When did you knows it was over the idea of divorce just gives me the chills but at this point almost feels like its what i need to do, feeling so unhappy that almost don't want to go home at the end of the day.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-03-23T05:01:20+00:00

Try everything before you get to divorce, but once you do, do it with intention and plan well for it

CityDiscombobulated8 · 2022-03-23T15:52:25+00:00

I knew when I had just moved her mom into our house after my wife’s father died.

While the U-Haul (that I packed up myself and drove 20+ hours) was still sitting in front of our house, my dad was admitted to the hospital with an unknown heart condition.

I told my wife that I need to go see my dad, and all she said is that I can’t because I “might get fired for missing too much work” (wasn’t going to happen). She also had no problem with me taking off work to move her mom or a separate trip to her father’s funeral out of state.

I was sitting at the edge of the bed, begging my wife to show me some humanity and support me, and all she talked about was my paycheck. Then, as tears streamed down my face, she told me I was “being too emotional” and she walked out of the room. Not even a hug.

That was when I realized I was being emotionally abused. I moved out last week and filed for divorce.

Eagleseekr · 2022-03-23T06:48:34+00:00

I read this and copied it from @jillianturecki on Instagram. She is extremely helpful and powerful about relationships.

5 things to consider before you end your relationship...

Tired, not seeing any results...Waiting for things or them to change and there is no ah ha moment and just ultimately stuck in this place of uncertainty...I don't know is it me, her and so much uncertainty and indifference....

As hard as it is now, was your connection once great? Yes, are you committed to making it great again? Are you committed if you don't have the right tools? Without a serious level of commitment do you really want it? Even believe it's possible...
Never exit your unfulfilling relationship until you 100% tell the truth! We tend to check out and disengage and we become in our own ways avoidance of the difficult and necessary conversations. We avoid the tough questions because we believe we aren't wrong. Denial, afraid of rocking the boat, checked out and can't actually leave your relationship and hard to hear, hard to visualize. Your afraid of facing it, hearing it....Until that which has been left unsaid, is said, then you shouldn't leave the relationship with....
Meeting needs...Being able to identify what our needs are and be able to express our needs to our partner. Being able to understand our partners needs and being able to meet their needs. When we get fearful and things aren't going well, we panic, mild or turned up, we get obsessed with getting our needs met, we go into flight or fight, we become, unintentional and obsessed with our needs met. We want to survive and we get connected to our primal needs. We forgot someone else is in this relationship and someone else's needs aren't being met....Can you honestly say what your partners true needs are? In addition to your own needs...Do you really know what motivates your partner? What drives them in life, what gives the meaning? what makes them feel loved, excited, adventurous, whole and fullfilled and what are they most afraid of?

If you really don't know these questions, then it is impossible to meet them and unconsciously we show up as the ways that are comfortable for us personally and it is common for us and we show up in that way. We have to always examine our selfishness in our relationship and a really hard pill for a lot of peeps to swallow. We get selfish in fight or flight and it all about our problems and someone else is hurting too and their needs aren't being met either.

Take a moment...Where your stress has been? Have you unintentionally and have you been depending on your relationship and make you feel good enough and make you happy? Have you made your partner and relationship the one to make you happy? Have you been bringing a less than energy and no energy? Thinking the relationship will save you but you're not doing it.....put all the theories and diagnosis aside...Are you projecting and blaming your partner for these things and you don't feel good anyway. Not feeling quite good enough
Do you see your part in this equation? Can you see your part in the dance that is not working. Can you see your role you play with whatever is not working? Can you take accountability? We get really afaid and we build resentment and resistance and it closes and we get impossible to get in and perhaps you closed and maybe it is really hard for your partner to get to you. Do you really see how much you have hurt as much as you have been hurt?

Dell_Hell · 2022-03-23T14:09:11+00:00

The vast majority who try swinging / open relationships will fail.

Congratulations for adding your name to the long list of arrogant guys who thought it wouldn't happen to them.

You've been replaced.

Learn that there's a damn reason people don't let their wife go fuck other dudes. Inevitably there will be an emotional bond created that doesn't have the baggage of day to day drudgery.

"The community" will never tell you just how many people fail miserably at this - how many marriages die within 2 years of starting, because they don't want to admit how toxic it gets for many people.

Castelino2021 · 2022-03-23T04:58:21+00:00

The patch is going to get rougher...

CRobinsFly · 2022-03-23T05:05:51+00:00

Life is hard sometimes, man. Can you be more specific on what's bothering you, though?

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2022-03-23T11:49:39+00:00

The day she threatened a dead bedroom was the final straw. Moved to the couch, then the basement, then out.

It’s been a rough road, but I am happier and more at peace than I ever have been.

SudetenNachkomme · 2022-03-24T01:51:14+00:00

I knew it was over when the day before our daughter was born (literally hours before we were set to drive to the hospital), she came in to my office and announced she had decided what she wanted me to do in a Sophie’s Choice-situation if there were complications during delivery and I had to decide which of them would live or die, I should choose her. Her reasoning: we could always make another kid, our son needs his mom and I couldn’t be trusted to raise him alone. (We delivered a healthy baby girl at full term not 12 hours after this happened with no complications whatsoever - but even as I held her in my arms I couldn’t stop thinking that her own mother had advocated I just let her die in this bizarre hypothetical drama she had concocted and rationalized out.)

What made it a done deal for me was just a few weeks later she pitched a massive fit in front of our son, was screaming and cursing at me while I tried to keep him calm and distracted, and I had the thought that this type of home life was going to be my children’s perception of normal.

Fuck. That.

Divorced now almost 1.5 years; 50/50 custody and the kids are much healthier and happier for it. It’s been a difficult ride, but for them - I’d go through that meat grinder again in a heartbeat.

Gentlemen: the next time you see red flags in a person you’re dating, and your idealism naively tells you that maybe you can work through them or look past them - kill it dead. It doesn’t work. It only gets worse after you sign the marriage certificate, and the consequences are far more devastating that you can imagine.

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