Throwaway for privacy because of the nature of the question.

A few years ago, I was just learning about fully embracing a feminine role. In my relationship with my boyfriend at the time (now husband), this was a relatively easy and natural thing. But I made a costly blunder with his brother. All 3 of us lived together at the time and split expenses. I had zero experience at being friends with or living with males who are not a romantic partner to me: I was raised by a single mom and a grandma, I have no brothers, and had a few female friends growing up but never any male friends. So living with the brother was a completely foreign territory for me. I really wanted my relationship to go well and thought that being as nice as possible to his brother would only work in my favor. I did not flirt with him, but I did apply the same principles to him - for example, letting him lead in my boyfriend’s absence because he is a man and still somewhat responsible for me… without going too much into detail, some of their friends were entertaining but questionable characters and my boyfriend told me that if he wasn’t there, I should go find his brother rather than be alone with some of them. So I tried to treat him the way I imagined I would treat an older brother if I had one - obedient and submissive, but without any sexuality attached to it.

Over the course of about a year, things got weird. He started touching me a lot, not overtly sexual groping but he got very comfortable touching me in front of my boyfriend, who seemed to get a kick out of making his brother jealous for some reason. He started insisting that I wear my pajamas outside the bedroom and basically let him parade me around (my pajamas were mini slips) just to see the look on his brother’s face. I now know that I should have found some way to not obey my boyfriend in whatever game this was, because in hindsight it was obviously just mean and unsafe, but at the time I was just desperate for his approval. On top of this, I let myself become indebted to his brother when I should not have. He would give me things often (like food and pills). And I let him comfort me after my boyfriend and I fought. I tried not to ask him for anything he didn’t offer, but still, I became way too dependent on his kindness.

So all of this was the breeding ground for one of the worst days of my life. My boyfriend wasn’t there (he was often gone to do stuff with his band) and he tried to kiss me, it went south rapidly. He felt owed physical affection. He said things like “Don’t make me rape you”, “I take care of you as much as he does if not more”, and that is when I realized how big my accumulated mistakes were but it was too late by that point. He forced me and then apologized after. Not a real apology but a justified one (“I’m sorry, I just needed you”).

I told my boyfriend when he got back and he said he would handle it. They fought while I hid in the bathroom and we moved out.

A few years have passed since then. We are married and have a baby daughter. My husband still hung out with his brother but kept him away from me. I avoid family functions if he will be there and I haven’t actually spoken to him since we separated our living situations. Then suddenly one evening my husband says “He is genuinely sorry for what he did to you and it would mean a lot to him if you forgave him, but I understand if you don’t want to”. I realized that he probably thinks I hate him, but I actually don’t… I know why it was partially my fault. I just avoid him because I literally don’t know how to act around him. To keep things simple I told my husband I had long forgiven him. But when he came to our house for lunch, I was so reserved I was a cringy level of awkward. I truly do not hate him and I know closeness with his brother is good for my husband. And our daughter took an instant liking to him, she practically lit up when he held her, and I have no desire to deprive her of a good uncle. I want to mend things with him but I have no idea what to do.