(woman) What can I do to support one of my male supervisors with his mental health?

arrouk · 2022-07-29T10:36:37+00:00

Drop him a text. Just along the lines of you see he's off work again and you hope he's OK, tell him you are here to help if you can and hope to see him soon.

It's personal enough to show you care without prying into his issues or life and leaves the door open for you to suport more if he wants and invites him to ask you for a visit.

The big thing here is not to force yourself on him but keep the door open for him to reach out. Try and keep conversation going but not forced, if he let's it fall off let him chill and get on with something else before you text back.

That's how my friends helped me when I was having issues.

Efficient_Creme_3067 · 2022-07-29T11:58:30+00:00

Before i start, i am a combat veteran from the US military, and have dealt with many other veterans with these same types of issues, so my perspective may be a slight bit skewed from the normal thinking. But here’s what i have found to do to get people talking about their issues.

Take him out for a beer. I don’t mean food at a restaurant, or a fancy bar. Tell him you wanna talk to him about something YOU are going through and that you trust his opinion. Obviously, since he has a spouse, clear this through them first. Let HIM pick the place (as this will put him in his own comfort zone) and make sure he knows it will be a short visit, just to drink a beer or two. Some men see eating food at a restaurant as a chore, and will simply “trudge through” this experience. Plus, eating food will give him something else to focus on, instead of talking. “Getting a beer” is a short outing, that will again, allow him to feel less trapped.

Once there, tell him work is stressing you out, and tell him some of your grievances. Then ask him, “do you have any issues with work?” And simply wait. Men hesitate to talk about what bothers us. The long silence that will follow will be uncomfortable, but he will be processing what was just asked, and what he is ok with “complaining” about. I’m not kidding, even if he says “nah, not really”, just sit there quietly. If you look over at him and see him staring blankly at his beer or off into the distance, your question is working. Let him work through his own thoughts.

The trick i have found with other men and their struggles, is they have to give themselves permission to “complain”. It will come, and once they “break the seal” they will unload. The beer, is a security blanket for them, and they will hold on to it tightly.

You’re doing the right thing to care about his well being. Even if his spouse is very supportive, they won’t understand the struggles of what’s actually happening at work. A coworker will understand his issues first hand, and he will be more likely to open up to you.

Mrky859 · 2022-07-29T19:15:09+00:00

As a two-time suicide Survivor always reassure that if you need to talk you're there but dont push it . my friends would send me cat videos it helped alot can't explain why but it kind of like relieve some of the depression some of the sadness distracted my mind. Cuz I know what my depression kick in it kicks in full force

OldEgalitarianMRA · 2022-07-29T11:05:58+00:00

Mental illness is a very sensitive area. Don't let him know there is talk of him having depression. Just be there for him and listen if he needs to talk. Men will talk if they find an empathetic ear to listen.

BlockBadger · 2022-07-29T11:27:19+00:00

Yeah it’s a tough one, but you sound like you’re doing an amazing job without knowing.

Without knowing the dude it’s really hard for me to give advice, but checking on him regardless of why he is off is probably the best course of action other than keep being amazing.

iainmf · 2022-07-29T11:49:00+00:00

I talked to a guy who researched male helping seeking. Typically men don't seek help unless the see asking for help as the only option. That is, it has to be pretty bad. What helps is if a mentor or someone they respect talks about how they got help for their issues.

Also, men don't typically ask for help. The will simply reveal things are tough.

My personal suggestion is to ask him for some advice on how to deal with some personal thing in your life you find difficult (but not a huge deal). Not to burden him with your problem, but asking for advice is a really good way to demonstrate you respect someone. It also shows you trust him, which will help him trust you.

91Uhtred · 2022-07-29T13:59:29+00:00

From experience, just listen to him, ask him to open up and listen. If you find yourself in a place of giving an advice, please do. That’s all. Best of luck.

IceCorrect · 2022-07-29T12:39:15+00:00

Tell him, that if he want to talk you are here for you, nothing more. Based on his age (40+ its most common, but even for 30 year old this can happen) maybe suggest him to go to doc and test his testosterone level, which low level give this symptoms for men, esp. if he doenst have any real problems in life, besides stress at home/work and this can be easy checked in blood on cortyzol level.

Best part in blood results is that you cant lie, like he could while talking to you or therapist. And its nothing to be ashamed too for men and its stress free

elebrin · 2022-07-29T13:31:42+00:00

Ask him to do something for you that is very easy, that you can't do for yourself, and that you know he enjoys doing. Hell, every corporate entity has some stupid bullshit career goals tracker thing that they want you to fill out and use, you can have him help you develop a goal or two (and make it easy for him).

He gets a win that way because he feels like he's done something. If he fails to do it, then no big deal - don't press on it or dwell on it.

touchy_therapist · 2022-07-29T12:54:45+00:00

Blow (and I can't stress this enough) job /s ...unless,???

Nah just tell him he's doing a good job and your proud of him that's all we really want

Shill0w · 2022-07-29T11:30:38+00:00

Not sure what the right answer is.

There's a few reasons why we avoid talking to other people about our 'problems'.

One of them is that we realize that our issues are our own to fix and we don't want to burden other people with them. Everyone is facing their own challenges and they don't need to worry about ours too, that and we learn ealry in life that most folk don't care about our struggles. Bill Burr had a great bit about this saying: "Ladies, I'm not saying your problems get solved, but at least people listen", they don't really listen to us.

Another one is that we don't want to be percieved as weak. Sure we all hear talk of men needing to open up and not close themselves off but we know better, we see how other men who do open up get treated. All of a sudden people start getting colder and more distant. When they say they want us to show emotion they just want assurance that we're not robots, that there's still something human hidden deep down in there.

What a lot of people don't realize is that a significant number of men are not ok, they're merely putting on an act because they feel like they have no other option. They have a lot of problems/insecurities they are dealing with and when they open up it can be overwhelming and most are not ready for it.

We as a society still want men to be rocks that you can lean on when the storm hits but when they see just how broken an lot of them are they recoil and can't look at them the same way. So they distance themselves from them.

As for wether you should approach to offer support, that's where it gets tricky.

This part might be a little controversial but for a lot of us our partner is the only person we can confide in. That is if we even feel safe enough to do so without being looked down upon and shattering their image of us. For those of us that don't even have a partner well... we just bottle it in.

Does this colleague of yours have a partner or not?

If he does, maybe he isn't discussing these things with her for the reasons stated above. Would he be more open talking about it with a friend/colleague? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he doesn't want to be seen as lesser in the eyes of his loved one but at the same time he doesn't want to risk his professional reputation either. Once the cat's outta the bag about struggling with mental health, people start to gossip and the labels stick.

If he doesn't have anyone, your good intentions might backfire on you. You might just want to help out a friend in need but, since for a lot of us, talking about this stuff is reserved only for our partners, he might get the wrong impression, that maybe you're interested in more than just being a friend.

I don't know enough about the dynamic between the two of you to say what the right thing to do is.

eldred2 · 2022-07-29T22:40:34+00:00

My take is, that if he wants you to know, he will tell you himself. Since he did not, I would just continue being generally friendly/supportive. For a lot of men, personal health is, well, personal.

That can change, if his time off starts to become a problem. In that case, discreetly mentioning that to him and asking him if everything is okay would probably be a good place to start.

HikuroMishiro · 2022-07-29T22:51:09+00:00

I wouldn't try getting him to open up or address his depression directly, I'd just continue to be a good friend/coworker. You can sprinkle in an additional 'if you want to talk about anything I'm available', but generally speaking people have such serious conversations with very few people and he already has a partner he's likely shared with, more generic support is probably more helpful than a more targeted approach. Just my two cents.

No-Knowledge-8867 · 2022-07-31T07:28:55+00:00

There's a lot of good comments here. I'm not too sure if it's too late to throw in my two cents but I'll do it anyway. Point 1: Don't push, just create space and trust. Tell him that your always there for him/a door is always open etc. at most don't push for him to share. If you want to create trust share your own experiences don't ask for his. He'll share when he feels comfortable and safe. Point 2: follows from Point 1. Create that safe space. Sharing over a beer is a good option it creates a distractive focus point. A pub might work but if it's something heavy a public space might not be the best environment for a man to open up. Maybe a beer somewhere quiet and private. Watch a sports game if he's into that. It creates a distraction to be able to shift to if everything becomes too real. For a man opening up emotionally comes with risk. Any guy could tell you about a relationship in which he opened up and that lead to someone else seeing them differently. Maybe that was a partner who told them to open up and then realised they couldn't accept seeing weakness in their partner and their relationship broke down after, maybe it was a female friend who then started treating you differently after. It happens a lot. Men learn what women say they want and what's good for the relationship are so often different. It's a harsh truth but it's so often there. Point 3: It's going to take time. Don't rush anything and understand men are much more comfortable with silence than women are. Some people have said that this should be shared between your friend and his partner. Your friend might not be comfortable sharing this with his partner if something like above has happened previously. Men should always have another outlet. Most men will be more comfortable if that outlet is another guy but so many men don't have that. If someone else can provide that outlet it will be a godsend but that is going to take time, a lot of time. Check in every so often. Try to organise a few comfortable environments. I will also say be careful negotiating this with his partner. As you are another female this could be tricky if you two don't already know each other fairly well. You don't want to be the one to reveal to her something he hasn't told her and you don't want to make her jealous. If you're in that situation you might need to find a mutual male party to help. I hope this helps. And good luck. Women like you are rare and any man would be lucky to have you involved in their life either as a trusted friend or partner. So thank you from myself and men generally. It gives us hope.

Appropriate-Ad9734 · 2022-08-06T20:36:47+00:00

I don’t know if you should honestly, he may get the wrong idea and then when he finds out you were just being nice he’s going to sink into sadness more than he already is and I mean like Unbearable sadness

Title	(woman) What can I do to support one of my male supervisors with his mental health?
Author	megamuffin21
Upvotes	52
Comments	26
Date	July 29, 2022 8:47 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/wazlc0/woman_what_can_i_do_to_support_one_of_my_male/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/woman-what-can-i-do-to-support-one-of-my-male.1126061 https://theredarchive.com/post/1126061

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