpd spectrum. Anyone familiar with pbd can imagine the details that I'm leaving out.

It has been a roller coaster ride: the good moments were amazing and the bad is really bad. There has been at least one major online affair on her part, possibly more. The nagging, name calling, gas lighting and walking on eggs shells is almost unbearable now. We always had a good sex life but even that has not been there for several months now.

I've mostly just been patient for the sake of the kids and I still had some hope the good moments "would last". But not so much anymore.

These days there is hardly any good moments. if there is a good moment it won't last more than few hours and is quickly followed by misery.

About 3 years ago she was really threatening to leave but then she accidentally got pregnant. She calmed down a bit during the pregnancy and afterwords. Now my son is 2 years old and she has become more abusive and has started her plans to leave again. I'm not going to try to convince her to stay. I've had enough.

We are Canadian but have been living overseas in Asia for the last 4 years. A small part of moving here ( in the back of mind) was that if she does leave it may be easier. Like I would have more rights or options if I'm not in Canada. But I'm not sure if that is even true.

She has already applied for low income housing back home (Ontario) and contacted a few shelters. She plans to take off as soon as she gets approved. I initially found this out by accident but she later confirmed and asked me what my plans are when she leaves with all the kids.

It really came as a shock. I honestly don't have any real plans and don't know what to do.

She has been trying to build her own online business for several years now but it hasn't really become profitable. She doesn't share what she makes but its for sure under a thousand dollars per month profit. She doesn't spend any of the money she earns. I support her expenses and all our family expenses with my income.

And she has about 20k saved (what I know of). She spends daily time working on her business and sometimes i end up having to watch the kids and I have to compromise my work as well.

Recently she has been very interested in our finances and making copies of stuff which I can only assume is to prepare for some kind of divorce settlement.

I work from home and have my own online business which makes maybe 75k (and I'm hardly taxed over here) but I am supporting a family with 4 kids and even with a lower cost of living in Asia there is nothing left at the end of the month. I have some savings semi-hidden (which I saved from when my business was doing better several years ago.)

She knows of it but I never told her the real amount or exactly where it is. (Right now it's mostly with a relative in Canada, safety deposit box).

It includes some cash and gold and silver. About 150K. I did that as a backup plan because she has been talking about divorce for so many years now. I also have maybe 25 k in my business account and another 10k in my personal account. I don't have any debts or anything. Or assets for that matter. I don't own a house or anything of significant value besides a couple of cars which I will sell before moving from this country.

I am also really afraid of getting divorce raped.

I want to pay minimal alimony and pay child support on my own terms and avoid court costs if at all possible.

I've never worked for anyone in the last 20 years. I have had a few small businesses through out our marriage. i have never been a high earner with the exception of a few years back in 2016-2017

Now my business has a loss for the last 2 years ( when I take out my salary ) but recently things look like they may he picking up.

Not like there is too much but I can probably manipulate my earnings a bit and I'll probably close the company when I move from here.

Thanks for reading all this!

**Now for my questions**

  1. When she leaves with the 4 kids should I follow her back to Canada right away? Or Should I wait a while? For how long? (I have to eventually go back because I want to be part of my kids lives).

  1. How can I prepare myself financially and emotionally? I am thinking damage control. Of course living with out my kids, (especially the baby ( he's so cute and precious)) is devastating .

  2. Do i have any chance to get custody of the kids?

  3. Can she file if I am out of the country?

  4. Will I be divorce raped in Canada? Ie: crazy legal fees and will I have to eternally pay majority of my income to her?

  5. If I lose my job will I still have to pay?

  6. How long will the whole process take from the moment she leaves and files?

  7. Will the court find my hidden savings?

9)Any actionable advice that I can do now to document stuff or to prepare myself financially.

  1. What about emotionally, how do I get through it all?

Thanks for taking the time to read all this.

I'd love to hear any other insights that you think may help in my situation.

Best wishes to all of you.