36/f. Have been with my boyfriend (31/m) for two years. We don’t want kids but enjoy more of a traditional relationship.

He doesn’t drink often but when he does his personality does a 180 and he gets very nasty/passive aggressive. This averages lately to a little less than once a month although it may be far more according to his stress level. I hate it when he drinks. We live together and I don’t have anywhere to go. I try not to engage in fights but sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me. He’s never hit me but he becomes belligerent and he takes jokes too far. Last night he grabbed me and held me down and started spanking me. It was cute for ten seconds until I told him to stop and he wouldn’t. I repeatedly asked him to stop and knock it off but he wouldn’t. I was angry afterward and told him so and he said I “didn’t react in the right way”, could have just joked back and he would have stopped.

He is so extremely lovely in some ways and miserable in others. He paid for my dental surgery ($1200) but refuses to even wish me a happy birthday because he thinks they’re stupid. He will give me full body massages whenever I want but nothing for Christmas or Valentine’s Day. He gives what he wants when he wants but doesn’t care about when something is important to me.

He also never talks about our future together. We don’t make plans to do anything. Anytime something is bothering me about our relationship and I try to bring it up (calmly, kindly) he acts as though I’m ripping out his teeth with pliers. He thinks I’m too “hands on” with the relationship and that I’m micromanaging, but I’m only bringing things up that I feel are very important to me.

Am I too sensitive? Please be kind. I’m trying so hard to be a good girlfriend and doing everything I can but I just cannot swallow my feelings and still give my all to this relationship. I did not have a great upbringing. I love him so much and am committed to making things work but I just feel so needy and misunderstood.