I like the idea of dating but I don’t want to have sex. I feel uncomfortable talking about way.

hensbanex · 2021-12-01T17:05:49+00:00

I don’t think you’re ready to be out there dating yet, which 100% isn’t a bad thing. That’s hugely traumatic and it will definitely take a ton of time to work through it and heal. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

arnezuara · 2021-12-01T17:15:57+00:00

My god, I am so sorry you went through something so traumatizing.

If you are not sure of the new guy, I suggest you block and delete. Block and delete your ex everywhere and anywhere you may think of, as well.

The new guy might have done something for you to doubt him — your body and subconscious are telling you that he’s not right for you.

Remember, you can take as much time to get intimate with a partner as you need, be it one year or the whole duration of the relationship itself. As bad as this may sound, it does not matter what your suitor wants or needs, if that makes you uncomfortable.

You did what was right by cutting him off. Cut anyone off, if that is what you need to do to protect yourself and foster a steady recovery process.

Do not put yourself back into dating for some time, if you do not feel ready at the moment. Right now, you need to put all the focus back on yourself and your health.

Best of luck! Hugs 💛

bepbep747 · 2021-12-01T17:59:38+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that nightmare. Before dating again I would highly recommend a good trauma informed therapist. What's going on with your ex sounds like it's still an active situation. Is there any way to get a restraining order without having to actually see him in court?

I was abused under the guise of a "BDSM" and "swinger" lifestyle with my predatory ex. On a side note I have struggled with substance abuse issues and it took me a long time in therapy and 12 step recovery to come to terms with my past trauma. I stayed single during the first year of getting help and took my time in getting back into dating. My relationship with myself takes first priority and it can take a while of being alone to heal sometimes. Today I'm happily married and I chose a man who is very vanilla, doesn't have a high libido, and respects my low sex drive. My experience is one of the reasons I feel like a lot of predators use the social acceptance of "kink" and BDSM to engage in abuse and exploitation.

esvle · 2021-12-01T18:20:26+00:00

Just FYI, I think you can get a temporary restraining order against your ex with no interaction. You may see him if you go to court to request an extension of the protection order. Your local DV service can give you better information than I can, of course.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-01T18:13:30+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you sis!! You’re not ready to date and that’s okay, take as much time as you need. Take care of yourself as well! Find non-sex related self-love tips and work your way up. It’s not the end of the world if you never have sex again!! Maybe you can foster a dog to get the physical love. We’ve got you!

GlitterLoveAngel · 2021-12-01T20:25:22+00:00

Honestly, I feel like you need to realize that if you don’t want to have sex then you absolutely are not obligated to.

It may seem selfish for prioritizing yourself and having firm boundaries but in reality, it’s really just self respect and care for your overall well-being. Especially from your trauma, you have every reason to not engage in something you don’t want to.

Does this mean you can’t be in relationships? Absolutely not. I feel like a bunch of people think that a relationship can’t survive without sex but that’s just straight up wrong and even harmful in some cases. It’s not your duty to please your boyfriend while you get nothing in return just for the sake of keeping him. That is not love.

A man who truly loves and cares for you will not pressure you into doing something that will harm you mentally and physically and will love you for you, not for what you can offer in bed.

Asexuality also exists and I suggest you look into that.

I hope you do heal your past wounds and continue to go to therapy. You can even give a call to 1-800-656-4673 if you’re in extreme distress and need someone to talk to with what you faced in the past. You can also chat with them if you prefer that instead of calling them. You definitely didn’t deserve what happened to you. I wish you the best and hope you heal!

Determinedblonde · 2021-12-01T18:13:40+00:00

Why not tell him you like him but need a break for a while because you haven’t recovered from your last relationship? It can be a nice breakup but only temporary so that he knows you still like him. If he wants you, he’ll be okay with it, if he doesn’t wait or gets upset, then you’ve found a LVM.

PenelopePitstop21 · 2021-12-01T20:07:49+00:00

I'm really sorry that you have been betrayed and abused so horribly by your ex.

The new guy really wants to be intimate but I don’t. I don’t know if he is a good long term partner and I don’t feel like reliving the details with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong

If the new guy really wants to be intimate when you don't, he isn't HV. He may not have done anything wrong, but he isn't doing everything right either. He is better than your ex, I am sure - but that isn't hard, your criminally abuse ex set a really low bar!

Are you sure you should be dating right now? It sounds as though you have some things to work through by yourself before you put yourself back out there.

Title	I like the idea of dating but I don’t want to have sex. I feel uncomfortable talking about way.
Author	thelizziepants
Upvotes	134
Comments	11
Date	December 1, 2021 5:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r6jhbw/i_like_the_idea_of_dating_but_i_dont_want_to_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-like-the-idea-of-dating-but-i-dont-want-to-have.1089292 https://theredarchive.com/post/1089292

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