I often see a number of south Asian women in this sub so I’m interested to see how many folks watch the Netflix show ‘Indian matchmaking’. The show gets a lot of flack from feminists due to the more traditional approach to dating from the show’s match maker in contrast with the modern women and men she’s trying to set up.

My husband and I just watched the most recent season of this show and lamented how frustrating nearly all of the people are who are featured. All of them have failed on their own in the dating world despite being relatively attractive and successful, so they turn to a match maker from India to help find them someone who would make them a suitable spouse. Many on social media mock the match maker for giving reasonable but old fashioned advice to these folks, often bemoaning that she is encouraging folks to ‘lower their standards.’

Her first meeting with each of these potential matches which starts with asking them what they’re looking for. These potential matches all go down the same path, they’re often in their 30s, spent most of their 20s focusing on their career instead of dating, and now feel their biological clocks ticking. When asked what they want in a match they rattle off insanely long lists of expectations about their height, career, interests, etc, often down to ridiculous demands (I.e. a woman who’s 32 and it’s VERY important to her that her match is not only Indian but from the same area of India as her family, a single child, self made, speaks the same language, 6 feet tall, loves to travel, is willing to move to her hometown, has long hair and tattoos). The matchmaker tells her what she tells nearly everyone ‘you can’t get 100 percent of what’s on your list, the best I can do is 60 to 70 percent. Be sure to focus on what’s most important, that the person is kind and shares the same values as you.’ Everyone has the same response to this, shock and annoyance that they should have to remove anything from their list.

In the end, none of these people wind up finding matches. They go on countless dates with great people who even match most of what’s on their list, but nearly all of them don’t move forward for nitpicky details. Often even on these first dates they act full of themselves (reiterating how much money they make, their cars, apartments, exotic travel, how often they work out) or go on to disparage their dates (telling someone they look less attractive in person than their profiles, that the other person lives in the middle of nowhere and they cannot imagine anything fun to do there, the fact that they prefer sports over going to fancy restaurants). They then blame the matchmaker for not finding someone who matched their criteria 100 percent.

So what are the takeaways? My husband and I discussed what we thought we’d advice these folks if it were up to us:

-You can’t go into dating with a checklist. While it’s important to have the same goals, values, and attraction, it’s super important to also have flexibility in who you picture as your partner. Instead have a tiered list of no more than 5 things that are most important to you. For example, you’re in your 30s, want kids, and plan to expand your business. Does it matter more to you if you meet a man who wants 2 kids in the next 5 years and has a flexible job than the fact that he’s not 6 feet tall?

-Focus on your openness and femininity. When you go on a date, listen without interrupting, ask thoughtful questions to get to know someone not to see if they pass by giving you the ‘right answer’, and most importantly, follow his lead! He suggests rock climbing for a date? Don’t make a face and say ‘I’d rather go to dinner’, be grateful and note that you’re excited to try something new!

-Date one person at a time, dating too many people all at once will lead you to a cycle of constant comparison instead of judging true compatibility and attraction.

Curious to see if anyone else has watched and what lessons or reflections you have from this show or others from a RP perspective.