I’ve been reading this sub from the beginning. Ex wanted out to be with someone else. We were having problems nearly the entire time(9 years). Around year 7 (of course) she suggested swinging. I was just so tired of being denied sex that I agree. It was a disaster. Only really swapped once but it wrecked me emotionally once I realized she didn’t do it for “us”, she did it for her. I was in a fit of rage and for months. We trauma bonded and created a beautiful baby. However, the rage never left.

The uncertainty of whether it was my child and the lack of sex, led me down a dark road. I could never forget it because, well I couldn’t perform. I was in a constant state of panic/ rage for up until now. We tried couples counseling he told me to leave. I didn’t. I proposed (wow).

Over the next 2 years, I was a drunken mess. I called her every name in the book. During and outside of sex. So many emotions tied into 1. On my birthday I knew she wouldn’t do anything for me, so I literally just hopped on a plane and went to another country and had the time of my life. I came back and had to admit what I did. I know it was horrible especially since she was pregnant.

Covid hit and it only exacerbated the situation. Drinking more, being gone, you name it. I just lost it. I was in individual therapy and it just wasn’t working. He was no help. So she gets tired of my shit and leaves in December 2020. I continue on a bender until Fathers Day 2021. We reconnect spend the day as a family and I have the time of my life.

At the end of the night the guy she’s seeing begins calling nonstop and I lose it. I really hate her now. Couldn’t figure out why after seeing the name. That night was the impetus for be to quit drinking for good. It was a long road and she’s definitely done now.

Fast forward a few months and a strange car is driving aggressively where she lives when I pick my kids up. I stare like wtf but I can’t see the person. Eventually from him and her make some indirect posts about me. I laughter it off. She’s irate in her post. He posts something personal she obviously told him.

Reignites rage. I’m a year out now and I get a letter in the mail where she got a ticket in Florida right after we split. So while I was in deep despair, she is not keeping up with the kids, she’s on a vacation. Remember that name I saw. Everything is coming together. This is the guy she was seeing before me and now I believe she cheated with early on.

Now I remember all the signs like she put a password on her phone at one point, always losing jobs for tardy/absenteeism. I can feel my rage brewing again. She’s lied about a lot of things since the breakup and it’s like dammit! Worst being her house smelling like marijuana and even the kids. I talked to her about it and she said it was the neighbors, but it eventually stopped.I’ve done so much to get to a place of peace.

She lied about her mental health diagnosis and based on the symptoms, and my response the therapist thinks she has BPD. I’ve pretty much been grey rocking it. But I have this question of was it the whole time? I want to address it with her because it has fucked my life up. I’m messing up on my investments, fucking up at work, and it’s like I hate women. I date here and there, but I see red flags galore, thanks to only using OLD. From YouTube and multiple subs I read and women I’ve dated, it’s like they only want a captain save a you know what. I know I sound sad but I’m not that sad. It more like continually in a state of “has it really been this way the whole time”.

I’ve read a lot on female nature, tried hobbies, spend time with my kids (which is the only thing keeping me sane). I lost all my friends throughout the relationship and I’m just stuck.

Does anybody have a solution for this besides lifting? I just want to move on with peace. I want to ask her was it the whole time? Does anybody have a similar experience where even your wife cheated and you were able to resolve the past? Like did you ever get the truth? If this person is going to be in my kids life, I need to move on. Kudos to you guys whose wife had a new guy around your kids immediately. I don’t know how I would’ve handled it.