This dating atmosphere has made me suicidal. I have rarely dealt with women that we're my own age typically above, before you attempt to lecture me. To preface, none of this was fed to me by some red pill sphere or whatever, I am black pilled because I am terrified of getting my heart broken and I have never had people I could rely on. In pursuit of being good at sex I studied paychology and experimented with it to get better at dating so I could get better at sex. The only advice that had spurred me down this depressing path is "Never stop courting or romancing your woman" my distrust and ego has made it hard for me to take advice, I just do my best to research and form my own opinions and stratgies. Im an arogant guy who tries to actually back up my lies with actual unique input as I don't want to be one of those friends or lovers who can't give advice or comfort to actually help someone out and never wanted to be some chump that gets heart broken.

At the core of it I gave up on love but I was far too lonely growing up to fully give up on it. All my life I only ever heard chicks talk about and actually be decent to dudes they were attracted to. I know its not all women but its hard to not remember that when after hitting the gym I get even better results. I'm a terrible person who has built up karma Ive been trying to run from. I ruined a marriage, been the other guy repeatedly with multiple women, I keep female friends on a string. I'm the guy women end up cheating with and for it I am even more terrified of not being good enough for whomever I end up with if anyone. I hope no one as I cant see myself handling actually being vulnerable again after my first long term relationship ended after 5 years this febuary.

Despite all of my efforts having someone actually confess to me turned me into your stereotypical nice guy trying my ass off, didnt work. Its more scary to already feel numb to it in my first LTR. I have alot of stress at home taking care of 2 elderly parents with hordes of diagnosed mental issues ontop of my own, juggling 2 sometimes 3 jobs due to inflation and trying not to develop an eating disorder. My self esteem is non existent. Anything negative someone says I accept as fact and try to improve on. How someone like me got girls? Lots of fake charm/humour/stories and learning how to lie well. Its exhausting its exhausting to turn it off then I'm immediately getting close to another chick get terrified of getting close to her then politely shut it down. Hell I've moved twice to stop myself from being tempted to get close to anyone.

Anyway its too damn late for me and when I get angry I see myself coming here i suspect that getting angry for redpillers is them trying to cling to hope like a teenager yelling for someone to show them they're wrong.